Wow...it has been a long time since I posted on this blog.  I can honestly say that life moves forward with our new normal.  Sometimes, when I think about it, it is absolutely crazy that my "life before Joshua" (as I like to call it) was just  2 1/2 years ago.  In many ways, it seems like it was forever ago...it has been forever since I held him and it seems like so much has happened.  But 2 1/2 years doesn't sound like a very long time when you say it! The way we experience time is a strange thing and something I continue to be baffled by. But, here we are!  2 1/2 years has come and gone!



Anyway, this past week, I had the marvelous opportunity to view a production of the show, "Savior of the World" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  What a glorious depiction of the events proceeding Christs birth and those that followed the Resurrection!  I got to see this show the Christmas after Joshua passed away and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see it again so close to another milestone.  You see, the truths described in the show are, in fact, the truths that give me hope: that our Savior was born, that He died, and that He rose again from the grave!  That through Him, we can be together as a family forever!  That because of Him, I will hold my baby again!  Honestly, there is no better way to spend two hours of your time*!

This time seemed extra special to me because I met a new angel mom friend.  My parents and a couple of my siblings were in the show, so I had the opportunity to meet more of the cast members.  Turns out that the wonderful woman playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a new angel mom.  She lost her sweet baby after he was born extremely early, right before the auditions for the show were to take place. When we met for the first time, all we did was give each other a hug and a bond was born.  No words needed to be said....we were special to each other because we knew the pain.  So, to hear her speak the truths in the show and to watch her hold that baby Jesus, it just made them all the more real and brought back very special feelings of my own.

A few parts in the show that were especially touchings:

1)  The main song in the whole show has different verses for different scenes.  During the scene of the tomb right after Christ is buried, the chorus sings these words:




2)  After Christ is resurrected, He visits with some of the disciples on the road to Emmaus.  After their experience, they are talking with each other about the joy they feel to have their Lord back with them again.  One of them asks something along the lines of, "How could we have been so sad?"  My thoughts with that line were that I can not wait to put the sadness behind me.  There will be a time when I ask myself how I could have been so sad because the joy will be so great! It will be a glorious time.

3) Along those same lines, the women that loved Jesus are talking together after their own visit with the Savior.  One says, "Our grief is gone!"  Another responds with, "No, changed.  Our grief has transformed into joy." You guys...when the Savior comes, our grief will transform into Joy!  I know it will!  What a blessed day it will be!

4) Finally, another theme that is presented throughout the show is the idea that the Lord has a plan for all of us.  Every time something seems to be going wrong (like, having to move to Bethlehem, not being able to find a proper place to stay, or even having to tell her beloved Joseph that she is expecting), Mary says one phrase over and over again.  It is "All flesh is in His hands." I loved this thought!  The thought that our Heavenly Father is holding onto us, that He is helping us have the experiences we are suppose to have.  Never would I have hoped or wished for Joshua to have passed away, but never would I give up the experience now that it has happened.  Joshua brings me closer to God every day and the more I look to God and Christ, the more I realize that we are learning what we need to learn in order to become who we are meant to become.  "All flesh is in His hands."


Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful messages in this show!  But, needless to say, there is so much power that comes when truth is testified.

How grateful I am for this glorious gospel!  What peace it brings to my soul to contemplate the great Plan of Salvation!  No words can express how I feel about my Savior and what He has done for me and my entire family.  I am working each day to live my life in accordance with His commandments because I love Him and want to live with Him someday.  It is because of Him, I will have all my children around me someday.

Today, I will be taking some time to read some scriptures regarding the promises of the resurrection.  I hope each of you will take a few minutes to read and ponder some of you favorite scriptures about the Savior in honor of my little Joshua.  May you find peace and hope in those words like I do.



*For more information about the production of "Savior of the World", visit here.
**For more information about our Savior, Jesus Christ, visit here.

I have, for obvious reasons, thought a lot about these very topics over the past year. (in fact...it was one year ago last week that we had our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and found out about his heart conditions)  I really do feel like there have been a lot of blessings that have come into our life because of our experience with Joshua, especially our relationship with God.  We had to make a choice early on last year;  the choice was between drawing on our faith in God and trusting Him or turning our back on God and just being angry at Him.  I tried the angry thing for about 1 hour and knew I couldn't handle that.  So, trusting in Him was the only option and I have never looked back.

Now, 1 year after our journey with Joshua began, almost 8 months since he was born, and 5 1/2 months since he past away, I can look back and see the blessings and tender mercies more clearly. God has been with our family every step of this journey and I have no doubt that He will continue to be with our family forever.  We are stronger people because of our little Joshua.

Another dear friend of mine and fellow angel mom posted this music video on her facebook page yesterday.  This beautiful song was exactly what I have been thinking about for a long time.  I love how Hillary Weeks does not down play the difficulty of our situations.  What we have to go through is hard and it is ok to want it to be gone.  But, how wonderful it is to see where we end up when we can finally have the eyes to recognize our change.  Our trials truly do become a "Beautiful Heartbreak".

