Thursday, May 9, 2013
Memories of Joshua...From you!
So, this morning, I was thinking it was about time to get Joshua's photo book together. I make a photo book for Logan for each year and I plan to do that with all my kids. I have sat down to do Joshua's before and I just couldn't do it. My heart was not ready to review that short little life in such detail. However, I feel like if I wait too much longer, we are going to forget some important details and that is the last thing I want.
So, I have a request from all of you! I know very few people knew Joshua on a personal level, but I do know that many of you have been touched by his spirit and have experiences with him. If you don't mind sharing, I would like to collect some of your experiences to include in Joshua's book. Not only will it help complete the story of his life, I think it would be good for my healing heart to hear from all of you and how Joshua's life affected others.
So, there are two ways you can share: (1) simply leave your memory/story in a comment below or (2) send me an e-mail at abrokenheartandcontritespirit@gmail.com.
Thank you, in advance, for your contribution to Joshua's book. This will be something our family will treasure forever and for generations.
So, I have a request from all of you! I know very few people knew Joshua on a personal level, but I do know that many of you have been touched by his spirit and have experiences with him. If you don't mind sharing, I would like to collect some of your experiences to include in Joshua's book. Not only will it help complete the story of his life, I think it would be good for my healing heart to hear from all of you and how Joshua's life affected others.
So, there are two ways you can share: (1) simply leave your memory/story in a comment below or (2) send me an e-mail at abrokenheartandcontritespirit@gmail.com.
Thank you, in advance, for your contribution to Joshua's book. This will be something our family will treasure forever and for generations.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Running With Angels 5K Run 2013
Next weekend, Tim and I will have our first opportunity to spread Joshua's spirit in a very public way. Next weekend, we will be participating in the Running With Angels 5K. Not only will we be walking the actual race, but we have been asked to be one of three families to participate in the traditional dove release at the beginning of the race.
Running With Angels is a book written by Pam Hansen, who lost multiple children and then struggled with weight for a long time. She shares her journey of grief and self-determination and eventually runs a marathon! Now, she helps put on this 5K on an annual basis to help raise money for the Angel Watch Program (click for more information). Here is a beautiful picture slide show of last year's run (take note of the dove release...that is what we will be doing as a family!)
As I prepare myself for this event, I have a few different emotions running through me. First of all, I am excited to be able to share little Joshua with a bigger audience. As his mother, I feel a responsibility to make sure his little life is not forgotten. Also, I can't wait to be surrounded by all these wonderful families that know what it is like to lose a loved one. There is a special spirit when people like that gather together and I draw lots of strength from that.
Surprisingly, I am not that nervous. I have been able to talk to people about Joshua pretty openly and I have found that if I need to cry, there is no shame in that (especially in front of a crowd like the one at this race). It will be a moment I will never forget and I am excited.
If you are interested in attending this event, simply visit their website to register. If you are not a runner, you are welcome to walk the course as well (that is where I will be). I hope to see a lot of you there!
Running With Angels is a book written by Pam Hansen, who lost multiple children and then struggled with weight for a long time. She shares her journey of grief and self-determination and eventually runs a marathon! Now, she helps put on this 5K on an annual basis to help raise money for the Angel Watch Program (click for more information). Here is a beautiful picture slide show of last year's run (take note of the dove release...that is what we will be doing as a family!)
As I prepare myself for this event, I have a few different emotions running through me. First of all, I am excited to be able to share little Joshua with a bigger audience. As his mother, I feel a responsibility to make sure his little life is not forgotten. Also, I can't wait to be surrounded by all these wonderful families that know what it is like to lose a loved one. There is a special spirit when people like that gather together and I draw lots of strength from that.
Surprisingly, I am not that nervous. I have been able to talk to people about Joshua pretty openly and I have found that if I need to cry, there is no shame in that (especially in front of a crowd like the one at this race). It will be a moment I will never forget and I am excited.
If you are interested in attending this event, simply visit their website to register. If you are not a runner, you are welcome to walk the course as well (that is where I will be). I hope to see a lot of you there!
