My little Logan boy and I just spent a wonderful week in Idaho with some of my family. This was the first time I have been able to get away on a trip since Joshua's passing and I think it was really good for me. 

At first, I was a little nervous, believe it or not.  As I was driving there, I realized the last time I was in Idaho was with baby Joshua.  We were able to spend a wonderful Christmas with my family and all the memories of that trip came rushing back.  However, I was surprised when I walked into the house, I had a calm, peaceful feeling.  I love being at home.

We did a lot of really fun things! Including:

Since my little Joshua passed away, I have been drawn to different people who live there life in the moment.  Sometimes, this can be an overwhelming concept, especially when you feel the need to get everything done. 

As I was looking at my pinterest, I was drawn to a post that lead me to a wonderful blog called "Hands Free Mama," by Rachel Stafford.  As I started looking through it, I realized the whole blog was about a mother's journey to enjoying the little things of her children, but doing it not even day by day, but moment by moment.  The part of her philosphy that really stood out to me was when she mentioned that sometimes, there are other things that need to be done right now.  Those are times when you tell your child "just a minute" and keep working.  However, there are other times when the laundry can get folded later or the bathroom can stay dirty for another hour.  During those times, we can decide to play cars or dolls first, before the chores. 

I realized that living a "hands free life" was really not that difficult.  It was simply recognizing there is a choice and making a conscience decision.  I was excited to ponder this new way of thinking and it has really made an impact in my life over the last month.  I not only find myself spending more QUALITY time with my son, but when I have to get things done, he is not so desperate for my attention.  It has been a win-win! 

Some of the things I have been able to enjoy with Logan since I started doing this have been:





Our life with our children and family is precious and very short. You really don't know how much time you have with them.  I hope we can each take a few minutes and read more about Rachel's philosophy and maybe try to choose one moment a day to be "hands free." As my mom put so perfectly just now, "this is the life that keeps you from ever feeling guilty."

Be sure to visit Hands Free Mama!  I hope you enjoy visiting as much as I have!

Today, Logan really wanted to watch the "Josh movie."  It is the slideshow that the mortuary put together for us for the viewing and Logan LOVES watching it.  I usually do pretty well when we watch it, but today, it was not so easy.  Today, I felt the ache in my heart again and my arms felt very empty.

Grief is a really funny things sometimes.  Just when you think you are "getting over it,"  it hits you again when you least expect it.  This is why I think people say one never really gets over loosing a child.  I think the time between each "episode" gets longer and longer, they ever completely go away. 

I have been thinking about why God created this thing called Grief.  If we really are going to see our loved ones again and they really are in a better place, why do we have to go through this thing called grief? After much pondering, I have come to the conclusion that grief is a manifestation of the love we have for the person who is gone.  We grieve because we miss them.  We grieve because we want them close.  We grieve because they are not in our presence anymore.  We greive because we loved them. 

Once I thought about that, I find the process of grieving a little more tolerable.  I loved Joshua so much and my life is better because he was here.  I have these sad days because I loved him so much.  It makes me feel a little better about this hard thing called "grief". 

The next big milestone has been reached...we are out of the ICU!! What a relief! I really was getting frustrated with all the false alarms we were having...but it all worked out right.

I almost thought today would be another false alarm. Right after the doctors told us we would go to the floor, Joshua decided to have another small irregular heart rhythm. I was sure we would be staying another night. However, they checked the EKGs and double checked his electrolytes (after some serious digging with a needle...I swear this kid is not going to have any veins left after this...) and everything looked good. Thy are going to evaluate his medications for his heart rhythms one more time, just to make sure he is getting the proper dose.

We are very excited to be on the floor, but I did get one bit of bad news. The unit just started their "flu season" policy of no visitors under that age of 2...which means no Logan hangin' out with us in the room. This was a blow to me, since I was excited to have Logan more involved and I wouldn't feel so divided between my boys. I'm still hoping I can figure out a way, but we will do what we have to do. In the mean time, we are very grateful for the progress Joshua has made and for reaching this big milestone!!

Well, one more night in the ICU...I hope. They still wanted to watch him one more night because of his glucose levels and to make sure the new medication for his arrhythmia is working. It is hard to see him doing so well and us not moving forward, but if there is anything I have learned through all of this is that it just takes time...

