I was just thinking about this moment today...the moment I got to hold Joshua for the first time.  It was such an incredible moment...not only because I was holding my baby for the first time, but because it happened way sooner than I ever thought it would.  Since we had no idea what condition Joshua would be in after birth, we had prepared ourselves for a long time before we could hold our new son.  What a blessing it was that within an hour of his birth, we were holding him and we got to hold him a lot that first week he was in the hospital.

I remember telling Tim how crazy it was to see our baby with so many wires and tubes.  I laugh now because he ended up have WAY more on him at one time.  But, honestly, it didn't matter.  He was our boy and he seemed more than perfect to me, not matter what any doctor said.  I miss holding him and, man, I can't wait to hold that little man again. 

We had the wonderful opportunity to participate in the Running with Angels 5K Walk/Run at Thanksgiving Point.  It turned out to be a really wonderful morning, even though it was very cold...and VERY wet!  I could feel Joshua with us and it felt so good to do something in his honor. 

After a little bit of drama with the monument place, Joshua's headstone is finally placed!  We are both trilled with it.  I am just so glad to have something there to see and that there is something there for everyone else to see when they visit. 

I do not think it was a coincidence that the stone was placed today...exactly 3 months since his passing.  These dates come so often (every 1st and every 13th of the month...plus holidays like Mother's Day and Easter) that it is draining sometimes.  I think this was one way the Lord could remind me that He is with us during this difficult time.  We are truly blessed to have this small, but significant tender mercy. 

 There were a few things that were very important to us when we designed the headstone: 

1) His picture: So much of Joshua's spirit could be felt when you looked into his eyes and I feel that people get a small glimpse of that with this picture.  It was a must. 

 2) "Heart Hero":  Tim wanted to give people a little clue as to why Joshua's mortal life was so short.  After a few brainstorming sessions, we came up with the Heart Hero inside the heart.  Although there was no possible way of explaining everything, we feel that this small clue will be a little hint as to what his life was like. 

So, this morning, I was thinking it was about time to get Joshua's photo book together. I make a photo book for Logan for each year and I plan to do that with all my kids.  I have sat down to do Joshua's before and I just couldn't do it.  My heart was not ready to review that short little life in such detail.  However, I feel like if I wait too much longer, we are going to forget some important details and that is the last thing I want.

So, I have a request from all of you!  I know very few people knew Joshua on a personal level, but I do know that many of you have been touched by his spirit and have experiences with him.  If you don't mind sharing, I would like to collect some of your experiences to include in Joshua's book.  Not only will it help complete the story of his life, I think it would be good for my healing heart to hear from all of you and how Joshua's life affected others. 

So, there are two ways you can share: (1) simply leave your memory/story in a comment below or (2) send me an e-mail at abrokenheartandcontritespirit@gmail.com. 

Thank you, in advance, for your contribution to Joshua's book.  This will be something our family will treasure forever and for generations.

Next weekend, Tim and I will have our first opportunity to spread Joshua's spirit in a very public way. Next weekend, we will be participating in the Running With Angels 5K.  Not only will we be walking the actual race, but we have been asked to be one of three families to participate in the traditional dove release at the beginning of the race.

Running With Angels is a book written by Pam Hansen, who lost multiple children and then struggled with weight for a long time.  She shares her journey of grief and self-determination and eventually runs a marathon!  Now, she helps put on this 5K on an annual basis to help raise money for the Angel Watch Program (click for more information). Here is a beautiful picture slide show of last year's run (take note of the dove release...that is what we will be doing as a family!)




As I prepare myself for this event, I have a few different emotions running through me.  First of all, I am excited to be able to share little Joshua with a bigger audience.  As his mother, I feel a responsibility to make sure his little life is not forgotten.  Also, I can't wait to be surrounded by all these wonderful families that know what it is like to lose a loved one.  There is a special spirit when people like that gather together and I draw lots of strength from that.

Surprisingly, I am not that nervous.  I have been able to talk to people about Joshua pretty openly and I have found that if I need to cry, there is no shame in that (especially in front of a crowd like the one at this race). It will be a moment I will never forget and I am excited.

If you are interested in attending this event, simply visit their website to register.  If you are not a runner, you are welcome to walk the course as well (that is where I will be).  I hope to see a lot of you there!

As I posted yesterday, it is amazing how quickly memories can fade, even when we are trying so hard to keep them fresh.  I was a little down yesterday as I tried to close my eyes and remember certain details of Joshua's life and they just don't have the clarity that they have had before.

