Wow...it has been a long time since I posted on this blog.  I can honestly say that life moves forward with our new normal.  Sometimes, when I think about it, it is absolutely crazy that my "life before Joshua" (as I like to call it) was just  2 1/2 years ago.  In many ways, it seems like it was forever ago...it has been forever since I held him and it seems like so much has happened.  But 2 1/2 years doesn't sound like a very long time when you say it! The way we experience time is a strange thing and something I continue to be baffled by. But, here we are!  2 1/2 years has come and gone!



Anyway, this past week, I had the marvelous opportunity to view a production of the show, "Savior of the World" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  What a glorious depiction of the events proceeding Christs birth and those that followed the Resurrection!  I got to see this show the Christmas after Joshua passed away and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see it again so close to another milestone.  You see, the truths described in the show are, in fact, the truths that give me hope: that our Savior was born, that He died, and that He rose again from the grave!  That through Him, we can be together as a family forever!  That because of Him, I will hold my baby again!  Honestly, there is no better way to spend two hours of your time*!

This time seemed extra special to me because I met a new angel mom friend.  My parents and a couple of my siblings were in the show, so I had the opportunity to meet more of the cast members.  Turns out that the wonderful woman playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a new angel mom.  She lost her sweet baby after he was born extremely early, right before the auditions for the show were to take place. When we met for the first time, all we did was give each other a hug and a bond was born.  No words needed to be said....we were special to each other because we knew the pain.  So, to hear her speak the truths in the show and to watch her hold that baby Jesus, it just made them all the more real and brought back very special feelings of my own.

A few parts in the show that were especially touchings:

1)  The main song in the whole show has different verses for different scenes.  During the scene of the tomb right after Christ is buried, the chorus sings these words:




2)  After Christ is resurrected, He visits with some of the disciples on the road to Emmaus.  After their experience, they are talking with each other about the joy they feel to have their Lord back with them again.  One of them asks something along the lines of, "How could we have been so sad?"  My thoughts with that line were that I can not wait to put the sadness behind me.  There will be a time when I ask myself how I could have been so sad because the joy will be so great! It will be a glorious time.

3) Along those same lines, the women that loved Jesus are talking together after their own visit with the Savior.  One says, "Our grief is gone!"  Another responds with, "No, changed.  Our grief has transformed into joy." You guys...when the Savior comes, our grief will transform into Joy!  I know it will!  What a blessed day it will be!

4) Finally, another theme that is presented throughout the show is the idea that the Lord has a plan for all of us.  Every time something seems to be going wrong (like, having to move to Bethlehem, not being able to find a proper place to stay, or even having to tell her beloved Joseph that she is expecting), Mary says one phrase over and over again.  It is "All flesh is in His hands." I loved this thought!  The thought that our Heavenly Father is holding onto us, that He is helping us have the experiences we are suppose to have.  Never would I have hoped or wished for Joshua to have passed away, but never would I give up the experience now that it has happened.  Joshua brings me closer to God every day and the more I look to God and Christ, the more I realize that we are learning what we need to learn in order to become who we are meant to become.  "All flesh is in His hands."


Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful messages in this show!  But, needless to say, there is so much power that comes when truth is testified.

How grateful I am for this glorious gospel!  What peace it brings to my soul to contemplate the great Plan of Salvation!  No words can express how I feel about my Savior and what He has done for me and my entire family.  I am working each day to live my life in accordance with His commandments because I love Him and want to live with Him someday.  It is because of Him, I will have all my children around me someday.

Today, I will be taking some time to read some scriptures regarding the promises of the resurrection.  I hope each of you will take a few minutes to read and ponder some of you favorite scriptures about the Savior in honor of my little Joshua.  May you find peace and hope in those words like I do.



*For more information about the production of "Savior of the World", visit here.
**For more information about our Savior, Jesus Christ, visit here.

It is funny how so many realizations about people happen at Walmart.  You see so many different people and our eyes are opened to so many different things.  Well, I had my own realization about people a few weeks ago.  As I walked through the doors, I realized something rather significant:



Unless I happened to run into a neighbor or friend, not a single person knew about my little Joshua and the pain I have been through the past few months. It was a strange feeling.  It seems like since my whole world was shaken like a 10-point earthquake that everyone in the whole world should have felt something!  But the truth is, not everyone in the world knows and I can't expect them to unless I tell them.

