As I posted yesterday, it is amazing how quickly memories can fade, even when we are trying so hard to keep them fresh.  I was a little down yesterday as I tried to close my eyes and remember certain details of Joshua's life and they just don't have the clarity that they have had before.

So, last night, a member of the Intermountain Healing Hearts stopped by to give me a gift.  I had no idea what she was bringing, but I was surprised that I didn't remember they were doing this for us!  At Joshua's funeral, there was someone there that had us pick out a few flowers, which they said they would dry for us and display them.  Well, I finally got to see the finished product last night and I couldn't be more thrilled with it!
As I sat there staring at this beautiful creation, I couldn't help but think about Joshua's funeral.  Then, I realized something...Joshua's life sketch!  A 10-minute talk by my father at the funeral was a perfect review of Joshua's short life and I got really excited to read it.  As I did, memories that I had completely forgotten about came rushing back. Little moments that I hold so dear.  I also read through my talk and got some of the same thing.

So, I wanted to share these words with you (with my dad's permission).  I love this simple take on his life and I love that I can read them whenever I need the reminder.


Brothers and Sisters, it is indeed heartwarming to see so many of you here. We are grateful for your sacrifice, and for your love.

It is my privilege to share a sketch of the life of Joshua Kent Ipson. I have chosen to tell this from Joshua’s perspective, with the hope that this approach will allow us to see the purposes of the Lord more clearly.

My name is Joshua Kent Ipson, and I came into this earthly existence on December 1, 2012. But my life and mission did not begin then, nor did it end when I returned to heaven on February 13, 2013. This short period was packed – so many lives to touch, so little time.

Long before the late evening of December 1, our Heavenly Father counseled with me regarding my earth mission. The basic assignment was pretty straightforward – gain a body. The rest of the assignment involved teaching as many people as I could about how much love our Savior has for all of God’s children. We carefully selected a family that guaranteed maximum coverage – an extended family with deep Gospel roots, with a natural tendency to be good and kind, and sealed in the new and everlasting covenant.

Of particular importance was the selection of my parents. Who in this family could the Lord qualify to offer me selfless care with the following specifications?
1. Full term maternity care.
2. Ability to provide priesthood blessings, and give me three names of deep significance.
3. Ride in a life flight transport bassinette
4. Echo-cardiograms (at least 2)
5. Open-heart surgery
6. 50 hospital night stays, more than half of which must be in ICU
7. Parent-inserted feeding tube (Dad gets extra credit for this one), Feeding tube must be filled with mother’s milk (Mom gets extra credit for this one.)
8. Constant companionship of an oxygen tank
9. Mother-provided blog to ensure that the message of our Savior’s love would be shouted from the mountain tops.
10.Dad who can keep his job through all this.
11.See Idaho at least once.
12.Do it all in 75 days, with most of the first day taken up with making sure mom gets to the hospital on time, and most of the last day set aside for me to be welcomed home by my family.

It was clear that there were several worthy candidates capable of fulfilling these specifications. In the end, I chose the best looking ones, with the greatest big brother ever.

I am grateful to my mother and father for their preparations, which allowed the Holy Ghost to teach them. They learned to be more courageous, to have increased confidence in acting upon the promptings of the Spirit – and they didn’t miss once.

I am now aware of the short-term success of my mission. Hundreds of people have experienced our Savior’s love, and have demonstrated that love through countless acts of kindness, patience, and charity. Individual testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have been strengthened. Harsh words have given way to peaceable things.

The long-term success of my mission is now in your hands; although you can be assured that I will be anxiously engaged in a very real way until the work is done. I will be there every time you ask “What now?” instead of “Why me?” I will be there every time your heart aches, and every time you want nothing more but to hold me again. I promise you that through the loving grace of our brother Jesus Christ, all things will be restored. Your arms will lovingly and securely fold around me, to raise me as your son in the great and glorious day of the Lord.