Monday, May 6, 2013
The Light of Christ
I am so grateful for the Light of Christ. It truly has filled the darkness with a peaceful glow.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Anxieties about another baby
First of all...let's get this out right now...I am NOT pregnant. However, I wanted to write this post because this is a very real thing I am dealing with right now.
Tim and I have always wanted to have a large family and that has not changed since loosing baby Joshua. If anything, I feel an even stronger desire to have more children. No, I don't think having another baby will take away the ache of not having Joshua. However, I know there are more children that are meant to be a part of our family and I want to see them and have them with me.
With all that said, you can image that there are a few things that make me nervous about having another baby (whenever that happens).
1) The 20 week ultrasound: It may sound silly, but I already have HUGE anxiety about that 20 week scan. That is where everything started with Joshua-where we found out there were heart issues. The day that should have been all excitement about finding out we were having boy #2 turned into a day of wondering what we were getting into. Really, I think the entire first half of the pregnancy will be worrying about what they will find.
2) What if they missed something-Even if everything looks great at the 20 week ultrasound, I really think the rest of the pregnancy will be hard wondering if they missed something. Many heart defects are hard to see on the 20 week ultrasound and many parents don't find out about them until the baby is born. Fortunately, I think we will be able to get multiple ultrasounds, but it will always be a worry.
3) Having another boy: As wonderful as it would be to have another boy, it really makes me nervous to do a boy again. Putting away all the boy clothes after Joshua passed away was one of the hardest things I had to do that week after the funeral. Packing up all the clothes Joshua would have worn if he had survived was very difficult. I think it would be really nice to have a little girl and just avoid that all together...at least for now. I know I would work through whatever comes. I know it is all a mental thing, but it is still very real to me.
4) Nights: Joshua passed away while we were all sleeping. I know that it will take a lot of mental strength to be able to put my baby to sleep at night and be able to sleep myself. Man, my heart beat got faster just thinking about it...
All in all, however, I think I will be excited when the time comes to add to our family again. I know that it will happen when the Lord feels we are ready and when we will need it. Also, I know the Lord will be there, like He always is, to help us through whatever happens.
Tim and I have always wanted to have a large family and that has not changed since loosing baby Joshua. If anything, I feel an even stronger desire to have more children. No, I don't think having another baby will take away the ache of not having Joshua. However, I know there are more children that are meant to be a part of our family and I want to see them and have them with me.
With all that said, you can image that there are a few things that make me nervous about having another baby (whenever that happens).
1) The 20 week ultrasound: It may sound silly, but I already have HUGE anxiety about that 20 week scan. That is where everything started with Joshua-where we found out there were heart issues. The day that should have been all excitement about finding out we were having boy #2 turned into a day of wondering what we were getting into. Really, I think the entire first half of the pregnancy will be worrying about what they will find.
2) What if they missed something-Even if everything looks great at the 20 week ultrasound, I really think the rest of the pregnancy will be hard wondering if they missed something. Many heart defects are hard to see on the 20 week ultrasound and many parents don't find out about them until the baby is born. Fortunately, I think we will be able to get multiple ultrasounds, but it will always be a worry.
3) Having another boy: As wonderful as it would be to have another boy, it really makes me nervous to do a boy again. Putting away all the boy clothes after Joshua passed away was one of the hardest things I had to do that week after the funeral. Packing up all the clothes Joshua would have worn if he had survived was very difficult. I think it would be really nice to have a little girl and just avoid that all together...at least for now. I know I would work through whatever comes. I know it is all a mental thing, but it is still very real to me.
4) Nights: Joshua passed away while we were all sleeping. I know that it will take a lot of mental strength to be able to put my baby to sleep at night and be able to sleep myself. Man, my heart beat got faster just thinking about it...
All in all, however, I think I will be excited when the time comes to add to our family again. I know that it will happen when the Lord feels we are ready and when we will need it. Also, I know the Lord will be there, like He always is, to help us through whatever happens.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Joshua's Life Sketch (By His Grandfather)
As I posted yesterday, it is amazing how quickly memories can fade, even when we are trying so hard to keep them fresh. I was a little down yesterday as I tried to close my eyes and remember certain details of Joshua's life and they just don't have the clarity that they have had before.
