Thursday, August 13, 2015
30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
Wow...it has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I can honestly say that life moves forward with our new normal. Sometimes, when I think about it, it is absolutely crazy that my "life before Joshua" (as I like to call it) was just 2 1/2 years ago. In many ways, it seems like it was forever ago...it has been forever since I held him and it seems like so much has happened. But 2 1/2 years doesn't sound like a very long time when you say it! The way we experience time is a strange thing and something I continue to be baffled by. But, here we are! 2 1/2 years has come and gone!
Anyway, this past week, I had the marvelous opportunity to view a production of the show, "Savior of the World" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a glorious depiction of the events proceeding Christs birth and those that followed the Resurrection! I got to see this show the Christmas after Joshua passed away and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see it again so close to another milestone. You see, the truths described in the show are, in fact, the truths that give me hope: that our Savior was born, that He died, and that He rose again from the grave! That through Him, we can be together as a family forever! That because of Him, I will hold my baby again! Honestly, there is no better way to spend two hours of your time*!
This time seemed extra special to me because I met a new angel mom friend. My parents and a couple of my siblings were in the show, so I had the opportunity to meet more of the cast members. Turns out that the wonderful woman playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a new angel mom. She lost her sweet baby after he was born extremely early, right before the auditions for the show were to take place. When we met for the first time, all we did was give each other a hug and a bond was born. No words needed to be said....we were special to each other because we knew the pain. So, to hear her speak the truths in the show and to watch her hold that baby Jesus, it just made them all the more real and brought back very special feelings of my own.
A few parts in the show that were especially touchings:
1) The main song in the whole show has different verses for different scenes. During the scene of the tomb right after Christ is buried, the chorus sings these words:
2) After Christ is resurrected, He visits with some of the disciples on the road to Emmaus. After their experience, they are talking with each other about the joy they feel to have their Lord back with them again. One of them asks something along the lines of, "How could we have been so sad?" My thoughts with that line were that I can not wait to put the sadness behind me. There will be a time when I ask myself how I could have been so sad because the joy will be so great! It will be a glorious time.
3) Along those same lines, the women that loved Jesus are talking together after their own visit with the Savior. One says, "Our grief is gone!" Another responds with, "No, changed. Our grief has transformed into joy." You guys...when the Savior comes, our grief will transform into Joy! I know it will! What a blessed day it will be!
4) Finally, another theme that is presented throughout the show is the idea that the Lord has a plan for all of us. Every time something seems to be going wrong (like, having to move to Bethlehem, not being able to find a proper place to stay, or even having to tell her beloved Joseph that she is expecting), Mary says one phrase over and over again. It is "All flesh is in His hands." I loved this thought! The thought that our Heavenly Father is holding onto us, that He is helping us have the experiences we are suppose to have. Never would I have hoped or wished for Joshua to have passed away, but never would I give up the experience now that it has happened. Joshua brings me closer to God every day and the more I look to God and Christ, the more I realize that we are learning what we need to learn in order to become who we are meant to become. "All flesh is in His hands."
Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful messages in this show! But, needless to say, there is so much power that comes when truth is testified.
How grateful I am for this glorious gospel! What peace it brings to my soul to contemplate the great Plan of Salvation! No words can express how I feel about my Savior and what He has done for me and my entire family. I am working each day to live my life in accordance with His commandments because I love Him and want to live with Him someday. It is because of Him, I will have all my children around me someday.
Today, I will be taking some time to read some scriptures regarding the promises of the resurrection. I hope each of you will take a few minutes to read and ponder some of you favorite scriptures about the Savior in honor of my little Joshua. May you find peace and hope in those words like I do.
*For more information about the production of "Savior of the World", visit here.
**For more information about our Savior, Jesus Christ, visit here.
Anyway, this past week, I had the marvelous opportunity to view a production of the show, "Savior of the World" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a glorious depiction of the events proceeding Christs birth and those that followed the Resurrection! I got to see this show the Christmas after Joshua passed away and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see it again so close to another milestone. You see, the truths described in the show are, in fact, the truths that give me hope: that our Savior was born, that He died, and that He rose again from the grave! That through Him, we can be together as a family forever! That because of Him, I will hold my baby again! Honestly, there is no better way to spend two hours of your time*!
This time seemed extra special to me because I met a new angel mom friend. My parents and a couple of my siblings were in the show, so I had the opportunity to meet more of the cast members. Turns out that the wonderful woman playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a new angel mom. She lost her sweet baby after he was born extremely early, right before the auditions for the show were to take place. When we met for the first time, all we did was give each other a hug and a bond was born. No words needed to be said....we were special to each other because we knew the pain. So, to hear her speak the truths in the show and to watch her hold that baby Jesus, it just made them all the more real and brought back very special feelings of my own.
A few parts in the show that were especially touchings:
1) The main song in the whole show has different verses for different scenes. During the scene of the tomb right after Christ is buried, the chorus sings these words:
"Come Lord Jesus, Great Redeemer,
Light of Morning from the East!
We will be Thy children ever,
Dry our tears, all weeping cease!"
Oh, to know that our Savior truly has the power to dry our tears! Even after 2 1/2 years, the tears still come, but someday, we won't need to have tears, but we will have JOY!! Come, Lord Jesus!
2) After Christ is resurrected, He visits with some of the disciples on the road to Emmaus. After their experience, they are talking with each other about the joy they feel to have their Lord back with them again. One of them asks something along the lines of, "How could we have been so sad?" My thoughts with that line were that I can not wait to put the sadness behind me. There will be a time when I ask myself how I could have been so sad because the joy will be so great! It will be a glorious time.
3) Along those same lines, the women that loved Jesus are talking together after their own visit with the Savior. One says, "Our grief is gone!" Another responds with, "No, changed. Our grief has transformed into joy." You guys...when the Savior comes, our grief will transform into Joy! I know it will! What a blessed day it will be!
4) Finally, another theme that is presented throughout the show is the idea that the Lord has a plan for all of us. Every time something seems to be going wrong (like, having to move to Bethlehem, not being able to find a proper place to stay, or even having to tell her beloved Joseph that she is expecting), Mary says one phrase over and over again. It is "All flesh is in His hands." I loved this thought! The thought that our Heavenly Father is holding onto us, that He is helping us have the experiences we are suppose to have. Never would I have hoped or wished for Joshua to have passed away, but never would I give up the experience now that it has happened. Joshua brings me closer to God every day and the more I look to God and Christ, the more I realize that we are learning what we need to learn in order to become who we are meant to become. "All flesh is in His hands."
Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful messages in this show! But, needless to say, there is so much power that comes when truth is testified.
How grateful I am for this glorious gospel! What peace it brings to my soul to contemplate the great Plan of Salvation! No words can express how I feel about my Savior and what He has done for me and my entire family. I am working each day to live my life in accordance with His commandments because I love Him and want to live with Him someday. It is because of Him, I will have all my children around me someday.
Today, I will be taking some time to read some scriptures regarding the promises of the resurrection. I hope each of you will take a few minutes to read and ponder some of you favorite scriptures about the Savior in honor of my little Joshua. May you find peace and hope in those words like I do.
*For more information about the production of "Savior of the World", visit here.