So, last night, a member of the Intermountain Healing Hearts stopped by to give me a gift.  I had no idea what she was bringing, but I was surprised that I didn't remember they were doing this for us!  At Joshua's funeral, there was someone there that had us pick out a few flowers, which they said they would dry for us and display them.  Well, I finally got to see the finished product last night and I couldn't be more thrilled with it!
As I sat there staring at this beautiful creation, I couldn't help but think about Joshua's funeral.  Then, I realized something...Joshua's life sketch!  A 10-minute talk by my father at the funeral was a perfect review of Joshua's short life and I got really excited to read it.  As I did, memories that I had completely forgotten about came rushing back. Little moments that I hold so dear.  I also read through my talk and got some of the same thing.

So, I wanted to share these words with you (with my dad's permission).  I love this simple take on his life and I love that I can read them whenever I need the reminder.


Brothers and Sisters, it is indeed heartwarming to see so many of you here. We are grateful for your sacrifice, and for your love.

It is my privilege to share a sketch of the life of Joshua Kent Ipson. I have chosen to tell this from Joshua’s perspective, with the hope that this approach will allow us to see the purposes of the Lord more clearly.

My name is Joshua Kent Ipson, and I came into this earthly existence on December 1, 2012. But my life and mission did not begin then, nor did it end when I returned to heaven on February 13, 2013. This short period was packed – so many lives to touch, so little time.

Long before the late evening of December 1, our Heavenly Father counseled with me regarding my earth mission. The basic assignment was pretty straightforward – gain a body. The rest of the assignment involved teaching as many people as I could about how much love our Savior has for all of God’s children. We carefully selected a family that guaranteed maximum coverage – an extended family with deep Gospel roots, with a natural tendency to be good and kind, and sealed in the new and everlasting covenant.

Of particular importance was the selection of my parents. Who in this family could the Lord qualify to offer me selfless care with the following specifications?
1. Full term maternity care.
2. Ability to provide priesthood blessings, and give me three names of deep significance.
3. Ride in a life flight transport bassinette
4. Echo-cardiograms (at least 2)
5. Open-heart surgery
6. 50 hospital night stays, more than half of which must be in ICU
7. Parent-inserted feeding tube (Dad gets extra credit for this one), Feeding tube must be filled with mother’s milk (Mom gets extra credit for this one.)
8. Constant companionship of an oxygen tank
9. Mother-provided blog to ensure that the message of our Savior’s love would be shouted from the mountain tops.
10.Dad who can keep his job through all this.
11.See Idaho at least once.
12.Do it all in 75 days, with most of the first day taken up with making sure mom gets to the hospital on time, and most of the last day set aside for me to be welcomed home by my family.

It was clear that there were several worthy candidates capable of fulfilling these specifications. In the end, I chose the best looking ones, with the greatest big brother ever.

I am grateful to my mother and father for their preparations, which allowed the Holy Ghost to teach them. They learned to be more courageous, to have increased confidence in acting upon the promptings of the Spirit – and they didn’t miss once.

I am now aware of the short-term success of my mission. Hundreds of people have experienced our Savior’s love, and have demonstrated that love through countless acts of kindness, patience, and charity. Individual testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have been strengthened. Harsh words have given way to peaceable things.

The long-term success of my mission is now in your hands; although you can be assured that I will be anxiously engaged in a very real way until the work is done. I will be there every time you ask “What now?” instead of “Why me?” I will be there every time your heart aches, and every time you want nothing more but to hold me again. I promise you that through the loving grace of our brother Jesus Christ, all things will be restored. Your arms will lovingly and securely fold around me, to raise me as your son in the great and glorious day of the Lord.

Of these truths I bear witness, and acknowledge God’s hand in all things, and do so in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Dear Joshua-
Happy 5 months birthday.  5 months...wow...this time, it seems like it has been an eternity since that night you were born. Truly, it has to have been longer than that. 


I can't help but wonder what you would be doing right now if you were still here...and what our family would be doing.  I wonder if you would still have really chubby cheeks or if you would be thinning out a little. I wonder how much you would be taking at each feeding and maybe you would be close to having your feeding tube taken out...but probably not. :)  I wonder if you would be having good days that you didn't need much oxygen.  I wonder if you would be sleeping longer at night or if you would still be waking up every few hours.  

But really, it is getting harder for me to wonder what you would be doing developmentally.  You were so special and definitely did things at your own pace.  I have no idea what you would be doing.  We may still be working on helping you hold up your head.  We probably would still be working on your swallowing. (most likely, you probably wouldn't have even passed your swallow study, mister slow poke!) You just liked to take your time...
Joshua, things are getting a little better for me...but still hard at times.  As the time goes on, I am noticing that my memories are starting to fade, and that makes me so sad.  I cling to the ones that are still there and pull out your pictures all the time, hoping to rekindle those memories.  I am grateful I have your pictures, your clothes, your blankets, and this blog so I can remember you more clearly.