So, last night, a member of the Intermountain Healing Hearts stopped by to give me a gift. I had no idea what she was bringing, but I was surprised that I didn't remember they were doing this for us! At Joshua's funeral, there was someone there that had us pick out a few flowers, which they said they would dry for us and display them. Well, I finally got to see the finished product last night and I couldn't be more thrilled with it!
As I sat there staring at this beautiful creation, I couldn't help but think about Joshua's funeral. Then, I realized something...Joshua's life sketch! A 10-minute talk by my father at the funeral was a perfect review of Joshua's short life and I got really excited to read it. As I did, memories that I had completely forgotten about came rushing back. Little moments that I hold so dear. I also read through my talk and got some of the same thing.
So, I wanted to share these words with you (with my dad's permission). I love this simple take on his life and I love that I can read them whenever I need the reminder.
Brothers and Sisters, it is indeed heartwarming to see so many of you here. We are grateful for your sacrifice, and for your love.
It is my privilege to share a sketch of the life of Joshua Kent Ipson. I have chosen to tell this from Joshua’s perspective, with the hope that this approach will allow us to see the purposes of the Lord more clearly.
My name is Joshua Kent Ipson, and I came into this earthly existence on December 1, 2012. But my life and mission did not begin then, nor did it end when I returned to heaven on February 13, 2013. This short period was packed – so many lives to touch, so little time.
Long before the late evening of December 1, our Heavenly Father counseled with me regarding my earth mission. The basic assignment was pretty straightforward – gain a body. The rest of the assignment involved teaching as many people as I could about how much love our Savior has for all of God’s children. We carefully selected a family that guaranteed maximum coverage – an extended family with deep Gospel roots, with a natural tendency to be good and kind, and sealed in the new and everlasting covenant.
Of particular importance was the selection of my parents. Who in this family could the Lord qualify to offer me selfless care with the following specifications?
1. Full term maternity care.
2. Ability to provide priesthood blessings, and give me three names of deep significance.
3. Ride in a life flight transport bassinette
4. Echo-cardiograms (at least 2)
5. Open-heart surgery
6. 50 hospital night stays, more than half of which must be in ICU
7. Parent-inserted feeding tube (Dad gets extra credit for this one), Feeding tube must be filled with mother’s milk (Mom gets extra credit for this one.)
8. Constant companionship of an oxygen tank
9. Mother-provided blog to ensure that the message of our Savior’s love would be shouted from the mountain tops.
10.Dad who can keep his job through all this.
11.See Idaho at least once.
12.Do it all in 75 days, with most of the first day taken up with making sure mom gets to the hospital on time, and most of the last day set aside for me to be welcomed home by my family.
It was clear that there were several worthy candidates capable of fulfilling these specifications. In the end, I chose the best looking ones, with the greatest big brother ever.
I am grateful to my mother and father for their preparations, which allowed the Holy Ghost to teach them. They learned to be more courageous, to have increased confidence in acting upon the promptings of the Spirit – and they didn’t miss once.
I am now aware of the short-term success of my mission. Hundreds of people have experienced our Savior’s love, and have demonstrated that love through countless acts of kindness, patience, and charity. Individual testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have been strengthened. Harsh words have given way to peaceable things.
The long-term success of my mission is now in your hands; although you can be assured that I will be anxiously engaged in a very real way until the work is done. I will be there every time you ask “What now?” instead of “Why me?” I will be there every time your heart aches, and every time you want nothing more but to hold me again. I promise you that through the loving grace of our brother Jesus Christ, all things will be restored. Your arms will lovingly and securely fold around me, to raise me as your son in the great and glorious day of the Lord.
Of these truths I bear witness, and acknowledge God’s hand in all things, and do so in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
So, last night, a member of the Intermountain Healing Hearts stopped by to give me a gift. I had no idea what she was bringing, but I was surprised that I didn't remember they were doing this for us! At Joshua's funeral, there was someone there that had us pick out a few flowers, which they said they would dry for us and display them. Well, I finally got to see the finished product last night and I couldn't be more thrilled with it!
