This is only my 3rd Mothers' Day as a mom with kids, but I have been celebrating Mothers' Day for much longer than that.  

It began with the years my siblings and I would wake up early to make my mom breakfast in bed.  She would eat the soggy eggs and watery orange juice while opening homemade presents we made at school.  We were so excited to show her how much we loved her and cared for her. 
As I got older, Mothers' Day became a day when I would ponder my future role as a mother.  It was something I wanted desperately.  This idea became even more defining once I was married and we started talking about our future family.  Having my other half share my desire for children made me want to be a mother even more.  Yes...Mothers' Day was special then, as well. Then, my first year with little Logan was wonderful.  I was finally a Mother.  I thought I had reached my full understanding of what Mothers' Day was going to mean to me. 

Then...we have this year.  Now, I am a mother who has lost a child.  Suddenly, I find myself pondering this divine role of motherhood and what it means to all women in the world. My eyes have been opened to the plethora of situations that come with the role "motherhood":

• Women who have one or more children
• Women who have lost one (or more) children
• Women who have had miscarriages or stillborns
• Women who are empty nesters
• Women who struggle with infertility
• Women who are raising their grandkids
• Women who see their children making poor choices
• Women who have children with special needs
• Women who have children with chronic health issues
• Etc, Etc, Etc

As I went through this list in my head, I made a realization: Motherhood brings the greatest joy and also some of the most difficult pain in all of life.   Why, I wondered, do the pains that come with motherhood hurt so darn bad?  Why does losing a child hurt forever?  Why does it hurt so bad when you want children and can't get pregnant?  Why does the pain of losing a pregnancy have to be so consuming? 

I found the answer when I was reading a talk by the wonderful Sheri Dew.  She was one of the leaders of the women's organization of the LDS church and was never married or had any children.  In one of her talks to the women of the church, she made this statement: 

I have had a few opportunities over the past few weeks to ponder what our attitudes should be while we are going through a difficult time. So often, during hard times, we are told to find the lesson we are suppose to learn or be grateful for the trials we have because they make us into who we are suppose to be.

Now, I would be the first person to tell you that trials and hardships can and mostly are gifts wrapped in unattractive paper. However, I will also be the first to tell you that it is not all warm fuzzys to have to go through something hard.

So, with all this on my mind, I couldn't help but think about all the information I received about the grieving process. While there are many views on the topic, there was always something similar in every philosophy: allow yourself time to feel sad, frustrated, and/or angry. This is not only understandable, it is healthy in order to eventually discover your new normal.

I think this principle holds true for any difficult trial we have to go through. Are you having a hard time finding a job? It's ok to be frustrated. Are your children pushing your buttons more and more? It's ok to get angry. Does it sometimes feel like you are the only person in the world who could possibly understand what you are going through? It is ok to feel lonely.

What is important in all of this is to not let yourself be consumed by these emotions. In fact, I think they give you something to put at the feet of Christ. We can get on our hands and knees and pray for The Lord to carry some of the burden. And you know what? He will. I have experienced the lightness of my burdens lifted over the past months especially.

Very few people I know feel thankful for their trial when they are going through them. And, lets be honest, no matter how much you learned, most people don't want to go through that hard time again. And you know what...that is ok.

When you are ready, give your burdens over to our Savior. As the speaker at our luncheon said, "If you are going through hell, don't build a house there." Allow yourself to be frustrated, angry, discouraged, frightened, and sad. When you are ready, give your burdens to The Lord. Until then, give yourself permission to feel. It is part of mortality.

I just spent the most wonderful weekend with my family.  They came down for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The addresses from our church leaders were amazing and I am sure there will be posts about them in the future as I listen to and study them in the future.  However, the biggest lesson I learned (and I have been taught this over and over again) was how much I loved my family.


I have been so blessed to have been born into one of the most amazing families on this earth.  There is so much love and joy in my life because of them.  Most of them were with me this weekend and as each of them started driving away, I couldn't help but ponder what life will be like in the eternities...when we will be together as a family forever. 

Families are not just a social thing in this world...they are an integral part of the plan of salvation!  The Lord set up families not only to bring more of His spirit children to the earth, but to provide the perfect way for us to experiences things we need to become who we are meant to become.  Everything we need to know (spiritually, temporally, physically, etc) can be learned within the bounds of our eternal families.

Oh, what a blessed day it will be. I realized today that I am not only looking forward to the day when I have my little Joshua again, but I am looking forward to the day when I will have my entire family with me again.  The reason I feel an ache in my heart is because there is someone missing right now.  Honestly, if I were to die tomorrow, I think I would still feel an ache...because my other little boy, my husband, my siblings, and my parents would be back on earth.  The true joy will come when we are ALL together. I am so grateful for my family! 

Learn more about the value of families by clicking here.

This week, I have been preparing for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To do this, I have been reviewing some of the past addresses given.  I wanted to share of these talks with you.

This man, Elder Bowen, gives a very candid account of his experience with loosing his little boy after he aspirates a piece of chalk.  I really appreciate this discussion because he talks about how difficult it was.  Sometimes, I feel like people expect you to be "ok" when you loose a loved one because you have a belief in the afterlife.  However, just because I know I will see little Joshua again, it does not make it any easier to not have him here with me.  I love this quote from his talk:




I look forward to this weekend when we will hear more wonderful messages from the leaders of our church.

I have pondered the events of that day and the message from Elder Wirthin in this video.  It truly was one of, if not the, darkest day in the history of the world.  In fact, the whole earth mourned the loss of it's Savior.  I can't help but think about how often we have to go through dark times.  I have had days since Joshua has passed that have felt dark...just sad and missing him so much I thought my heart was going to burst.  I am definitely living out a time in my life that I would consider one of my "Fridays".