We had a really nice chat with Logan over webcam today. He is still in Boise with my parents and he is having a great time. I realized how much he has grown up over the past month...and how much I have misses of this stage. I feel so incredibly blessed to have a son that does so well with all this craziness, but It is hard to see how much he has grown up with out me around. I made a vow today that I will never take one moment with any of my kids for granted. Each moment is so precious.

So, many people have been asking about our little Logan boy, so I thought I would give a quick update on how he is doing.  Fortunately, the Lord blessed me with an AMAZING toddler who is well adjusted and very adaptable to different situations.  I can tell that the Lord has prepared him to be the big brother of Joshua.

Logan visiting Joshua for the first time.  He was very concerned and kept pointing to him saying "Josh."

Since we have been at the hospital, he has been staying with Tim's sister and their family.  Tim's mom has been in town and has taken over watching him during the day.  Each day, she brings him to the hospital and he gets to see "Josh" (as Logan calls him).  We spend a few minutes in the room with Joshua and then we go up to the third floor where they have an awesome playroom!  Logan has found some awesome toys there and really loves it.  After some time in the playroom, we eat lunch in the cafeteria.  He knows exactly how to get a tray and walks straight to where they keep the milk.  Once lunch is over, Tim's mom takes him back to the house to have a nap.

Tim's sister has 3 boys, two of which are close to Logan's age.  One day, they went to the dinosaur museum and got to play in the mud!  They enjoy playing together.

The playroom has tons of things to do!  Putting stuff in the basket and pushing it around is definitely a favorite.  This was taken the day of Joshua's surgery.

One of the hardest things for me and Tim through all of this is balancing our time between our two boys.  I think it is an adjustment any parent would have to go through with each new kid, but it is much harder when one is in the hospital.  We tend to question ourselves whether we are doing the right thing or handling it correctly.  All we can do, however, is the best we can and pray the Lord guides us to know what is best for each member of our family. 

Well, I thought I would give a quick update on how little Joshua is doing.  He continues to improve with his eating skills.  Right now, our goal is to have him eating 68cc (a little over 2 oz) of milk at each feeding (every 3-4 hours).  Currently, he is averaging about 35 cc by mouth, and then the rest has to take through his feeding tube.  The reason he is struggling so much is because he actually gets too tired to keep sucking.  The doctors say this is extremely normal for "heart babies." All we can do right now is continue to have him practice.

Today we also had a visit from the early intervention program, Kids Who Count.  This program is designed to help with early childhood education and make sure kids are reaching their milestones and that they will be ready to go to preschool by age three. The doctors at Primary Children's highly recommended us getting into this program to be sure Joshua is reaching his milestone, especially with his feedings.  We will be getting consistent visits from a Occupational Therapist, who will work with Joshua on his feedings and also work with his other skills, and a nurse, who will watch from the medical side. 

Finally, I thought it was time to have a few pictures on this blog!  Here is our journey over the last two weeks in pictures!!

Getting ready to deliver!  Instead of the planned induction on the 4th, I went into labor on Saturday the 1st!  After waking up with contractions that morning, little Joshua was born at 10:02pm.

We were not expecting to be able to hold him right away, but just an hour after he was born, the nurse in the NICU bent a few rules and let us hold him before he got moved over to Primary's.  It was a precious moment :)

All his little tubes, IV's, and EKG leads.

Dad holding him for the first time!

Even though Primary Children's is just next door and connected to University Hospital with a walkway, the Life Flight team was still called in to transport our little man over.  He had quite the ride over, don't you think?

This is one of my favorite pictures.  This was taken the first time I got to visit him in the Cardiac ICU over at Primary Children's.

Once we found out about our difficult decision of whether or not to proceed with surgery or not, we have been calling on our Heavenly Father a lot.  We decided to go to the temple on night and had our parents come with us.  It was a wonderful experience and seeing the lights on Temple Square was a nice little perk :)

We decided to bless little Joshua in the hospital since both sets of our parents were in town and we were not planning on taking him to church any time soon.  I didn't know the spirit could be so strong in such a small hospital room.  Tim did a wonderful job and gave a beautiful blessing.

The crowd who came to the blessing.

Heading home!  On Sunday, December 8, after a week and one day in the hospital, we got to go home!

It did not take long to settle into home life.  Logan has been an awesome older brother and LOVES holding his little brother!

He is also a big help when it comes to giving Joshua his bottle and helping clean out the feeding tube pump.  We LOVE being home!