I was sitting at my kitchen table this morning with my toddler.  I had that weird sensation of having gone back in time...but there was another strange feeling as well.  Was our whole experience with Joshua just a dream? 

I think it is because Joshua really was only here for such a short amount of time.  The more time that passes since Joshua died, the more I realize how short a time he was here.  The amount of space in my memory bank that is required is so little...there was just not a lot of time to remember.  It really does have the same effect as remembering a dream.

Also, I think it goes back to how strange it was to go back to the life I was living before Joshua was born.  Nothing changed much (except me and Tim).  The people are the same, my house is the same, the neighborhood is the same, our errands are the same...there is just this dream-like experience of having a perfect spirit in our life for two months stuck in the middle of these two seemingly identical realities.

However, the more I think about it, I can remember things that you don't have in dreams: the touch of his cheeks, the feel of his breathing, the look in his eyes right before he smiled.  These were real and definitely NOT a dream. 


When I get in this state of mind, I find it very helpful to look at this picture.  I am so grateful for this moment caught on camera...a moment frozen in time.  I stare at it for a while and then close my eyes and remember it all.  I am looking into Joshua's eyes and gently stroking his cheeks.  I remember Logan running around and Tim trying to settle him.  I remember the photographer.  But really, it was all about me and Joshua.  I cling to this memory so tightly because it reminds me that it wasn't a dream.  Joshua was real and he is waiting for me and the rest of our family to join him on the other side...someday. 

Well, today is my first trial run being alone since Joshua passed.  My mom left this morning and Tim went to work for a few hours, leaving me home alone with Logan boy.  To be honest, I am doing a little better than I thought I would, but not great.  I find myself thinking way too much...too much about Joshua and what could have been. Today, I am really feeling the ache in my heart...which I have been able to handle pretty well until today.

We put up our family pictures yesterday.  I LOVE how it looks, but I couldn't help but think about how there won't be any more family pictures with our whole family...there will always be someone missing.  We printed some pictures out of Joshua to hang up on the wall as a little memory wall and I find myself looking at them A LOT.  I look at the picture and close my eyes and remember the moment that picture was taken.  I can close my eyes and see his expression and remember kissing his cheeks.  I hope those memories don't fade too quickly.

Our family picture wall put up yesterday.  I love being able to look up at my boys.

Thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law, we have this wonderful frame with the scripture we use to help us through all of Joshua's life (and even now).  I love that I can switch out the pictures every so often so we are looking at different ones all the time.

I am also having a hard time today because Tim and I didn't get any videos of Joshua.  Not really sure how that happened, but it is the one thing I regret.  Fortunately, my parents have one short video of him when he was first born, which is such a miracle.  I try hard not to dwell too much on what could have been with the videos.  It is just SO frustrating to not be able to do anything about it.  I have decided to start working on my book I want to make about Joshua and hopefully that will help me not be so frustrated.

Anyway, I am allowing myself to have a little bit of a hard time today...but I try hard not to stay in that too long.  The last thing I need is to spiral down into depression.  Everyone, just give your kids an extra hug and kiss today...and maybe shoot a quick video for me.