I can't help but think of Mary (the Mother of Jesus).  Oh, how I think about her and wish I could have given her a big hug on that Friday.    Sure, she probably had been taught it would happen.  Sure, she probably had a testimony of the Savior's role in the Plan of Salvation.  But she had lost her son in a brutal and awful way...and it just hurts a lot.

But Easter Sunday came!  I can only imagine Mary's emotions took a complete 180 when she found out about Christ's resurrection. Jesus Christ broke the bands of death...but for her, she had her son back.

Yes...I may be living in a time of my life that I would consider a "Friday".  But all I can do to stay above the turmoil in my heart is to ponder and have faith that Sunday will indeed come.  I will, just like Mary, be able to embrace my little boy again.  I will, because of my Savior, have my whole family together someday.

Good Friday was a day of darkness...the darkest of all days.  But it was proceeded by the most glorious just a few days later.  May we all enjoy pondering the blessed events of that marvelous weekend.



 

Learn more about our Savior (His life, mission, and what it means for you) by clicking here

One more week until Easter.  This year, Easter has become so much more to me than just a holiday with candy and bunnies.  The meaning behind these celebrations rings more clear and more meaningful than ever before.  We celebrate the resurrection of our Savior and all the blessings that come with it.  Oh, what joy fills my soul when I ponder this great truth: Our Savior Lives.

In this month's issue of the Ensign, one of the leaders of the church (President Henry B. Eyring) shares his simple and powerful testimony of this great event.  One paragraph stood out to me:

Because Jesus Christ broke the bands of death, all of the children of Heavenly Father born into the world will be resurrected in a body that will never die. So my testimony and yours of that glorious truth can take away the sting of the loss of a beloved family member or friend and replace it with joyful anticipation and firm determination.

It is because of my Savior that there is any hope.  It is because of my Savior that I feel any peace.  It is because of my Savior that we will all be resurrected and death's power is overcome.  It is because of my Savior that I have reason to rejoice.

As we approach the blessed holiday of Easter next Sunday, I hope each of you will take a few minutes to ponder the blessed truth of the resurrection and our Savior's role in our life. I can't wait to see my little Joshua again and for my whole family to be together again.


To read the full article, click here.
For more information on the doctrine of the Plan of Salvation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints, click here.

I love the message of this address given by one of the Apostles on the earth. Although he specifically addresses the grief we feel when we have lost a loved one, I think the message can apply to any time in our life we are feeling low. It will not be like that forever and if we turn to our Savior, we can find peace and hope for a brighter future.

I also think this is the perfect message to ponder as we start this Easter season.  Because of our Savior, Sunday truly will come...mortality will be over and we will live in peace and joy as resurrected beings.  I am so grateful for my Savior and the hope that comes with his infinite atoning sacrifice. 



 

This weekend, Tim and I were able to attend two wedding- in other words, two new eternal families began. It was wonderful.

On Friday, we attended the reception of one of our youth that we used to teach in Sunday school. As we walked into the reception and saw her glowing face, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding. Boy, we had no idea what journey we were about to embark on or how important it really was that we were married in the temple. I looked at this beautiful bride and hoped they would keep the gospel close to their hearts as life began. As the trials of life started, I hope they will come to realize just how blessed they really are to have an eternal family because they got married in the temple.

Our wedding almost 5 years ago.

Also, we were able to attend the sealing of one of Tim's really good friend yesterday. Oh, what a perfect thing for a grieving mother's heart!!! I loved witnessing the start of an eternal marriage! It was such a good reminder of the eternal perspective.

The beautiful couple as they start their own eternal family.

Oh, sweet is the peace the gospel brings!! I still ache to have my little boy here, but going to the temple yesterday, I am reminded that I have reason to rejoice!! "Oh, death, where is they sting?" It is definitely muted because of our Savior and His gospel. Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to hold my precious boy again and for us all to live together as an eternal family. When I ponder these eternal truths, the ache in my heart turns to a burning of peace and joy. Only the power of truth being testified could do that to a grieving mother's heart.

The Mount Timpanogas Temple

Oh, what a wonderful way to spend a weekend!! Oh, what a beautiful reminder of how wonderful our Heavenly Father's Plan of Salvation really is! Oh, how blessed will be the day when I will, I WILL, see Joshua again. Oh, how wonderful that I have an eternal family.

I have felt a strong urge over the past few weeks to study the gospel more.  Reading my scriptures was never something that was so easy for me, but recently, I feel like I can't get enough of it.  Not only does it bring the spirit to my heart, making me feel more at peace with everything, but I really do see the Plan of Salvation in everything and it makes me more hopeful that I will see Joshua again.


I have started reading this book as part of my study: The Infinite Atonement, by Tad R. Callister. I am so excited to dive deeper into this vital doctrine.  As I was reading the first few chapters of this book, I was struck by one of his paragraphs: "Every attempt to reflect upon the Atonement, to study it, to embrace it, to express appreciation for it, however small or feeble it may be, will kindle the fires of faith and work its miracle towards a more Christlike life.  It is an inescapable consequence of so doing.  We become like those things we habitually love and admire.  And thus, as we study Christ's life and live his teachings, we become more like him."

I am so excited to come closer to Christ by increasing my study of the Atonement.  I know that I need to keep living my life as faithful as I can so I can live with my Joshua again.

What are some of the ways you study the gospel, or get closer to your God?  Do you have a favorite scripture or book that you return to a lot?