**For more information about our Savior, Jesus Christ, visit here.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Our Rainbow Baby
Wow...I didn't realize how much time has passed since posting on this blog. I am beginning to understand the phrase that time can heal. Tonight, as I write, the ache of missing Joshua is close to the surface, but I am realizing that it is not nearly as debilitating as it used to be. I know that it is through my Savior's atonement that I can feel peace. I still think about Joshua everyday, but how wonderful to feel the Lord present as well.
I think part of the reason my heart has healed some is because of our sweet new addition to our family. I am pleased to introduce:
I think part of the reason my heart has healed some is because of our sweet new addition to our family. I am pleased to introduce:
Savannah Hope
Did you know that when a person has another child after losing one, that child is called a "Rainbow Baby"? This title makes reference to the beautiful rainbow that comes after the storm. The rainbow is a symbol of hope. For us, little Savannah is a reminder of our Savior's love for us and the "hope" of His gospel, especially after this raging storm we have been on. So, her middle name will always be a reminder to us of that...Hope in our Savior, Hope in his gospel, Hope in His plan, Hope that we will see Joshua again.
There have been times already that having little Savannah around has brought back some memories of Joshua. First, it is sometimes a little scary how much they look alike. Sometimes, especially when she is sleeping, I have done a double take thinking it was Joshua in the crib! Also, the more Savannah grows and develops, I can't help but think of all the stuff Joshua was never able to do because of his sickness. For example, Savannah was holding her head up so incredibly fast! She was starting to lift it before we even left the hospital!! Joshua was never strong enough to do that. I am so grateful that Savannah is healthy and strong.
I feel so blessed to be the mother of these three amazing children!
There have been times already that having little Savannah around has brought back some memories of Joshua. First, it is sometimes a little scary how much they look alike. Sometimes, especially when she is sleeping, I have done a double take thinking it was Joshua in the crib! Also, the more Savannah grows and develops, I can't help but think of all the stuff Joshua was never able to do because of his sickness. For example, Savannah was holding her head up so incredibly fast! She was starting to lift it before we even left the hospital!! Joshua was never strong enough to do that. I am so grateful that Savannah is healthy and strong.
I feel so blessed to be the mother of these three amazing children!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
She is coming, ready or not!
Baby #3 is going to be making her appearance very soon. I will be considered "full term" in just a few short days. Joshua was born at 37 1/2 weeks! Gosh, she could be here anytime, really.
The past few weeks have been a little crazy for me. We just passed the 11 month anniversary of Joshua's passing, which was a little more emotional than the last few have been. I think part of it is that I keep thinking about how this time last year, we were in the hospital with him. I keep thinking about how this time last year, we had him here and we had no idea just how little time we had left with him. I think January will aways have a soft place in my heart for that reason...such a difficult, but precious time we had with our boy on this earth.
Now, with all that in mind, I am trying to prepare myself to bring another child into the world. While all the tests and doctors continue to tell me that everything looks great, I can't help but feel anxiety. Honestly, even if this baby IS healthy, I am still nervous. It has been a long time since I have had a newborn that I didn't have a nurse or a bunch of doctors there to help me with. As I try to prepare for this baby, I feel like I am forgetting something. With my first, we were getting all the "big items"-you know, the crib, car seat, bouncer, rocker, stroller...the works. With Joshua, we were preparing significally for hospital life and life at home with a very sick kid. The truth is, there is not much more to do for this 3rd little one because we already have most of it other than clothes (which is definitely being taken care of). I just feel like I am forgetting something.
I keep wondering how I am going to handle all of this. Will some of the post-trumatic stress come back full force when I am, once again, responsible for a baby? How will I be able to let her sleep knowing it was when Joshua was sleeping that he slipped away? Will I be able to determine if something is wrong and be able to take the steps I need to make sure she is ok? I'm sure the mother instincts will kick in (as they always do), but I can't help but feel that this is going to be completely different than anything I have ever done before.
I am a different person than I was when either of my other children were born. It will be very interesting to see how I am able to do things with a new baby as the person I have become. I guess all I can do now is pray that The Lord will qualify me to do the work He has entrusted me. This baby girl is meant to be coming to our family at this time, that I know for a fact. Heavenly Father sent her long before I thought I was ready. He obviously thought we were, and I know if I lean on Him, He will give me the strength and ability to handle it.
Bring on this next great adventure....
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Another lesson on "time"
I have met a number of angel moms over the past year. Actually, many of them I already knew, but I see them in a much different light now. There is a very special, unexplainable bond between two moms who have both lost a child. We don't have to say a word to each other or even meet in person. We just get each other...we can love each other in a way that no one else can.
Many of these angel moms have gone a very long time without their child. 10 years, 20 years....some even 30 years since the passing of their children. Honestly, when I think that in 30 years that will be me saying that, I get tired. It just seems so long...so much time has to pass before I see my little boy again. Sometimes, I just take a deep breath and sigh...so much time.
But my perspective has changed a bit. My mother was talking with a good friend of hers who lost her daughter over 30 years ago. This wonderful woman is done raising the rest of her kids and is retired. She is at the end of her life, not really expecting to die any time soon, but knowing that it is coming sooner rather than later. It was interesting to hear her perspective. When she thinks about seeing her daughter again, she gets an excited jump in her heart thinking about it. She described it as the feeling you get when you are anticipating a trip to Europe that you have been planning for years and it is now only a year away. There is light at the end of this tunnel and she can see that light much more clearly than she has before.
Oh, time can seem like such a burden. Sometimes, it can seem like it is working against you. But, when I heard about this woman's perspective, I couldn't help but get excited. She has lived a very full life with so much for her to be proud of, and the Lord to be proud of. Now, as she waits the last little bit of time before seeing her daughter again, she can do so with excited anticipation, knowing that she will indeed see her soon.
I want to spend my 20, 30, 40 years (however long the Lord needs) living my life so I can feel that same anticipation. While it is still overwhelming to think of that much time needing to pass, I know that it is time I am suppose to have. Time that I can use to do a lot of good in the world. Time that the Lord has given me that I need to take advantage of. I hope the Lord can help me know how best to use my time...and that I will be worthy to live with all my family, including Joshua, someday.
Many of these angel moms have gone a very long time without their child. 10 years, 20 years....some even 30 years since the passing of their children. Honestly, when I think that in 30 years that will be me saying that, I get tired. It just seems so long...so much time has to pass before I see my little boy again. Sometimes, I just take a deep breath and sigh...so much time.
But my perspective has changed a bit. My mother was talking with a good friend of hers who lost her daughter over 30 years ago. This wonderful woman is done raising the rest of her kids and is retired. She is at the end of her life, not really expecting to die any time soon, but knowing that it is coming sooner rather than later. It was interesting to hear her perspective. When she thinks about seeing her daughter again, she gets an excited jump in her heart thinking about it. She described it as the feeling you get when you are anticipating a trip to Europe that you have been planning for years and it is now only a year away. There is light at the end of this tunnel and she can see that light much more clearly than she has before.
Oh, time can seem like such a burden. Sometimes, it can seem like it is working against you. But, when I heard about this woman's perspective, I couldn't help but get excited. She has lived a very full life with so much for her to be proud of, and the Lord to be proud of. Now, as she waits the last little bit of time before seeing her daughter again, she can do so with excited anticipation, knowing that she will indeed see her soon.