With that came another conclusion...I didn't know anything about anyone in that store either.  There very well could have been another young mom who just buried her baby within the last few months as well!  There could be someone fighting cancer. There could be someone who has lost their job and they don't know how they are going to pay for the purchases they need. I didn't know anything.

It made me want to treat people better.  It made me want to try to brighten someone's day, even if it was just a little smile or letting them go first in the check out line.  It made me see people differently.

The truth is we all have hard times.  We all have bad days and bad hours.  We all go through times that we could use a little bit of extra love. So, next time you are walking in a public place, make a point to give a smile or say "good morning" or just open the door for them.  Just be nice because you never know what they are going through.

My little Logan boy and I just spent a wonderful week in Idaho with some of my family. This was the first time I have been able to get away on a trip since Joshua's passing and I think it was really good for me. 

At first, I was a little nervous, believe it or not.  As I was driving there, I realized the last time I was in Idaho was with baby Joshua.  We were able to spend a wonderful Christmas with my family and all the memories of that trip came rushing back.  However, I was surprised when I walked into the house, I had a calm, peaceful feeling.  I love being at home.

We did a lot of really fun things! Including:

Since my little Joshua passed away, I have been drawn to different people who live there life in the moment.  Sometimes, this can be an overwhelming concept, especially when you feel the need to get everything done. 

As I was looking at my pinterest, I was drawn to a post that lead me to a wonderful blog called "Hands Free Mama," by Rachel Stafford.  As I started looking through it, I realized the whole blog was about a mother's journey to enjoying the little things of her children, but doing it not even day by day, but moment by moment.  The part of her philosphy that really stood out to me was when she mentioned that sometimes, there are other things that need to be done right now.  Those are times when you tell your child "just a minute" and keep working.  However, there are other times when the laundry can get folded later or the bathroom can stay dirty for another hour.  During those times, we can decide to play cars or dolls first, before the chores. 

I realized that living a "hands free life" was really not that difficult.  It was simply recognizing there is a choice and making a conscience decision.  I was excited to ponder this new way of thinking and it has really made an impact in my life over the last month.  I not only find myself spending more QUALITY time with my son, but when I have to get things done, he is not so desperate for my attention.  It has been a win-win! 

Some of the things I have been able to enjoy with Logan since I started doing this have been:





Our life with our children and family is precious and very short. You really don't know how much time you have with them.  I hope we can each take a few minutes and read more about Rachel's philosophy and maybe try to choose one moment a day to be "hands free." As my mom put so perfectly just now, "this is the life that keeps you from ever feeling guilty."

Be sure to visit Hands Free Mama!  I hope you enjoy visiting as much as I have!

I just spent the most wonderful weekend with my family.  They came down for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The addresses from our church leaders were amazing and I am sure there will be posts about them in the future as I listen to and study them in the future.  However, the biggest lesson I learned (and I have been taught this over and over again) was how much I loved my family.


I have been so blessed to have been born into one of the most amazing families on this earth.  There is so much love and joy in my life because of them.  Most of them were with me this weekend and as each of them started driving away, I couldn't help but ponder what life will be like in the eternities...when we will be together as a family forever. 

Families are not just a social thing in this world...they are an integral part of the plan of salvation!  The Lord set up families not only to bring more of His spirit children to the earth, but to provide the perfect way for us to experiences things we need to become who we are meant to become.  Everything we need to know (spiritually, temporally, physically, etc) can be learned within the bounds of our eternal families.

Oh, what a blessed day it will be. I realized today that I am not only looking forward to the day when I have my little Joshua again, but I am looking forward to the day when I will have my entire family with me again.  The reason I feel an ache in my heart is because there is someone missing right now.  Honestly, if I were to die tomorrow, I think I would still feel an ache...because my other little boy, my husband, my siblings, and my parents would be back on earth.  The true joy will come when we are ALL together. I am so grateful for my family! 

Learn more about the value of families by clicking here.

Before I get to the birthday, I wanted to review our Easter day yesterday.  Honestly, it was way more emotional then I thought.  I was excited to have a day dedicated to the glorious message of the resurrection and the joy that comes with that.  We went to church and I realized quickly that it was going to be emotionally draining.  While it was wonderful to think about the resurrection, I was definitely not ready for the shear amount the topic was discussed.  Of course, that is what we do on Easter, but talking and thinking about it for a full 24 hours really just made it more obvious that he is not with me, and it was hard.  Needless to say, I was emotionally drained by the end of the day.