However, the one thing that still has never decreased is how much I feel your presence.  I know you are with our family, Joshua, and I know you are doing great things.  I wonder how the time feels to you.  Does it feel like an eternity since you laid in my arms or does it seem like just seconds with the eternal perspective you surely have? Either way, I hope you will keep your spirit close to me.  I love knowing you are near.  I need that. 

(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: 

Before I get to the birthday, I wanted to review our Easter day yesterday.  Honestly, it was way more emotional then I thought.  I was excited to have a day dedicated to the glorious message of the resurrection and the joy that comes with that.  We went to church and I realized quickly that it was going to be emotionally draining.  While it was wonderful to think about the resurrection, I was definitely not ready for the shear amount the topic was discussed.  Of course, that is what we do on Easter, but talking and thinking about it for a full 24 hours really just made it more obvious that he is not with me, and it was hard.  Needless to say, I was emotionally drained by the end of the day.



I was, however, really glad I was able to spend the evening with our wonderful family.  I wanted to be around other people I love.  So, late afternoon, most of us met at the cemetery.  I thought about doing something like a spiritual thought, but in the end, we just hung out there for about an hours and chatted.  It was really nice to be together and feel Joshua's spirit. After that, we went back to our house for dinner and more being together.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful and amazing family. 


Now, for Joshua's 4 month birthday, I decided to write him another letter.  Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Dear Joshua-
I can't believe you would have been 4 months old today.  I found myself thinking about the day you were born.  It is hard to believe it was only 4 months ago...it sometimes seems like an eternity. 
Joshua, your dad and I were talking yesterday about how much we miss you.  Yesterday was Easter and we found ourselves missing you a lot.  With all the festive events of the weekend, I also found myself thinking how sad it was that you weren't here to do some of those things with us.  Then, I realized something...you were so sick that we probably wouldn't be doing anything like what we did this weekend.  We just couldn't do those things with you because you were so fragile. 

So, your dad and I made a commitment...to use the time we have now to keep our family close and be productive.  We have a new appreciation for the things we are able to do, we want to keep doing them!  We know that you will be there with us in our hearts and we hope our family and our relationships will continue to grow. 

Your life continues to change ours, little man.  I know you are doing great things on the other side...mostly because I see what you have done on this side.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Your Mother

Well, this weekend we took the plunge and ordered little Joshua's headstone.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be, but it actually turned out to be alright.

Tim and I walked into the monument place with Logan and the very first thing I noticed was a group of middle-aged people all huddled over a computer with one of the workers.  I quickly realized that this must be a group of siblings working on the design for one of their parents (most likely).  It was another one of those moments I realized I shouldn't be doing something like this yet...and definitely not for one of my children.  I am only 25 years old...I should not know the ins and outs to buying a headstone!  It is not the natural course of things and it was strange.

Then, I was surprised to see the number of samples they had for infant stones.  I have realized this before, but there are way too many families out there that have experienced loosing a baby.  I noticed this another time when I was looking at the other headstones around Joshua's grave and realized how many children were buried right around him.  So often, I have felt alone in my feelings.  There can't be anyone in the world that understands what it must be like to loose a child...it just is not natural.  However, there ARE families who know...and way more than you probably ever knew.  You would be so surprised the number of letters and notes I received from people I have known my whole life who lost children at one point.  While it is so sad to think that others had to go through this heart ache, it is comforting to know that there are people in the world who understand what it feels like.

Finally, Tim and I were so incredibly happy with how the headstone design turned out.  We were able to get all the elements we wanted.  Honestly, I can't wait to have something tangible to look at and visit when we go to the cemetery.  For me, there is something very therapeutic about visiting Joshua's grave and I know having the headstone will make it even better. 

All in all, I am grateful we were able to get that done, however strange or unnatural it may seem.  They told us that it should be done in about 4-6 weeks and they should be able to place it once it is completed. 

I decided I wanted to have a collection of Joshua's funeral pictures in a slideshow.  It was actually very therapeutic for me to put this together.

I wanted to comment a little about the songs I picked for this slideshow.  The first one is called Jealous of the Angels by Jenn Bostic.  She actually wrote it after her father passed away, but I love the idea of the angels gathering around God and the reunion that must have happened when Joshua passed away. I am sure there were so many family members there to welcome him home and I am definitely jealous that I have to wait a little longer to be part of that, just like she talks about in her song.  The second song is To Where You Are by Josh Groban. Since Joshua passed, I know he has been close to our family, even though we can not see him.  He has become my guardian angel and I know he is there.  