I want to spend my 20, 30, 40 years (however long the Lord needs) living my life so I can feel that same anticipation. While it is still overwhelming to think of that much time needing to pass, I know that it is time I am suppose to have. Time that I can use to do a lot of good in the world. Time that the Lord has given me that I need to take advantage of. I hope the Lord can help me know how best to use my time...and that I will be worthy to live with all my family, including Joshua, someday.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Promised Savior, Promised King
I know I have lots to write up from the past month. Joshua turned one year old two weeks ago. We passed the 10 month mark of his passing. We have begun the time of year that we remember having him here. The Christmas celebrations have begun. Yes...lots of things to write about.
Today, however, I wanted to account my experience from church today. I have had the pleasure of being the director of our church choir and today was our Christmas program. We only sang one song as a choir and it is a song that we picked out 2 months ago. Today, during the performance, did I really start to understand the words and they sunk in.
The song in "Promise Savior, Promised King" by Sally Deford. The first two verses remind us of the many prophecies of the coming of the Savior and set the stage of the Christmas scene.
Promised Savior, promised King,
Come down to earth from heaven
Child of whom the angels sing
Their song of adoration
Behold the star above Him rise,
‘Tis heaven’s brightest gem
A beacon to our longing eyes
When the light of day grows dim
Shepherds watching in the fields,
Now hasten to the stable
There to honor Him, there to kneel
And worship at His cradle
While in the east the wise men greet
The light that o’er them shines
And goes before to guide their feet
As they seek the Child divine
With the beautiful scene set in our minds, the poem continues to explain the very impact of the message...what this humble birth really means to our life:
The Holy Infant long foretold,
In lowly manger sleeping
Is comfort to the sorrowing soul,
He is solace to the weeping
He is hope, He is love sent from afar,
God’s Lamb and offering
He is Lord, He is sovereign of my heart
Promised Savior, promised King
I think Christmas will always be a time when my grief is a little closer to the surface. It is a time when family gathers...and I will always have in the back of my mind that my whole family is not together right now. Oh, but how blessed I am to know that the Promised Savior has come. His birth, His life, His death, and His resurrection truly does bring solace to the weeping and comfort to a sorrowing soul.
How blessed I am to know that He is Lord and sovereign of my heart. During this tender time of year, this is the message I want to remember and hold close. I will see my little Joshua boy again...and it is all because a little baby was born many years ago in Bethlehem. The promised Savior has come and He will come again.
Listen to this beautiful song here.
Today, however, I wanted to account my experience from church today. I have had the pleasure of being the director of our church choir and today was our Christmas program. We only sang one song as a choir and it is a song that we picked out 2 months ago. Today, during the performance, did I really start to understand the words and they sunk in.
The song in "Promise Savior, Promised King" by Sally Deford. The first two verses remind us of the many prophecies of the coming of the Savior and set the stage of the Christmas scene.
Promised Savior, promised King,
Come down to earth from heaven
Child of whom the angels sing
Their song of adoration
Behold the star above Him rise,
‘Tis heaven’s brightest gem
A beacon to our longing eyes
When the light of day grows dim
Shepherds watching in the fields,
Now hasten to the stable
There to honor Him, there to kneel
And worship at His cradle
While in the east the wise men greet
The light that o’er them shines
And goes before to guide their feet
As they seek the Child divine
With the beautiful scene set in our minds, the poem continues to explain the very impact of the message...what this humble birth really means to our life:
The Holy Infant long foretold,
In lowly manger sleeping
Is comfort to the sorrowing soul,
He is solace to the weeping
He is hope, He is love sent from afar,
God’s Lamb and offering
He is Lord, He is sovereign of my heart
Promised Savior, promised King
I think Christmas will always be a time when my grief is a little closer to the surface. It is a time when family gathers...and I will always have in the back of my mind that my whole family is not together right now. Oh, but how blessed I am to know that the Promised Savior has come. His birth, His life, His death, and His resurrection truly does bring solace to the weeping and comfort to a sorrowing soul.
How blessed I am to know that He is Lord and sovereign of my heart. During this tender time of year, this is the message I want to remember and hold close. I will see my little Joshua boy again...and it is all because a little baby was born many years ago in Bethlehem. The promised Savior has come and He will come again.
Listen to this beautiful song here.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
More members of this group...
Man...another family lost a heart baby this week. This time, it was actually someone I knew before. The night this little baby passed away, I couldn't help but think of those dear parents...trying so hard to comprehend what had just happened, but unable to. Trying to sleep, but being woken up by dreams of those final moments. Feeling the weight on their chest from the grief...the tangible, cut-it-with a knife grief. (*sigh*). It was heartbreaking for me to think of another week couple having to go through that.
It is strange how quickly you can feel connected to a person. This mother is someone I have only officially met once in my life. She has followed my journey off loss and we have stayed loosely in touch through social media. However, this week, we have become more than that. Our mortal experiences have linked us together eternally. Loosing a child is one if those experiences that no one can really understand unless you have been through it. Once it happens to you, you are forever a member of a group you never really understood. A group that really gets it. Really, all I really want to do is give her a big hug.
Chances are, there is a family in the world going through this type of heart ache and you probably don't even know it. Just say a little extra prayer for those who are suffering tonight. Say a prayer that they will feel some sort of peace, even if it is just a hint of it right now. The truth is, there is no point praying for the pain to go away...grief is a testimony of the love that mother has for her lost child...and you just can't take that away. What you can pray for is that they feel the peace the atonement of Jesus Christ can bring. Among the pain of grief, there will be an undertone of peace in knowing God loves them and their family. Pray for that peace for them.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween, little Joshua
Dear Joshua-
Happy Halloween, sweet boy. I wanted to let you know today that I am thinking a lot about you. I was at the store yesterday and saw so many costumes that I know would have looked so darling on you. I wondered what we would have dressed you up as...maybe a monster or super hero. Maybe we would have coordinated your costume with your older brother. Whatever we would have done, it would have been so much fun to dress you up.
Last night, our family went to our ward Halloween party. As I laid in bed that night, I wondered if you would have been able to go with us or not. Cold and flu season is hitting full force and we always had to be so careful when it came to germs. I realized that now, you can come to those events with us without concern. I know you were there celebrating with us, even if we couldn't see you.
Joshua, we are coming up on the season of the year that I remember having you with me. You were born at the beginning of December, but November was the month we were anticipating your birth. I feel like a lot of grieving feelings are starting to resurface a little bit. I am missing you. I so wish that I could actually dress you up instead of just dream of it. I so wish I could hear all the comments from people about how cute you look in your costume. I wish we could take you trick or treating, even if it was only a few houses. I wish you were going to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wish I didn't have to wish all these things.
Yes, I am taking a few minutes to be selfish today. I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering. I know that the Lord has so much in store for you. You have a mission, Joshua. That mission is what keeps me from being mad or extremely upset on most days. However, today, I wish I could just give you one more hug and kiss and then send you on your way.
Joshua, please be with me today. Let me know that you are ok and help me feel your presence. You are always in my thoughts and I love you for eternity.
Your mother
Happy Halloween, sweet boy. I wanted to let you know today that I am thinking a lot about you. I was at the store yesterday and saw so many costumes that I know would have looked so darling on you. I wondered what we would have dressed you up as...maybe a monster or super hero. Maybe we would have coordinated your costume with your older brother. Whatever we would have done, it would have been so much fun to dress you up.