One question has started to come up more and more in my life now that I am getting out and meeting people that do not know about little Joshua.  The dreaded question: "How many children do you have?" Every "angel parent" must decide how to answer this question and there is not always an easy answer. In fact, I have discussed this at length with many of the angel moms and really, it is difficult for all of us to figure out.

If I say I have two children, it always leads to telling them about Joshua.  Now, I am no where NEAR ashamed to tell people about Joshua...in fact, I enjoy talking about him.  The problem with telling someone who doesn't know is the inevitable reaction.  The "Oh, my gosh, I am SO SORRY." Now, of course this would be the response because we are human and it really is the proper thing to say.  However, sometimes, I just don't have the energy to handle it again. I find that I am the one consoling the other person.  I find myself listening to stories about other families' losses or some other horrible things that happened to someone else because they are trying to show that they empathize with my feelings.  Sometimes, it is just a little more draining than I have energy for at the time.

However, if I say I have one, then there is always a little stab in my heart since I know there is another one.  It just brings all the feelings back to the surface of knowing that there will always be someone in our family missing.  It seems so strange to tell people that I only have one when I have two.  I have two children and nothing, not even death, can change that!  So, saying something different is completely unnatural. In reality, I feel like I am lying.

So, I go through this debate in my head over a matter of 2-3 seconds after someone asks the question. I must decide if I can handle the response I will get from someone if I tell them or if I can handle the ache in my heart if I don't.  Honestly, the answer is different every time.  Sometimes, I am talking with the checkout person at the grocery store and they ask it just to have a friendly conversation.  Then, I just don't have the heart to tell them of our tragedy and I don't mention it.  Other times, I am meeting a new friend that I will most likely see and be with again.  Then, I have to answer with the full story.  They will find out eventually and I don't want to put myself through explaining it later.

So, truthfully, I am still trying to figure out how I am going to answer that question.  It is different for every angel family and I would imagine it is going to take a good amount of time to find my perfect answer.  In the mean time, I will just keep working on it. 

Today, I heard of the passing of another little baby.  It was not a heart baby and was actually a good friend of a family member.  I have met the family a few times in my life, but it has been years and I really don't know them very well.  However, talking to my family member today about it, I couldn't help but feel the ache in my heart for this sweet mother and her family. 

Tomorrow, I am going to be watching the kids for my family members so they can attend the funeral.  There really is nothing anyone can say or do, but I remember how wonderful it was to be surrounded by the people I loved during Joshua's funeral.  I hope this mom can find strength by having her good friends there and I feel so blessed to be able to help that happen, even in such a simple way. 

I can't believe how much it hurts me to hear of another family having to go through the heartache of loosing a child.  A lot of the ache I felt going through it returns to the surface along with the ache that anyone else has to feel that pain.  It would not be something I would wish on anyone.  

I hope everyone will say a little extra prayer for this sweet family.  They are burying the baby they never got to meet and that they were so excited to welcome into their home.  Pray that they will feel her sweet presence every day. 

On Saturday, April 13, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Heart to Heart Luncheon put on by the Intermountain Healing Hearts group. Oh, what a blessing this event was to me!
I had debated for the two weeks prior if I really wanted to go.  I was really unsure if I would feel included...not because of the women (I knew they would welcome me with open arms), but because of my situation.  This was a group of women that were mostly still fighting their fight with congenital heart defects.  Most of them still had their little children and I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable.  I didn't want to be the mom there that represented everyone else's worst nightmare.  My baby was gone...and every other mom in that room had thought about that happening. I would be the reminder. However, I talked to a few other angel moms that had gone to the event in the past and they encouraged me to go, if I felt up to it.  They gave me a little bit of an idea of what to expect.  So, earlier in the week, I was ok with going.

Then, on Thursday, I made the realization that it would be the two month anniversary of Joshua's angel day and I started to panic again.  I was a little bit of a mess on the one month anniversary and I wasn't sure I wanted to have any breakdowns in public.  However, on Friday, I decided if I was going to have a breakdown in front of any group of people, this one would be the one to do it.

So, I woke up on Saturday with all the feelings of the anniversary as well as being completely nervous.  I changed my outfit twice (I wanted to be comfortable).  I was so grateful to be driving up with a dear friend and fellow heart mom.  At least I would have one person there with me.

Once I got there, I realized very quickly that I had nothing to be nervous about.  There were the other angel moms I had met and they all came up to me and gave me a hug.  Some even remembered the anniversary, which was more than I could ever ask for!  I also met a number of other wonderful heart moms that told me how they have read Joshua's story and they were so excited to meet me, which was so strange because I felt the same way about them!  The connection I felt with each of these women was so amazing.  It felt good to talk the medical talk again (feeding tubes, ICU, surgery, O2 sats, etc.).  It was so much a part of my life with Joshua and something I just don't do anymore.  I felt connected to Joshua and my love for this group grew by the minute.