Flowers were from this bouquet at the funeral
So, I wanted to share these words with you (with my dad's permission). I love this simple take on his life and I love that I can read them whenever I need the reminder.
Life Sketch of Joshua Kent Ipson
Presented by his Grandfather
Presented by his Grandfather
Brothers and Sisters, it is indeed heartwarming to see so many of you here. We are grateful for your sacrifice, and for your love.
It is my privilege to share a sketch of the life of Joshua Kent Ipson. I have chosen to tell this from Joshua’s perspective, with the hope that this approach will allow us to see the purposes of the Lord more clearly.
My name is Joshua Kent Ipson, and I came into this earthly existence on December 1, 2012. But my life and mission did not begin then, nor did it end when I returned to heaven on February 13, 2013. This short period was packed – so many lives to touch, so little time.
Long before the late evening of December 1, our Heavenly Father counseled with me regarding my earth mission. The basic assignment was pretty straightforward – gain a body. The rest of the assignment involved teaching as many people as I could about how much love our Savior has for all of God’s children. We carefully selected a family that guaranteed maximum coverage – an extended family with deep Gospel roots, with a natural tendency to be good and kind, and sealed in the new and everlasting covenant.
Of particular importance was the selection of my parents. Who in this family could the Lord qualify to offer me selfless care with the following specifications?
1. Full term maternity care.
2. Ability to provide priesthood blessings, and give me three names of deep significance.
3. Ride in a life flight transport bassinette
4. Echo-cardiograms (at least 2)
5. Open-heart surgery
6. 50 hospital night stays, more than half of which must be in ICU
7. Parent-inserted feeding tube (Dad gets extra credit for this one), Feeding tube must be filled with mother’s milk (Mom gets extra credit for this one.)
8. Constant companionship of an oxygen tank
9. Mother-provided blog to ensure that the message of our Savior’s love would be shouted from the mountain tops.
10.Dad who can keep his job through all this.
11.See Idaho at least once.
12.Do it all in 75 days, with most of the first day taken up with making sure mom gets to the hospital on time, and most of the last day set aside for me to be welcomed home by my family.
It was clear that there were several worthy candidates capable of fulfilling these specifications. In the end, I chose the best looking ones, with the greatest big brother ever.
I am grateful to my mother and father for their preparations, which allowed the Holy Ghost to teach them. They learned to be more courageous, to have increased confidence in acting upon the promptings of the Spirit – and they didn’t miss once.
I am now aware of the short-term success of my mission. Hundreds of people have experienced our Savior’s love, and have demonstrated that love through countless acts of kindness, patience, and charity. Individual testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have been strengthened. Harsh words have given way to peaceable things.
The long-term success of my mission is now in your hands; although you can be assured that I will be anxiously engaged in a very real way until the work is done. I will be there every time you ask “What now?” instead of “Why me?” I will be there every time your heart aches, and every time you want nothing more but to hold me again. I promise you that through the loving grace of our brother Jesus Christ, all things will be restored. Your arms will lovingly and securely fold around me, to raise me as your son in the great and glorious day of the Lord.
Of these truths I bear witness, and acknowledge God’s hand in all things, and do so in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
5 Months old....
Dear Joshua-
Happy 5 months birthday. 5 months...wow...this time, it seems like it has been an eternity since that night you were born. Truly, it has to have been longer than that.
I can't help but wonder what you would be doing right now if you were still here...and what our family would be doing. I wonder if you would still have really chubby cheeks or if you would be thinning out a little. I wonder how much you would be taking at each feeding and maybe you would be close to having your feeding tube taken out...but probably not. :) I wonder if you would be having good days that you didn't need much oxygen. I wonder if you would be sleeping longer at night or if you would still be waking up every few hours.
But really, it is getting harder for me to wonder what you would be doing developmentally. You were so special and definitely did things at your own pace. I have no idea what you would be doing. We may still be working on helping you hold up your head. We probably would still be working on your swallowing. (most likely, you probably wouldn't have even passed your swallow study, mister slow poke!) You just liked to take your time...