Last night, our family went to our ward Halloween party. As I laid in bed that night, I wondered if you would have been able to go with us or not. Cold and flu season is hitting full force and we always had to be so careful when it came to germs. I realized that now, you can come to those events with us without concern. I know you were there celebrating with us, even if we couldn't see you.
Joshua, we are coming up on the season of the year that I remember having you with me. You were born at the beginning of December, but November was the month we were anticipating your birth. I feel like a lot of grieving feelings are starting to resurface a little bit. I am missing you. I so wish that I could actually dress you up instead of just dream of it. I so wish I could hear all the comments from people about how cute you look in your costume. I wish we could take you trick or treating, even if it was only a few houses. I wish you were going to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wish I didn't have to wish all these things.
Yes, I am taking a few minutes to be selfish today. I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering. I know that the Lord has so much in store for you. You have a mission, Joshua. That mission is what keeps me from being mad or extremely upset on most days. However, today, I wish I could just give you one more hug and kiss and then send you on your way.
Joshua, please be with me today. Let me know that you are ok and help me feel your presence. You are always in my thoughts and I love you for eternity.
Your mother
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The ultrasound results!
Wow...what a difference 24 hours can make. I woke up this morning after a very rough night. I could not stop thinking about the ultrasound just hours away and my mind would not turn off. I couldn't help but think that this was the day that we would find out so much more about what type of journey this little baby would bring...
I woke up and the first thing I did was check my e-mail and check my facebook page. One of my friends on facebook posted a quote from the famous musical, The Sound of Music. "What will this day be like, I wonder? What will my future be, I wonder?"
As Maria's voice sang those words in my head, I couldn't help but think it was the perfect theme song for my day. The results of the ultrasound would be the answer to those rather deep questions. The future of my family would be determined today...
So, we got in the car and started driving, really not understanding all the tender mercies the Lord had for us. First, we were able to have it be scheduled first thing in the morning. We were almost late and it really didn't give us much time to think too much about it. Another tender mercy: They had completely remodeled the office. This was the office that I had come for some my appointments for Joshua, every week for the last month or so of that pregnancy. I was nervous to be going into those doors again, but it looked different, so that made it a little bit easier. Finally, we got one of the doctors and nurses that we saw with Joshua. It was a group of people that understand what it must be like to be going through a pregnancy after an experience like we had with Joshua. They were all amazing.
Sooner than I was really ready for, the ultrasound tech was in the room and we were looking at our baby. The tech could not really tell us anything as she went through each part of the body...starting with the brain, going down the spine, measuring bones, and finally, landing on the heart. I knew right away that the heart looked WAY different than Joshua's...we had seen his broken heart so many times that the picture is permanently on my memory. This heart looked like the ones I had seen in my PDBio textbook...the way it is suppose to look. While the tech did not tell us any specifics, I knew right away that if this baby had any defects with the heart, they would be minor compared to Joshua's.
However, the tension in the room was still very tangible. There were just too many things that could be wrong that we would not recognize. So, we sat alone after the tech left and waited for the fateful words of the doctors. She walked in and recognized us...first thing she did was ask about Joshua. I should have seen that coming (how in the world would they know, since we didn't tell them and they are not connected with Primary's?). After telling her the sad news, she became much more understanding as to why we were there. After expressing some heart felt condolences, she said, "so, this is a little bit of a stressful day for you." Yep...she got that right.
So, she pulled up the pictures and started going though each part...brain, perfect. Bones, perfect. Growth, perfect. Stomach, perfect. Fluid levels, perfect. Now, the heart...EVERYTHING looked perfect. Her exact words, "There is nothing here that would warn me that there is anything to worry about." When she finished, I don't think the words had really sunk in to either Tim or I. She looked at us and said, "You guys still look very concerned." I realized that every muscle in my body was still tense. We were both waiting for her to give the bad news...the "but I do see this..." phrase. However, it didn't come. All the news had been given, and all of it was good.
I started to cry after the doctor left...I just couldn't believe it. I had convinced myself that something would be wrong. Now, I had to completely change everything I had thought. I was beyond relieved. I don't think I really understood how stressed I had been about this baby until the weight was off my shoulder. I felt like I could skip and jump so high! This baby was healthy...and that was more than I could comprehend. Honestly, it took me a good 24 hours to really get it.
Then, I had one more thing to take in...not only was this little baby healthy, but I now had to prepare to have my first GIRL! Now, I remember having a prayer with Heavenly Father about the gender of this baby. I said, "Father, you obviously think our family is ready for another baby, even though I am not sure we are. However, I know I am not ready for another boy. I just want to start over with the clothes. Please, if you could, let me have a girl this time. Please, let me heal from loosing Joshua just a little longer before we bring another baby boy to this family." So, when they said this baby was a girl, I knew that the Lord had answered my prayers. I was so grateful that He allowed this tender mercy in my life. I couldn't be more thrilled to go buy pink...and to let the blue stay in my heart for just a little longer.
Next step? If we feel it necessary, we will have a fetal echo done in a few weeks, just to double check everything. We could also have another ultrasound between 32-34 weeks to check for some other rare defects. But for now? I am just enjoying the fact that everything looked great for now...and saying lots of prayers of thanks.
I woke up and the first thing I did was check my e-mail and check my facebook page. One of my friends on facebook posted a quote from the famous musical, The Sound of Music. "What will this day be like, I wonder? What will my future be, I wonder?"
So, we got in the car and started driving, really not understanding all the tender mercies the Lord had for us. First, we were able to have it be scheduled first thing in the morning. We were almost late and it really didn't give us much time to think too much about it. Another tender mercy: They had completely remodeled the office. This was the office that I had come for some my appointments for Joshua, every week for the last month or so of that pregnancy. I was nervous to be going into those doors again, but it looked different, so that made it a little bit easier. Finally, we got one of the doctors and nurses that we saw with Joshua. It was a group of people that understand what it must be like to be going through a pregnancy after an experience like we had with Joshua. They were all amazing.
Sooner than I was really ready for, the ultrasound tech was in the room and we were looking at our baby. The tech could not really tell us anything as she went through each part of the body...starting with the brain, going down the spine, measuring bones, and finally, landing on the heart. I knew right away that the heart looked WAY different than Joshua's...we had seen his broken heart so many times that the picture is permanently on my memory. This heart looked like the ones I had seen in my PDBio textbook...the way it is suppose to look. While the tech did not tell us any specifics, I knew right away that if this baby had any defects with the heart, they would be minor compared to Joshua's.
However, the tension in the room was still very tangible. There were just too many things that could be wrong that we would not recognize. So, we sat alone after the tech left and waited for the fateful words of the doctors. She walked in and recognized us...first thing she did was ask about Joshua. I should have seen that coming (how in the world would they know, since we didn't tell them and they are not connected with Primary's?). After telling her the sad news, she became much more understanding as to why we were there. After expressing some heart felt condolences, she said, "so, this is a little bit of a stressful day for you." Yep...she got that right.
So, she pulled up the pictures and started going though each part...brain, perfect. Bones, perfect. Growth, perfect. Stomach, perfect. Fluid levels, perfect. Now, the heart...EVERYTHING looked perfect. Her exact words, "There is nothing here that would warn me that there is anything to worry about." When she finished, I don't think the words had really sunk in to either Tim or I. She looked at us and said, "You guys still look very concerned." I realized that every muscle in my body was still tense. We were both waiting for her to give the bad news...the "but I do see this..." phrase. However, it didn't come. All the news had been given, and all of it was good.