Of these truths I bear witness, and acknowledge God’s hand in all things, and do so in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

On Saturday, April 13, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Heart to Heart Luncheon put on by the Intermountain Healing Hearts group. Oh, what a blessing this event was to me!
I had debated for the two weeks prior if I really wanted to go.  I was really unsure if I would feel included...not because of the women (I knew they would welcome me with open arms), but because of my situation.  This was a group of women that were mostly still fighting their fight with congenital heart defects.  Most of them still had their little children and I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable.  I didn't want to be the mom there that represented everyone else's worst nightmare.  My baby was gone...and every other mom in that room had thought about that happening. I would be the reminder. However, I talked to a few other angel moms that had gone to the event in the past and they encouraged me to go, if I felt up to it.  They gave me a little bit of an idea of what to expect.  So, earlier in the week, I was ok with going.

Then, on Thursday, I made the realization that it would be the two month anniversary of Joshua's angel day and I started to panic again.  I was a little bit of a mess on the one month anniversary and I wasn't sure I wanted to have any breakdowns in public.  However, on Friday, I decided if I was going to have a breakdown in front of any group of people, this one would be the one to do it.

So, I woke up on Saturday with all the feelings of the anniversary as well as being completely nervous.  I changed my outfit twice (I wanted to be comfortable).  I was so grateful to be driving up with a dear friend and fellow heart mom.  At least I would have one person there with me.

Once I got there, I realized very quickly that I had nothing to be nervous about.  There were the other angel moms I had met and they all came up to me and gave me a hug.  Some even remembered the anniversary, which was more than I could ever ask for!  I also met a number of other wonderful heart moms that told me how they have read Joshua's story and they were so excited to meet me, which was so strange because I felt the same way about them!  The connection I felt with each of these women was so amazing.  It felt good to talk the medical talk again (feeding tubes, ICU, surgery, O2 sats, etc.).  It was so much a part of my life with Joshua and something I just don't do anymore.  I felt connected to Joshua and my love for this group grew by the minute.

The afternoon just got better with the speakers.  One of the angel moms spoke about the journey we all face and no matter where we are in our journey, we can draw support from each other.  She is one that I look up to so much and her words were perfect.  The next speaker was Tiffany Peterson, who is a professional inspirational speaker.  Two things stood out to me from her presentation:  (1) have your spiritual first aid kit ready to go. (scripture reading, prayers, etc.  Anything that helps you spiritually) Have these things ready for the moments you will need them most.  (2) When you are ready, take the time to think about your trial in life as a gift. Our adversity is a gift wrapped in unattractive paper. We can take the time to be sad, frustrated, mad, and disappointed, but when we are ready, we should take the chance to see the benefits of our situation. Along these same lines, she quoted her mother, "If you're going through hell, don't build a house there!"
There was a point where we all stood in a circle and linked arms. It was then, with that physical representation, that we all felt the strength that comes with many. This is a journey as a heart mom is rough, but I feel so blessed to be in the company of such amazing women. I felt the truth that our strength as a whole was greater than the sum if our individual parts. We are stronger when we depend on each other.

I'm so glad I went. It was the perfect place to be on that anniversary. Thank you to all the amazing women for the hard word and dedication taken to put this on. I feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

When we found out about Joshua's heart condition at my 20 week ultrasound, I never imagined the world we would be thrown into.  I seriously can't believe I am part of the world of some of the strongest, most amazing families.  There is so much power and strength to be found...and it is a world that most people never know exist.

 I am sure there will be more posts on this topic in the future, since this is the world I now live in, but I had an experience today that struck me.

One thing we do in our little world is we share blogs...it is a way that many of us feel like we can keep our angels alive and help people feel their special spirits.  When we link our friend's blogs on our sidebar, we usually title it with the little child's name...and you know the precious one has passed away when you add the title "Angel" in front of the name.

I have seen this done for countless other families and remember feeling something different whenever I saw that extra title.  Today, however, I saw the words "Angel Joshua" on a friend's blog and it hit me again...I am the mother of an angel.  I am part of a tight-knit world of women who have buried their children.  I am the mother of "Angel Joshua."
 I guess I am still trying to find myself within this new identity... because I am definitely not the same person I was before my little Joshua came into this world.  My hope is that I can take this new identity and make positive changes in my world.  I hope I can live in the moment and focus on the things that matter most.  I hope I can live up to the title "Angel Mom" and I hope Joshua can be proud of the family that is associated with his new title, "Angel Joshua."