I was, however, really glad I was able to spend the evening with our wonderful family.  I wanted to be around other people I love.  So, late afternoon, most of us met at the cemetery.  I thought about doing something like a spiritual thought, but in the end, we just hung out there for about an hours and chatted.  It was really nice to be together and feel Joshua's spirit. After that, we went back to our house for dinner and more being together.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful and amazing family. 


Now, for Joshua's 4 month birthday, I decided to write him another letter.  Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Dear Joshua-
I can't believe you would have been 4 months old today.  I found myself thinking about the day you were born.  It is hard to believe it was only 4 months ago...it sometimes seems like an eternity. 
Joshua, your dad and I were talking yesterday about how much we miss you.  Yesterday was Easter and we found ourselves missing you a lot.  With all the festive events of the weekend, I also found myself thinking how sad it was that you weren't here to do some of those things with us.  Then, I realized something...you were so sick that we probably wouldn't be doing anything like what we did this weekend.  We just couldn't do those things with you because you were so fragile. 

So, your dad and I made a commitment...to use the time we have now to keep our family close and be productive.  We have a new appreciation for the things we are able to do, we want to keep doing them!  We know that you will be there with us in our hearts and we hope our family and our relationships will continue to grow. 

Your life continues to change ours, little man.  I know you are doing great things on the other side...mostly because I see what you have done on this side.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Your Mother

One more week until Easter.  This year, Easter has become so much more to me than just a holiday with candy and bunnies.  The meaning behind these celebrations rings more clear and more meaningful than ever before.  We celebrate the resurrection of our Savior and all the blessings that come with it.  Oh, what joy fills my soul when I ponder this great truth: Our Savior Lives.

In this month's issue of the Ensign, one of the leaders of the church (President Henry B. Eyring) shares his simple and powerful testimony of this great event.  One paragraph stood out to me:

Because Jesus Christ broke the bands of death, all of the children of Heavenly Father born into the world will be resurrected in a body that will never die. So my testimony and yours of that glorious truth can take away the sting of the loss of a beloved family member or friend and replace it with joyful anticipation and firm determination.

It is because of my Savior that there is any hope.  It is because of my Savior that I feel any peace.  It is because of my Savior that we will all be resurrected and death's power is overcome.  It is because of my Savior that I have reason to rejoice.

As we approach the blessed holiday of Easter next Sunday, I hope each of you will take a few minutes to ponder the blessed truth of the resurrection and our Savior's role in our life. I can't wait to see my little Joshua again and for my whole family to be together again.


To read the full article, click here.
For more information on the doctrine of the Plan of Salvation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints, click here.

Last night, I received a call around 9:30 PM.  It was a guy that asked if I was the father/legal guardian of Joshua Ipson.  After confirming I was, he proceeded to ask if it were ok to ask a few questions regarding our Mountain View Hospital experience.  It was supposed to be a 5 minute survey.

I hesitated a little bit about the survey, but decided to proceed in taking it.  After all, it was only going to take 5 minutes.  He asked a few questions.  After two minutes, I realized how these questions were starting to take me back to the emotions of that morning.  He then asked, "If needed, would we decide to take the patient (Joshua) back to the ER again at Mountain View Hospital?"  This is when it occurred to me that he didn't know that Joshua died that morning.  I explained that many of the questions were hard to answer because Joshua passed away that morning of our ER visit.  He ended the survey at that point, mentioning that rest of the questions were insensitive and considering the circumstances, it would be best to end the survey.  He wished his condolences and then hung up.  

It was directly after the survey that I started to think about the date and that we were exactly 1 month out from that memorable night.  Stephanie and I spent the rest of that night tossing and turning as we thought back to that dreadful morning.  At 4:25 AM, I lay in bed thinking back to the time when the doctor officially said, "Stop the compressions.  Time of death at 4:25 AM."

Although it was a rough night, Stephanie and I had a pretty good day.  Overall, we stayed pretty busy with work, a lunch outing with a friend to McDonald's, a relief society activity, and a boys outing to the park to play disc golf.  One thing Joshua taught us was to treasure the moments.  As I reflect on the past month and the outings we've had with Logan, the time we spent with him seems more real.  More one on one.  More meaningful.  We will always remember Joshua for helping us realize how to live and treasure in the moment!

This weekend, Tim and I were able to attend two wedding- in other words, two new eternal families began. It was wonderful.

On Friday, we attended the reception of one of our youth that we used to teach in Sunday school. As we walked into the reception and saw her glowing face, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding. Boy, we had no idea what journey we were about to embark on or how important it really was that we were married in the temple. I looked at this beautiful bride and hoped they would keep the gospel close to their hearts as life began. As the trials of life started, I hope they will come to realize just how blessed they really are to have an eternal family because they got married in the temple.