I started to cry after the doctor left...I just couldn't believe it. I had convinced myself that something would be wrong. Now, I had to completely change everything I had thought. I was beyond relieved. I don't think I really understood how stressed I had been about this baby until the weight was off my shoulder. I felt like I could skip and jump so high! This baby was healthy...and that was more than I could comprehend. Honestly, it took me a good 24 hours to really get it.
Then, I had one more thing to take in...not only was this little baby healthy, but I now had to prepare to have my first GIRL! Now, I remember having a prayer with Heavenly Father about the gender of this baby. I said, "Father, you obviously think our family is ready for another baby, even though I am not sure we are. However, I know I am not ready for another boy. I just want to start over with the clothes. Please, if you could, let me have a girl this time. Please, let me heal from loosing Joshua just a little longer before we bring another baby boy to this family." So, when they said this baby was a girl, I knew that the Lord had answered my prayers. I was so grateful that He allowed this tender mercy in my life. I couldn't be more thrilled to go buy pink...and to let the blue stay in my heart for just a little longer.
Next step? If we feel it necessary, we will have a fetal echo done in a few weeks, just to double check everything. We could also have another ultrasound between 32-34 weeks to check for some other rare defects. But for now? I am just enjoying the fact that everything looked great for now...and saying lots of prayers of thanks.
Monday, September 23, 2013
The distractions are gone...
I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do! A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time. Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me). Everyone went back to their everyday life. The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder. Especially at night.
Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight. The ultrasound is tomorrow. I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come. Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone. Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.
It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly. There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over. What is done is done. This baby is already developed. But try telling that to my subconscious. Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest. Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms. Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming. I am nervous and my whole body knows it. Gosh, I just want this to be over.
This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua. I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one. Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves. Why? Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain! Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them? No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.
*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head. Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow. But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...
Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight. The ultrasound is tomorrow. I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come. Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone. Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.
It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly. There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over. What is done is done. This baby is already developed. But try telling that to my subconscious. Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest. Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms. Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming. I am nervous and my whole body knows it. Gosh, I just want this to be over.
This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua. I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one. Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves. Why? Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain! Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them? No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.
*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head. Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow. But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Can't think that far ahead....
People keep asking me about our plans once this baby arrives. Where is the baby going to sleep? How do you think Logan will handle this next baby? You know...the "thinking about the future" questions. Honestly, the answer I always have to give is, "I haven't even thought about it..."
You see, my brain can not even begin to process the fact that I will be giving birth to this baby in just a few short months. The truth is, I have a really hard time comprehending Thanksgiving and Christmas plans being pregnant. The only thing I can think about is the ultrasound...that is the next milestone that I have to get through...and that is all I can handle right now.
The ultrasound...it is this week. This week, we will be able to understand more of what our journey will be with this baby. Will it be a "normal" baby experience, or something different?
It is true, I hope with all of my heart that this baby is healthy. I hope that this child does not have to suffer like Joshua did...and that I don't have to watch that suffering again. I hope so desperately that we will be able to bring this baby home and go through that transition in our family of adding a new member...a transition that shouldn't require home health teaching is how to use equipment.
However, with all those hopes and desires, the truth is, I am just ready to know. Even if this baby has health problems, lets start the planning session on what we are going to do about it! Lets make sure we are connected with the right people and doctors.
Because, you know what, even with all we had to go through with Joshua, there is nothing anyone could say to convince me that it was not worth it. He is one of the greatest blessings in my life, even now that he is gone. And, you know what? This next baby will be, too. Everything this baby brings with him/her will be a blessing. I would go through all of it with Joshua again just to make sure I knew he would always be a part of my family. Every child is special and a miracle...and this next one will be, too.
So, lets do this stupid ultrasound. Lets get past this debilitating milestone and move on. I hope I will be able to do it all...but I know, with the Lords help, anything is possible. Maybe I can start planning Thanksgiving and Christmas...
Sunday, September 15, 2013
IHH Annual Fun Walk and other thoughts
This week marked 7 months since little Joshua passed. As people have realized this, many have expressed how quickly the time has passed and how it seems like just yesterday. For me, however, it has been an eternity and I can't believe we are not marking years yet...
I was warned a few months ago by a professional that many families find that their grief returns pretty harshly around 6 months. So, I had prepared myself last month for a difficult time. However, it was really not that bad. I was able to get through the day/week pretty well! I boasted to myself that I must be doing pretty well...excited that I was able to make it through a time pretty easily that many others struggle with.
However, I have been humbled. My difficult time did not come at 6, but 7 months. Really, it has been ever since we scheduled the ultrasound for my pregnancy have many of the emotions of not have Joshua here have come very close to the surface. Maybe it is because I am pregnant and already extra emotional. Maybe it is my subconscious struggling with the idea of moving on to the next chapter of our life. Maybe everyone goes through a harder time "around" 6 months because their subconscious is trying to move on and just can't yet. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been hard and I have just wanted to give my boy one more kiss and hold him close one more time.
So, with this little background, I began to prepare for the Intermountain Healing Hearts Annual Walk for Healing Hearts. It is IHH's annual fundraiser and they honor all heart heros, including all the angels. Every angel family prepares a poster to display for everyone to get to know them and they even do a beautiful butterfly release for them. It was perfect timing for me to have something to look forward to, something that would honor sweet Joshua and let him know that even though life is moving forward, we will never forget him.
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I was warned a few months ago by a professional that many families find that their grief returns pretty harshly around 6 months. So, I had prepared myself last month for a difficult time. However, it was really not that bad. I was able to get through the day/week pretty well! I boasted to myself that I must be doing pretty well...excited that I was able to make it through a time pretty easily that many others struggle with.
However, I have been humbled. My difficult time did not come at 6, but 7 months. Really, it has been ever since we scheduled the ultrasound for my pregnancy have many of the emotions of not have Joshua here have come very close to the surface. Maybe it is because I am pregnant and already extra emotional. Maybe it is my subconscious struggling with the idea of moving on to the next chapter of our life. Maybe everyone goes through a harder time "around" 6 months because their subconscious is trying to move on and just can't yet. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been hard and I have just wanted to give my boy one more kiss and hold him close one more time.
So, with this little background, I began to prepare for the Intermountain Healing Hearts Annual Walk for Healing Hearts. It is IHH's annual fundraiser and they honor all heart heros, including all the angels. Every angel family prepares a poster to display for everyone to get to know them and they even do a beautiful butterfly release for them. It was perfect timing for me to have something to look forward to, something that would honor sweet Joshua and let him know that even though life is moving forward, we will never forget him.
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Being all together as a family was awesome!
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Our poster that we displayed.
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I absolutely LOVED the butterfly release. The butterflies actually lingered for a long time after they were released and some people even got to hold them! Since butterflies are such a special thing for me now, I thought it was especially appropriate to use butterflies to honor my little man.
Friday, September 6, 2013
The ultrasound in scheduled...
I didn't know what to expect once we had the date set...maybe I just thought I would continue to ignore the fact that this pregnancy got closer and closer to the half way mark and the infamous 20 week ultrasounds scan. However, at my last appointment with my OB, we set the date and all of the sudden, everything became very, very real.