The afternoon just got better with the speakers.  One of the angel moms spoke about the journey we all face and no matter where we are in our journey, we can draw support from each other.  She is one that I look up to so much and her words were perfect.  The next speaker was Tiffany Peterson, who is a professional inspirational speaker.  Two things stood out to me from her presentation:  (1) have your spiritual first aid kit ready to go. (scripture reading, prayers, etc.  Anything that helps you spiritually) Have these things ready for the moments you will need them most.  (2) When you are ready, take the time to think about your trial in life as a gift. Our adversity is a gift wrapped in unattractive paper. We can take the time to be sad, frustrated, mad, and disappointed, but when we are ready, we should take the chance to see the benefits of our situation. Along these same lines, she quoted her mother, "If you're going through hell, don't build a house there!"
There was a point where we all stood in a circle and linked arms. It was then, with that physical representation, that we all felt the strength that comes with many. This is a journey as a heart mom is rough, but I feel so blessed to be in the company of such amazing women. I felt the truth that our strength as a whole was greater than the sum if our individual parts. We are stronger when we depend on each other.

I'm so glad I went. It was the perfect place to be on that anniversary. Thank you to all the amazing women for the hard word and dedication taken to put this on. I feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

Everyone who has gone through a difficult time has experienced that awkward moment when someone says the wrong thing.  In fact, now that I have been through something hard (and still am), I wonder to myself how many times I have been that person saying the wrong thing.

I have tried to figure out something that I could post about to help others know what to say.  Honestly, it is very difficult to have generic rules that work in every situation. Some people want to talk...others don't.  What would be the right thing to say to one person could very well be the wrong thing for another person.

However, one of my friends and fellow angel mom shared this article from the LA Times and I thought this was a perfect place to start.  It is a great mindset to have when someone you know is going through a difficult time. I hope you enjoy this article and that it helps you as much as it helped me.

Before I get to the birthday, I wanted to review our Easter day yesterday.  Honestly, it was way more emotional then I thought.  I was excited to have a day dedicated to the glorious message of the resurrection and the joy that comes with that.  We went to church and I realized quickly that it was going to be emotionally draining.  While it was wonderful to think about the resurrection, I was definitely not ready for the shear amount the topic was discussed.  Of course, that is what we do on Easter, but talking and thinking about it for a full 24 hours really just made it more obvious that he is not with me, and it was hard.  Needless to say, I was emotionally drained by the end of the day.



I was, however, really glad I was able to spend the evening with our wonderful family.  I wanted to be around other people I love.  So, late afternoon, most of us met at the cemetery.  I thought about doing something like a spiritual thought, but in the end, we just hung out there for about an hours and chatted.  It was really nice to be together and feel Joshua's spirit. After that, we went back to our house for dinner and more being together.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful and amazing family. 


Now, for Joshua's 4 month birthday, I decided to write him another letter.  Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Dear Joshua-
I can't believe you would have been 4 months old today.  I found myself thinking about the day you were born.  It is hard to believe it was only 4 months ago...it sometimes seems like an eternity. 
Joshua, your dad and I were talking yesterday about how much we miss you.  Yesterday was Easter and we found ourselves missing you a lot.  With all the festive events of the weekend, I also found myself thinking how sad it was that you weren't here to do some of those things with us.  Then, I realized something...you were so sick that we probably wouldn't be doing anything like what we did this weekend.  We just couldn't do those things with you because you were so fragile. 

So, your dad and I made a commitment...to use the time we have now to keep our family close and be productive.  We have a new appreciation for the things we are able to do, we want to keep doing them!  We know that you will be there with us in our hearts and we hope our family and our relationships will continue to grow. 

Your life continues to change ours, little man.  I know you are doing great things on the other side...mostly because I see what you have done on this side.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Your Mother

When we found out about Joshua's heart condition at my 20 week ultrasound, I never imagined the world we would be thrown into.  I seriously can't believe I am part of the world of some of the strongest, most amazing families.  There is so much power and strength to be found...and it is a world that most people never know exist.

 I am sure there will be more posts on this topic in the future, since this is the world I now live in, but I had an experience today that struck me.

One thing we do in our little world is we share blogs...it is a way that many of us feel like we can keep our angels alive and help people feel their special spirits.  When we link our friend's blogs on our sidebar, we usually title it with the little child's name...and you know the precious one has passed away when you add the title "Angel" in front of the name.

I have seen this done for countless other families and remember feeling something different whenever I saw that extra title.  Today, however, I saw the words "Angel Joshua" on a friend's blog and it hit me again...I am the mother of an angel.  I am part of a tight-knit world of women who have buried their children.  I am the mother of "Angel Joshua."
 I guess I am still trying to find myself within this new identity... because I am definitely not the same person I was before my little Joshua came into this world.  My hope is that I can take this new identity and make positive changes in my world.  I hope I can live in the moment and focus on the things that matter most.  I hope I can live up to the title "Angel Mom" and I hope Joshua can be proud of the family that is associated with his new title, "Angel Joshua."