Our wedding almost 5 years ago.

Also, we were able to attend the sealing of one of Tim's really good friend yesterday. Oh, what a perfect thing for a grieving mother's heart!!! I loved witnessing the start of an eternal marriage! It was such a good reminder of the eternal perspective.

The beautiful couple as they start their own eternal family.

Oh, sweet is the peace the gospel brings!! I still ache to have my little boy here, but going to the temple yesterday, I am reminded that I have reason to rejoice!! "Oh, death, where is they sting?" It is definitely muted because of our Savior and His gospel. Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to hold my precious boy again and for us all to live together as an eternal family. When I ponder these eternal truths, the ache in my heart turns to a burning of peace and joy. Only the power of truth being testified could do that to a grieving mother's heart.

The Mount Timpanogas Temple

Oh, what a wonderful way to spend a weekend!! Oh, what a beautiful reminder of how wonderful our Heavenly Father's Plan of Salvation really is! Oh, how blessed will be the day when I will, I WILL, see Joshua again. Oh, how wonderful that I have an eternal family.

A few days ago, my husband and I were getting all of our information together so we can get our taxes done.  We have them done by a family member and they like to get them done early.

Anyway, I pulled out my calendar from last year to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything for mileage for my business.  I was struck hard as I realized what a completely different person I was last year.  Things that were so important to me before I just can't even imagine spending my time doing.  I went through the calendar week by week and I saw things like "Ultrasound appointment, 3:30pm" on July 25 (the appointment we found out about Joshua's heart conditions), "Dr. Schemmer, 1:30" (Our perinatalogist...specialized OB that would help with the delivery), "Dr. Su-Echotest, 9AM" (Cardiology and one of many fetal echos we had done."  By far, the hardest was seeing December 4 say "Scheduled Induction, be at hospital by 7AM"...we never made it to that day, but it was a reminder of Joshua's birth and the beginning of his earthly mission.

I was so incredibly emotional as I went through this calendar.  I felt like these events were centuries ago....sometimes it felt like a whole different lifetime.  I guess I was emotional because I am still trying to figure out my new normal, and it is not an easy transition. 

I have said it before to many people and even on this blog post...Time has become a very strange thing to me all of the sudden.  Since Joshua's passing, I find myself with another "time issue,"...filling up my time again.

Really, during Joshua's 2 1/2 months of life, I did very little but take care of him and think about him.  Even our little Logan didn't get much of our time because Joshua really did require so much!  We would spend our whole day at the hospital...and sometimes even slept there!  I lived and breathed Joshua and all that came with him.  Now, he is being taken care of by others in heaven, I find myself in a strange place...how to fill my time.

It is even more funny when I think about my life before Joshua was here.  I thought I was SO BUSY....and yet, here I am with basically the same responsibilities and I feel like I have so much time on my hands...which just gives me too much time to think.  I also find that things I thought were important before are not as important any more.  I don't want to waste my life on things that are not going to matter.

So, with all these thoughts in my head, I attended a stake Relief Society meeting on Thursday night.  I wasn't sure I was going to go...these types of gatherings are still difficult sometimes, but I really felt like I needed to be there.  They did some break out sessions for different topics.  I was still very unsure which classes I was going to attend.  When they started explaining what classes were offered, I was struck as I looked at one of the speakers and knew I needed to go to her class.  I wasn't sure why, but go I did...

Turns out, this sweet sister was a fellow Angel Mom...she had lost her sweet son just over a year ago.  She spent the 30 minutes she had explaining so many feelings and experiences that I am having right now.  She talked about what is really important...like our relationship with our Heavenly Father, our families, and ourselves.

I know for a fact that Heavenly Father prompted me to go to that meeting.  As I figure out my life without Joshua on earth, I hope the Lord can help me figure out how to make the important things a priority.  I want to constantly work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I want to keep my family strong. I want to keep Joshua's mission and spirit alive.  I want my time to be filled with the things that matter...and I feel so grateful that Joshua has given me the perspective I need to make that happen.

I'm sure there will be more posts on this topic.  I have a feeling this will be a life-long pursuit.   The speaker at the meeting shared this perfect Mormon Message that explains my goals perfectly.  I love how the prophet Thomas S. Monson summarizes what we should be doing with our time. May we all review our life and make sure we are focusing on the things that matter most.