I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks. I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day! There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet. However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all. Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there. Yes, that was a hard day.
I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year! For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away. For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.
Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean. I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl. Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment. The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"
Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race. It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news.
Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get. There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do? I keep busy and try not to think about it. What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now? What is the point of stressing over something I can't change? No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible. It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.
Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans. This is the right course we are suppose to be on. I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey. Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...
I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks. I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day! There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet. However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all. Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there. Yes, that was a hard day.
I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year! For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away. For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.
Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean. I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl. Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment. The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"
Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race. It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news.
Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get. There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do? I keep busy and try not to think about it. What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now? What is the point of stressing over something I can't change? No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible. It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.
Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans. This is the right course we are suppose to be on. I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey. Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Baby #3 is Coming Soon
The news is finally public. We are expecting Baby Ipson #3 to make his/her appearance sometime around February 10, 2014. Right now, I am almost 15 weeks along.
For many obvious reasons, you can imagine my emotions over the past few months have been all over the place. Of course I am excited, but there is a lot of anxiety over what is to come. That 20 week ultrasound looms in the future and just makes my stomach feel like it is in knots. My brain goes crazy knowing that there are some families who have had multiple children with heart defects in the world, even though the doctors keep telling me the statistics are small for it to happen again. Every child changes families...even healthy ones...but now I know just how drastic a change can happen...and change is just a little scary to me right now.
To be honest, the day I took the pregnancy test, I was pretty emotional. I knew in my head that we would be having more children, but I just don't think my heart was quite ready to accept it. I was just getting settled into this new normal and now everything was going to mix up again. Then, I got onto the computer and calculated when my due date would be...February 10...just 3 days shy of Joshua's 1 year anniversary of his angel day. How on earth would my heart be able to handle all the emotions of that week and handle the emotions of bringing a new baby into the world?
On top of all of the emotions, morning sickness and exhaustion took over my physical health. This has definitely been the hardest 1st trimester of all three pregnancies I have had. I think part of it is because I have been through an emotional roller coaster the past year, plus this is two years in a row that I have now been pregnant. Physically, this has been a really difficult one. Needless to say, it has been hard to feel the excitement when all these other things are taking over.
However, as time continued forward, I have gotten more used to the idea. Actually, my heart really can't wait to meet this little baby. I find myself wondering about the delivery day...mostly about the first time I hold him/her. I honestly can't wait for that moment. Also, the more that I have pondered it, the more I realize how important my children are to me. My family brings me so much joy. I just think about how vital my little Logan boy has been for helping my heart heal. I can only imagine that my future children will help that even more, even though there will always be a place in my heart waiting to see Joshua again. Yes, the Lord knew what He was doing when He sent this new little spirit to us. I know that this baby will bring so much joy and happiness. I know that our lives will change, but no matter what that change is, the Lord will be able to pour His blessings on our family through those changes.
So, our journey of life moves forward. Even though it is MUCH sooner than I had planned in my head, I know that the Lord is in charge. The Lord has been with us 100% of the time through everything so far and I know He will continue to be with us as we move forward to this next chapter.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Another Sleepless Night
I got very little sleep last night. I had a nightmare and woke up at about 2am and could not get back to sleep. Finally, around 6am, my body crashed, only to be woken up an hour later by a very excited toddler who was ready to play. Needless to say, it has been a long day.
Last night reminded me of the many sleepless nights I had during the first few months after Joshua passed away. I sat down many times to blog about them, but they were very hard to write about. They were some of the darkest times of this whole experience and I just did not want to rehash it all. I finally had been able to get it all out one day a few months ago, but I was still afraid to share it. I feel better now about it and I want others to know that this could be something they experience after loosing a loved one. It is normal to have a hard time at night.
Post written almost two months after Joshua past away:
I have talked to a few moms now who have lost children and I have noticed one common thread in all our grieving journeys...there is always at least one (if not more) things that we don't want to share with others or that takes a long time to feel like we can. For some, it is memories. For others, precious pictures. For me...I have been afraid to talk about some of the things that I face at night.
I'm not really sure why I haven't been able to post about this...I haven't really had problems posting anything else. But, honestly, I have begun probably 3-4 different posts over the past 7 weeks and just couldn't bring myself to type the words. Maybe part of me worried that it would get worse when I typed them...maybe I didn't want people to feel sorry for me...maybe I just didn't want to go over it all again during the day knowing I would likely have to face these images and feelings once the sun went down.
Now, the nights are getting a little easier, so I am trying again. For me, nights have been the hardest. It is the time when the world goes to sleep and I am left with my thoughts. There are two main things that make the nights difficult-
1) Reliving the morning he passed away: These images still haunt me every once in a while. It is the closest thing I can imagine having PTSD. The images of that stressful morning would literally haunt my mind. All the adrenaline would start pumping through my body, I would see Tim doing CPR, I would relive running through the halls of the ER and turning the corner into the room and see Joshua's lifeless body on the table. Seeing his face-it looked the same as it did when he first came of out surgery...but this time, there were no machines or medicines keeping him alive. I would find myself awake at 4am, realizing it was the time it all started, and my body would start to shake. There were some nights I couldn't keep my hands from shaking...let alone close my eyes and rest.
There has only been one thing that seemed to have helped these nightmares. Some may find it strange...actually, I still do a little. I have to sleep with the blanket he passed away in. I know...it sounds crazy...but it was the last place his spirit was and I feel his calming touch when I hold it. I can hold it and remember the wonderful times of holding him...the happy, wonderful memories fill my mind and I can settle down.
2) Worrying something else bad might happen. Before Joshua passed away, I would find peace in the idea that "oh, those bad things won't happen to us." You know, the things we all worry about-house fires, break ins-but worst of all that something would happen to my other child. However, once something bad happen to me, I realized I am not immune to bad things. I have found myself checking the fire alarms at 3am because I can't shake the feeling that there is going to be a fire and we aren't going to wake up. I would get up 3-4 different times to check that the door and windows are locked. I have checked on Logan more times in the past 7 weeks than I think I have in his whole life. I have even broken my own rule and let him sleep with us multiple nights simply because I can't settle knowing something could happen to him in the other room and we wouldn't know about it.
So, now it is all out in the open. I can honestly say that these night really don't happen any more. I have figured out some ways to get the thoughts out of my head from that awful morning. I still use the blanket, but I also read my scripture and also close my eyes and see his beautiful eyes and imagine kissing his soft cheeks. Sometimes I even pull out some pictures of him and me so I can have those memories in the front of my mind instead of the ones I want to forget.
As for the fear of something bad happening, all I can do is make sure I am prepared. I have put new batteries in the fire alarms. I lock all the windows and doors at night. I check on Logan right before I go to sleep and give him lots of kisses. But mostly, I pray a lot. I know that as long as the Lord is with me, we can handle anything much easier.
Last night reminded me of the many sleepless nights I had during the first few months after Joshua passed away. I sat down many times to blog about them, but they were very hard to write about. They were some of the darkest times of this whole experience and I just did not want to rehash it all. I finally had been able to get it all out one day a few months ago, but I was still afraid to share it. I feel better now about it and I want others to know that this could be something they experience after loosing a loved one. It is normal to have a hard time at night.