I wanted these sweet messages to be what I remembered as I looked at these pictures.  

Tim and I went through all the wonderful notes and cards from everyone after the funeral and I found two more glorious necklaces that I LOVE!! I really don't feel like I am completely ready for the day until I have one of my Joshua necklaces on.  See the rest of my collection here.

One of Tim's co-workers gave me this one.  It is so simple and perfect!

I just spent the last hour reading through Stephanie's posts over the last 2 1/2 weeks.  Even after a few weeks, the whole experience is so fresh in my mind and I was tearing about 59 of the 60 minutes.

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend that attended Joshua's funeral.  He mentioned that as time goes on, some of the memories he's had with his two sons has started to fade.  As I look back on my life, I believe it!  At the funeral, my friend decided he wanted to write more experiences and memories down for future reading.  After talking to him, I realized I have not written any of my feelings, thoughts, and experiences down since I wrote the words I spoke at Joshua's funeral.  Although some of the experiences, thoughts, and feelings I have had recently are one's I don't think I'll ever forget, I think it is good for others to have access to them--especially Stephanie.  Over the next few weeks, I want to write my memories from the time we found out that Joshua had a heart defect to the current day.  Today, it'll be my feelings from his baby blessing.

Joshua was very influencial to me, my family, and to all those around him.  Stephanie depicted this influence well in her post on Friday, February 22, "Dear Joshua".  In this post, she shares the letter she wrote the night after Joshua passed away and the mission he completed in his short earthly life.  What a great tribute it was! On December 8, 2012, I took our little Joshua in my arms and gave him a blessing.  In the baby blessing, I blessed him that "he would serve a mission".  I had a strong feeling at the time that the 'mission' was not the typical Mormon mission.  After the blessing and knowing his condition, I always pondered what type of mission call he might have--would it be an unique mission on earth or on the other side of the veil?  What was it that the Lord had in plan for him?  All I knew was that the Spirit prompted me to say those words at that time.

While Joshua was in the hospital, I took Logan to our home ward in Spanish Fork.  In Sunday School, a sister in the ward shared an experience that a father and a mother once had:  They had a son on life support in the hospital.  They prayed to know God's will and whether to keep their son on life support.  Obviously, they wanted their son to live.  The answer from God came to them as the boy's father was giving him a blessing--if you desire him to stay a little longer on earth, then keep him on life support and he will survive; however, the boy has a special mission that he needs to complete on this side of the veil.  The parents decided to let their desires go and allow God to take their son from them to help Him accomplish His work.  This story impacted me hard.  I thought back to Joshua's blessing and felt a strong feeling that Joshua had a mission on the other side as well.  Whether it was fear of losing my son as well, I'm not sure.  However, the Spirit testified to me that Joshua had an important mission that he would complete.  I didn't know where or when.  Little did I know that Joshua was already half way through his short earthly mission.

There were several times throughout his short life that I thought about his blessing and the story from Sunday School.  I really didn't know how long our sweet Joshua would live.  I thought perhaps 2 years, one at the least.  The fear of losing my son and having to bury him pained me greatly.  Each time I thought about it, I would break down crying.  All that carried me on was Stephanie's support and knowing that God had a plan and that His will would determine how long we would be able to enjoy Joshua in our arms.

My fear of burying my son came true that Wednesday morning of February 13.  The pain was great and even more intense than when I had thought about it.  However, in the pain and anguish, there was an inner peace in my soul.  I let the Lord touch my heart and reflect on the great things Joshua did while he was here on earth.  He completed his earthly mission--to bring as many of God's children closer to Christ in the short period of time he was here on earth; which included his own father.  Although I miss him greatly, I am sure he has moved onto his other mission on the other side of the veil.  What he is doing right now, we don't know.  However, I know he has work to do and someday he will be able to tell us all about it.

On the way to the cemetery, our driver from the mortuary said, "I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but this week, there have been two other little children that have come into our mortuary.  I can't help but think that God must have a great work for all of them on the other side".  In our heart world, February was a difficult month--two of our ICU friends also lost their heart babies.  This makes me truly wonder the same thing as our driver:  Is the missionary work on the other side being strengthened just as it has been here on earth?  Someday we will be able to find that out.  Until then, we will always remember you Joshua and will try to keep your legacy alive!