Joshua, things are getting a little better for me...but still hard at times. As the time goes on, I am noticing that my memories are starting to fade, and that makes me so sad. I cling to the ones that are still there and pull out your pictures all the time, hoping to rekindle those memories. I am grateful I have your pictures, your clothes, your blankets, and this blog so I can remember you more clearly.
However, the one thing that still has never decreased is how much I feel your presence. I know you are with our family, Joshua, and I know you are doing great things. I wonder how the time feels to you. Does it feel like an eternity since you laid in my arms or does it seem like just seconds with the eternal perspective you surely have? Either way, I hope you will keep your spirit close to me. I love knowing you are near. I need that.
Happy 5 months birthday. 5 months...wow...this time, it seems like it has been an eternity since that night you were born. Truly, it has to have been longer than that.
I can't help but wonder what you would be doing right now if you were still here...and what our family would be doing. I wonder if you would still have really chubby cheeks or if you would be thinning out a little. I wonder how much you would be taking at each feeding and maybe you would be close to having your feeding tube taken out...but probably not. :) I wonder if you would be having good days that you didn't need much oxygen. I wonder if you would be sleeping longer at night or if you would still be waking up every few hours.
But really, it is getting harder for me to wonder what you would be doing developmentally. You were so special and definitely did things at your own pace. I have no idea what you would be doing. We may still be working on helping you hold up your head. We probably would still be working on your swallowing. (most likely, you probably wouldn't have even passed your swallow study, mister slow poke!) You just liked to take your time...
However, the one thing that still has never decreased is how much I feel your presence. I know you are with our family, Joshua, and I know you are doing great things. I wonder how the time feels to you. Does it feel like an eternity since you laid in my arms or does it seem like just seconds with the eternal perspective you surely have? Either way, I hope you will keep your spirit close to me. I love knowing you are near. I need that.
I love you, Joshua. Happy 5 month birthday.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Consider the Sweet Tender Children
One of my other angel mom friends posted this song on facebook this morning and I couldn't help but feel the need to share it. I absolutely love this song, but I have not listened to it for a long time. The third verse has taken on a whole new meaning:
"Consider the sweet, tender children
The pains of all of them he carried
From the day of his birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And he will heal those who trust him,
And make their hearts as gold."
The whole time Joshua was on this earth, he suffered. But, I also know that the spirit of our Heavenly Father were with him the whole time. How do I know that? I could feel it every time I looked into his eyes or walked into his room.
Now, with those of us left behind by Joshua, we are the ones suffering. The ache in our hearts continues as the days, weeks, and months pass without him. But, just as the song says, our Savior carries all of our burdens and through Him, our hearts will be as gold.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(Atom)
<a href="http://abrokenheartandcontritespirit.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN-hwI4WUg0Sq_6UsX2eY0XOY-h27p4v30RhZO0pXwMic4J03FNGNDNyNHO8-i9sHpvkqvSSHRi3S8SlljPYU1jnKHJncZq6utRpRFgLzoCLHFjXFX8KFxmlvOF5nJjHG9BBMZWEAVapk/s1600/Button.jpg" /></a>
The source of all my hope and peace
Popular Posts
-
The evening of February 12, 2013 started out just like any other night at home with our little man. It was our 4th night back home from the... -
Wow...it has been a long time since I posted on this blog. I can honestly say that life moves forward with our new normal. Sometimes, when... -
I decided I wanted to have a collection of Joshua's funeral pictures in a slideshow. It was actually very therapeutic for me to put thi...
-
I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true: time is a st... -
This is only my 3rd Mothers' Day as a mom with kids, but I have been celebrating Mothers' Day for much longer than that. It be... -
A fter a little bit of drama with the monument place, Joshua's headstone is finally placed! We are both trilled with it. I am just... -
Wow...I didn't realize how much time has passed since posting on this blog. I am beginning to understand the phrase that time can heal.... -
At Joshua's funeral, Tim and I both felt very strongly that we needed to speak. We were the ones that knew Joshua best and we were the ... -
As I prepped for this 4 month anniversary, I hoped that I would feel Joshua's presence throughout the day. In my post yesterday, I wrote... -
Wow...what a difference 24 hours can make. I woke up this morning after a very rough night. I could not stop thinking about the ultrasound...