Post written almost two months after Joshua past away:
I have talked to a few moms now who have lost children and I have noticed one common thread in all our grieving journeys...there is always at least one (if not more) things that we don't want to share with others or that takes a long time to feel like we can. For some, it is memories. For others, precious pictures. For me...I have been afraid to talk about some of the things that I face at night.
I'm not really sure why I haven't been able to post about this...I haven't really had problems posting anything else. But, honestly, I have begun probably 3-4 different posts over the past 7 weeks and just couldn't bring myself to type the words. Maybe part of me worried that it would get worse when I typed them...maybe I didn't want people to feel sorry for me...maybe I just didn't want to go over it all again during the day knowing I would likely have to face these images and feelings once the sun went down.
Now, the nights are getting a little easier, so I am trying again. For me, nights have been the hardest. It is the time when the world goes to sleep and I am left with my thoughts. There are two main things that make the nights difficult-
1) Reliving the morning he passed away: These images still haunt me every once in a while. It is the closest thing I can imagine having PTSD. The images of that stressful morning would literally haunt my mind. All the adrenaline would start pumping through my body, I would see Tim doing CPR, I would relive running through the halls of the ER and turning the corner into the room and see Joshua's lifeless body on the table. Seeing his face-it looked the same as it did when he first came of out surgery...but this time, there were no machines or medicines keeping him alive. I would find myself awake at 4am, realizing it was the time it all started, and my body would start to shake. There were some nights I couldn't keep my hands from shaking...let alone close my eyes and rest.
There has only been one thing that seemed to have helped these nightmares. Some may find it strange...actually, I still do a little. I have to sleep with the blanket he passed away in. I know...it sounds crazy...but it was the last place his spirit was and I feel his calming touch when I hold it. I can hold it and remember the wonderful times of holding him...the happy, wonderful memories fill my mind and I can settle down.
2) Worrying something else bad might happen. Before Joshua passed away, I would find peace in the idea that "oh, those bad things won't happen to us." You know, the things we all worry about-house fires, break ins-but worst of all that something would happen to my other child. However, once something bad happen to me, I realized I am not immune to bad things. I have found myself checking the fire alarms at 3am because I can't shake the feeling that there is going to be a fire and we aren't going to wake up. I would get up 3-4 different times to check that the door and windows are locked. I have checked on Logan more times in the past 7 weeks than I think I have in his whole life. I have even broken my own rule and let him sleep with us multiple nights simply because I can't settle knowing something could happen to him in the other room and we wouldn't know about it.
So, now it is all out in the open. I can honestly say that these night really don't happen any more. I have figured out some ways to get the thoughts out of my head from that awful morning. I still use the blanket, but I also read my scripture and also close my eyes and see his beautiful eyes and imagine kissing his soft cheeks. Sometimes I even pull out some pictures of him and me so I can have those memories in the front of my mind instead of the ones I want to forget.
As for the fear of something bad happening, all I can do is make sure I am prepared. I have put new batteries in the fire alarms. I lock all the windows and doors at night. I check on Logan right before I go to sleep and give him lots of kisses. But mostly, I pray a lot. I know that as long as the Lord is with me, we can handle anything much easier.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Beautiful Heartbreak
This past Sunday, we had two lessons at church that discussed "trials" and "heartaches" in life. We talked about Joseph Smith and some of the most difficult times in his life. We talked about how it is through these hard times that we become the people we are meant to become in the eyes of God.
I have, for obvious reasons, thought a lot about these very topics over the past year. (in fact...it was one year ago last week that we had our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and found out about his heart conditions) I really do feel like there have been a lot of blessings that have come into our life because of our experience with Joshua, especially our relationship with God. We had to make a choice early on last year; the choice was between drawing on our faith in God and trusting Him or turning our back on God and just being angry at Him. I tried the angry thing for about 1 hour and knew I couldn't handle that. So, trusting in Him was the only option and I have never looked back.
Now, 1 year after our journey with Joshua began, almost 8 months since he was born, and 5 1/2 months since he past away, I can look back and see the blessings and tender mercies more clearly. God has been with our family every step of this journey and I have no doubt that He will continue to be with our family forever. We are stronger people because of our little Joshua.
Another dear friend of mine and fellow angel mom posted this music video on her facebook page yesterday. This beautiful song was exactly what I have been thinking about for a long time. I love how Hillary Weeks does not down play the difficulty of our situations. What we have to go through is hard and it is ok to want it to be gone. But, how wonderful it is to see where we end up when we can finally have the eyes to recognize our change. Our trials truly do become a "Beautiful Heartbreak".
Saturday, July 27, 2013
"That" question....
One question has started to come up more and more in my life now that I am getting out and meeting people that do not know about little Joshua. The dreaded question: "How many children do you have?" Every "angel parent" must decide how to answer this question and there is not always an easy answer. In fact, I have discussed this at length with many of the angel moms and really, it is difficult for all of us to figure out.
If I say I have two children, it always leads to telling them about Joshua. Now, I am no where NEAR ashamed to tell people about Joshua...in fact, I enjoy talking about him. The problem with telling someone who doesn't know is the inevitable reaction. The "Oh, my gosh, I am SO SORRY." Now, of course this would be the response because we are human and it really is the proper thing to say. However, sometimes, I just don't have the energy to handle it again. I find that I am the one consoling the other person. I find myself listening to stories about other families' losses or some other horrible things that happened to someone else because they are trying to show that they empathize with my feelings. Sometimes, it is just a little more draining than I have energy for at the time.
However, if I say I have one, then there is always a little stab in my heart since I know there is another one. It just brings all the feelings back to the surface of knowing that there will always be someone in our family missing. It seems so strange to tell people that I only have one when I have two. I have two children and nothing, not even death, can change that! So, saying something different is completely unnatural. In reality, I feel like I am lying.
So, I go through this debate in my head over a matter of 2-3 seconds after someone asks the question. I must decide if I can handle the response I will get from someone if I tell them or if I can handle the ache in my heart if I don't. Honestly, the answer is different every time. Sometimes, I am talking with the checkout person at the grocery store and they ask it just to have a friendly conversation. Then, I just don't have the heart to tell them of our tragedy and I don't mention it. Other times, I am meeting a new friend that I will most likely see and be with again. Then, I have to answer with the full story. They will find out eventually and I don't want to put myself through explaining it later.
So, truthfully, I am still trying to figure out how I am going to answer that question. It is different for every angel family and I would imagine it is going to take a good amount of time to find my perfect answer. In the mean time, I will just keep working on it.
If I say I have two children, it always leads to telling them about Joshua. Now, I am no where NEAR ashamed to tell people about Joshua...in fact, I enjoy talking about him. The problem with telling someone who doesn't know is the inevitable reaction. The "Oh, my gosh, I am SO SORRY." Now, of course this would be the response because we are human and it really is the proper thing to say. However, sometimes, I just don't have the energy to handle it again. I find that I am the one consoling the other person. I find myself listening to stories about other families' losses or some other horrible things that happened to someone else because they are trying to show that they empathize with my feelings. Sometimes, it is just a little more draining than I have energy for at the time.
However, if I say I have one, then there is always a little stab in my heart since I know there is another one. It just brings all the feelings back to the surface of knowing that there will always be someone in our family missing. It seems so strange to tell people that I only have one when I have two. I have two children and nothing, not even death, can change that! So, saying something different is completely unnatural. In reality, I feel like I am lying.