 I wanted to share this beautiful imagery with all of you because I really fell like it represents how I feel.  Thank you to my new friend from the Intermountain Healing Hearts Angel Moms group for writing the ending of this story and helping us all put our feeling into words.

There is a story that circulates support groups and blogs of families and patients with heart defects. It tells of a beautiful day in Heaven when Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus “I don’t want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you”. He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that he is just going for a visit. He is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, “How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?” The angel smiles and says, “I guess that will work”. But the little angel is still a little scared. “Will I be okay with only half of my heart?” Jesus replies, “I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine.” Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan. He says “When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart. And when its time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves.” -Author Unknown
I wanted to finish this story for Joshua.

When he returned to Heaven, amid tears of joy and hugs in reunion, Jesus asked, “How was your turn on Earth?” The little angel replied, “It was beautiful- so many arms of warmth and love to hold me, smiles through teary eyes to greet me. A king couldn’t have asked for more!” Then tears appeared in Joshua’s eyes. “My sweet angel, what is wrong?” Jesus asked and pulled him close. ” I think when I left, I broke their hearts, ” he whispered.
“Quietly, Jesus reached in His pocket and pulled out the other half of Joshua’s heart. Tied to it with fine silvery threads were the pieces of hearts, of all those the little angel had touched in his brief life. Even as he looked the chain grew and grew.
” My dear little one,” Jesus said, “You did not break their hearts. You brought a piece of them back with you. And one day, they, like you, will return to me for the other piece of their hearts.”

Luke 12:34 -For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

I was blessed to have many people thinking about how I could keep Joshua with me at all times.  I had a lot of people give me a necklace that represented Joshua and I love every one of them!  I love that I will be able to wear one of them with every outfit!

These necklaces have become so important to me.  I feel like I can put one on and have a little piece of Joshua with me.  I also love that I have multiple!  Thank you to everyone who thought of this as a gift.  I LOVE them all!!

This one was give to us by some people at Tim's work.  I LOVE that it has both my boys on it.  I hope I will be able to add to this with more kids when the time is right.

This is one that we actually purchased.  There was a lady that worked with the mortuary that came and took Joshua's finger print after he passed away.  The large pendant has that finger print on it.  I love this because it is more subtle, but has a real personal touch to it.

This one was given to me by the Intermountain Healing Hearts Angle Moms group.  This is a group of moms that have lost children to congenital heart defects.  The heart has four little charms: 1) The red heart with the word "family" on it. 2) Little blue feet representing my little boy. 3) A little person with Joshua's birth stone and 4) The round charm with the words "Mommy's angel."  I plan to wear this one on special occasions -probably events associated with the heart mom group.

This one was made by a very dear friend of mine.  The main charm has Joshua's name engraved into it.  The three charms are 1)an engraved heart representing Joshua's heart defect, 2) Joshua's "angel wings" 3) A beautiful little gem to make it pretty.  I love that this was made for me by a dear friend and it goes perfectly with many of my outfits :)

Well, today is my first trial run being alone since Joshua passed.  My mom left this morning and Tim went to work for a few hours, leaving me home alone with Logan boy.  To be honest, I am doing a little better than I thought I would, but not great.  I find myself thinking way too much...too much about Joshua and what could have been. Today, I am really feeling the ache in my heart...which I have been able to handle pretty well until today.

We put up our family pictures yesterday.  I LOVE how it looks, but I couldn't help but think about how there won't be any more family pictures with our whole family...there will always be someone missing.  We printed some pictures out of Joshua to hang up on the wall as a little memory wall and I find myself looking at them A LOT.  I look at the picture and close my eyes and remember the moment that picture was taken.  I can close my eyes and see his expression and remember kissing his cheeks.  I hope those memories don't fade too quickly.

Our family picture wall put up yesterday.  I love being able to look up at my boys.

Thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law, we have this wonderful frame with the scripture we use to help us through all of Joshua's life (and even now).  I love that I can switch out the pictures every so often so we are looking at different ones all the time.

I am also having a hard time today because Tim and I didn't get any videos of Joshua.  Not really sure how that happened, but it is the one thing I regret.  Fortunately, my parents have one short video of him when he was first born, which is such a miracle.  I try hard not to dwell too much on what could have been with the videos.  It is just SO frustrating to not be able to do anything about it.  I have decided to start working on my book I want to make about Joshua and hopefully that will help me not be so frustrated.

Anyway, I am allowing myself to have a little bit of a hard time today...but I try hard not to stay in that too long.  The last thing I need is to spiral down into depression.  Everyone, just give your kids an extra hug and kiss today...and maybe shoot a quick video for me.