So, I go through this debate in my head over a matter of 2-3 seconds after someone asks the question. I must decide if I can handle the response I will get from someone if I tell them or if I can handle the ache in my heart if I don't. Honestly, the answer is different every time. Sometimes, I am talking with the checkout person at the grocery store and they ask it just to have a friendly conversation. Then, I just don't have the heart to tell them of our tragedy and I don't mention it. Other times, I am meeting a new friend that I will most likely see and be with again. Then, I have to answer with the full story. They will find out eventually and I don't want to put myself through explaining it later.
So, truthfully, I am still trying to figure out how I am going to answer that question. It is different for every angel family and I would imagine it is going to take a good amount of time to find my perfect answer. In the mean time, I will just keep working on it.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
5 months ago...
On the 13th of this month, we hit the 5 month mark since little Joshua returned to Heavenly Father. It was a Saturday and I had just spent the Thursday and Friday before that at a business meeting and had been going non-stop for about 48 hours. I was extremely tired...so Tim was sweet enough to take Logan for the day and I spent most of that Saturday watching TV and sleeping.
I don't remember much of what I watched, but I do remember thinking about my Joshua boy a lot. It was a day of reflection...and a day of self evaluation. I thought about how I have gotten back into some sort of routine. I thought about how life has kept going, even though Joshua is not with us. But mostly, I thought about how I haven't changed as much for the better as I would have liked.
I feel like I have slipped back into everyday things and have stopped focusing as much on the things that matter most. I remember when Joshua was here and the weeks that followed his passing that I had cut out all the "fluff" in my life. As I reflected on things now, I realized that fluff has slowly made it's way back in.
So, I have recommitted myself to focusing on the things that matter most: namely my family and my God. Doing little things each day to draw myself closer to the ones I love. Yes, that is the legacy I want Joshua to have. I am so grateful that I have my little angel to keep me focusing on the right things. I hope I can use his memory to continue to change my life for the better.
I don't remember much of what I watched, but I do remember thinking about my Joshua boy a lot. It was a day of reflection...and a day of self evaluation. I thought about how I have gotten back into some sort of routine. I thought about how life has kept going, even though Joshua is not with us. But mostly, I thought about how I haven't changed as much for the better as I would have liked.
I feel like I have slipped back into everyday things and have stopped focusing as much on the things that matter most. I remember when Joshua was here and the weeks that followed his passing that I had cut out all the "fluff" in my life. As I reflected on things now, I realized that fluff has slowly made it's way back in.
So, I have recommitted myself to focusing on the things that matter most: namely my family and my God. Doing little things each day to draw myself closer to the ones I love. Yes, that is the legacy I want Joshua to have. I am so grateful that I have my little angel to keep me focusing on the right things. I hope I can use his memory to continue to change my life for the better.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
The Dangers of Comparing
Why do we always feel the need to compare ourselves to others? There have been many times over the past few months where people are going through hard times and they say to me, "but it is not even close to what you had to go through." Now, I will be the first to tell you that losing a child is one of the most tragic and difficult things a person can go through; however, just because I went through that, does that make difficult experiences less painful for others? I would say absolutely not.
I remember sitting in the Primary Children's surgery waiting room while Joshua went through his last heart catherization procedure. The cardiologists had just finished explaining to us that they feared Joshua's pulmonary veins were closing and if that was the case, there was nothing else they could do. Tim and I sat in that waiting room and prepared ourselves for the doctors to find the evidence they needed to make that dreaded nightmare a reality.
Fortunately, that did not happen, but I remember as we sat there for the 2-3 hours, we saw many other parents waiting for news about their children...news that would be something like, "the tubes went in the ears perfectly," or, "the tonsils are out and he is in recovery doing great." I remember thinking how lucky these parents were that their children did not have such life-threatening reasons for being there. I remember thinking how they had so little to worry about...that they had no idea how much worse it could be. Also, I'm sure that someone was looking at us thinking how easy we had it compared to them.
Now, as I look back, I can't help but think about how I would feel if my little Logan had to go in for any type of surgery. What if he had to have his tonsils out? What if he had to have tubes put in his ears? The truth is, it would be hard and I would worry. It is what we do as parents.
The truth is, the Lord gives us challenges to stretch us just a little bit beyond our limit. No matter where our limit is, having to be stretched farther is going to be hard. It is not our job to compare trials, but it is our responsibility (when we are able) to lift one another's burdens. Christ suffered through the greatest trial of all and what does he do now? He serves us and loves us.
Just because I have been through something terrible, does not mean that I don't feel for others and what they have to go through. Every time I hear about someone's baby being sick, I feel for them, even though the baby will most likely survive. Every time I hear about someone who has to kiss their child right before surgery and hand him off to the doctors, I feel for them, even though that child will most likely be ok. Trials are hard for everyone and it is ok to feel like it is hard, even though someone may be going through something that seems harder.
I remember sitting in the Primary Children's surgery waiting room while Joshua went through his last heart catherization procedure. The cardiologists had just finished explaining to us that they feared Joshua's pulmonary veins were closing and if that was the case, there was nothing else they could do. Tim and I sat in that waiting room and prepared ourselves for the doctors to find the evidence they needed to make that dreaded nightmare a reality.
Fortunately, that did not happen, but I remember as we sat there for the 2-3 hours, we saw many other parents waiting for news about their children...news that would be something like, "the tubes went in the ears perfectly," or, "the tonsils are out and he is in recovery doing great." I remember thinking how lucky these parents were that their children did not have such life-threatening reasons for being there. I remember thinking how they had so little to worry about...that they had no idea how much worse it could be. Also, I'm sure that someone was looking at us thinking how easy we had it compared to them.
Now, as I look back, I can't help but think about how I would feel if my little Logan had to go in for any type of surgery. What if he had to have his tonsils out? What if he had to have tubes put in his ears? The truth is, it would be hard and I would worry. It is what we do as parents.
The truth is, the Lord gives us challenges to stretch us just a little bit beyond our limit. No matter where our limit is, having to be stretched farther is going to be hard. It is not our job to compare trials, but it is our responsibility (when we are able) to lift one another's burdens. Christ suffered through the greatest trial of all and what does he do now? He serves us and loves us.
Just because I have been through something terrible, does not mean that I don't feel for others and what they have to go through. Every time I hear about someone's baby being sick, I feel for them, even though the baby will most likely survive. Every time I hear about someone who has to kiss their child right before surgery and hand him off to the doctors, I feel for them, even though that child will most likely be ok. Trials are hard for everyone and it is ok to feel like it is hard, even though someone may be going through something that seems harder.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
None Were with Him, so He Could be with Me
There have been and probably will be many times that I have felt completely alone on this journey this past year. Even with all the letters and notes from people who have also lost children, there were times that I thought, "No one could possibly know what my heart is going through."
Well, as the months have passed, I have experienced the miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that He went through his lonely journey so I didn't have to. I have felt my heart begin to heal, at least a little bit. I could never begin to express the gratitude in my heart for my Savior and all that He as done for me, my family, and for everyone.
Well, as the months have passed, I have experienced the miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that He went through his lonely journey so I didn't have to. I have felt my heart begin to heal, at least a little bit. I could never begin to express the gratitude in my heart for my Savior and all that He as done for me, my family, and for everyone.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Remembering the first time
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