Man...another family lost a heart baby this week.  This time, it was actually someone I knew before.  The night this little baby passed away, I couldn't help but think of those dear parents...trying so hard to comprehend what had just happened, but unable to.  Trying to sleep, but being woken up by dreams of those final moments.  Feeling the weight on their chest from the grief...the tangible, cut-it-with a knife grief.  (*sigh*).  It was heartbreaking for me to think of another week couple having to go through that. 

Dear Joshua-
Happy Halloween, sweet boy.  I wanted to let you know today that I am thinking a lot about you.  I was at the store yesterday and saw so many costumes that I know would have looked so darling on you.  I wondered what we would have dressed you up as...maybe a monster or super hero.  Maybe we would have coordinated your costume with your older brother. Whatever we would have done, it would have been so much fun to dress you up.

Last night, our family went to our ward Halloween party.  As I laid in bed that night, I wondered if you would have been able to go with us or not.  Cold and flu season is hitting full force and we always had to be so careful when it came to germs.  I realized that now, you can come to those events with us without concern.  I know you were there celebrating with us, even if we couldn't see you. 

Joshua, we are coming up on the season of the year that I remember having you with me.  You were born at the beginning of December, but November was the month we were anticipating your birth.  I feel like a lot of grieving feelings are starting to resurface a little bit.  I am missing you.  I so wish that I could actually dress you up instead of just dream of it.  I so wish I could hear all the comments from people about how cute you look in your costume. I wish we could take you trick or treating, even if it was only a few houses. I wish you were going to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I wish I didn't have to wish all these things. 

Yes, I am taking a few minutes to be selfish today.  I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering.  I know that the Lord has so much in store for you. You have a mission, Joshua.  That mission is what keeps me from being mad or extremely upset on most days.  However, today, I wish I could just give you one more hug and kiss and then send you on your way. 

Joshua, please be with me today.  Let me know that you are ok and help me feel your presence.  You are always in my thoughts and I love you for eternity.

Your mother

Wow...what a difference 24 hours can make.  I woke up this morning after a very rough night.  I could not stop thinking about the ultrasound just hours away and my mind would not turn off.  I couldn't help but think that this was the day that we would find out so much more about what type of journey this little baby would bring...

I woke up and the first thing I did was check my e-mail and check my facebook page.  One of my friends on facebook posted a quote from the famous musical, The Sound of Music.  "What will this day be like, I wonder?  What will my future be, I wonder?"
As Maria's voice sang those words in my head, I couldn't help but think it was the perfect theme song for my day.  The results of the ultrasound would be the answer to those rather deep questions.  The future of my family would be determined today...

So, we got in the car and started driving, really not understanding all the tender mercies the Lord had for us. First, we were able to have it be scheduled first thing in the morning.  We were almost late and it really didn't give us much time to think too much about it.  Another tender mercy:  They had completely remodeled the office.  This was the office that I had come for some my appointments for Joshua, every week for the last month or so of that pregnancy.  I was nervous to be going into those doors again, but it looked different, so that made it a little bit easier. Finally, we got one of the doctors and nurses that we saw with Joshua.  It was a group of people that understand what it must be like to be going through a pregnancy after an experience like we had with Joshua. They were all amazing.

Sooner than I was really ready for, the ultrasound tech was in the room and we were looking at our baby.  The tech could not really tell us anything as she went through each part of the body...starting with the brain, going down the spine, measuring bones, and finally, landing on the heart.  I knew right away that the heart looked WAY different than Joshua's...we had seen his broken heart so many times that the picture is permanently on my memory.  This heart looked like the ones I had seen in my PDBio textbook...the way it is suppose to look.  While the tech did not tell us any specifics, I knew right away that if this baby had any defects with the heart, they would be minor compared to Joshua's.

However, the tension in the room was still very tangible.  There were just too many things that could be wrong that we would not recognize. So, we sat alone after the tech left and waited for the fateful words of the doctors.  She walked in and recognized us...first thing she did was ask about Joshua.  I should have seen that coming (how in the world would they know, since we didn't tell them and they are not connected with Primary's?).  After telling her the sad news, she became much more understanding as to why we were there.  After expressing some heart felt condolences, she said, "so, this is a little bit of a stressful day for you."   Yep...she got that right.

So, she pulled up the pictures and started going though each part...brain, perfect.  Bones, perfect.  Growth, perfect.  Stomach, perfect.  Fluid levels, perfect.  Now, the heart...EVERYTHING looked perfect.  Her exact words, "There is nothing here that would warn me that there is anything to worry about."  When she finished, I don't think the words had really sunk in to either Tim or I.  She looked at us and said, "You guys still look very concerned."  I realized that every muscle in my body was still tense.  We were both waiting for her to give the bad news...the "but I do see this..." phrase.  However, it didn't come.  All the news had been given, and all of it was good.

I started to cry after the doctor left...I just couldn't believe it.  I had convinced myself that something would be wrong.  Now, I had to completely change everything I had thought.  I was beyond relieved.  I don't think I really understood how stressed I had been about this baby until the weight was off my shoulder.  I felt like I could skip and jump so high!  This baby was healthy...and that was more than I could comprehend.  Honestly, it took me a good 24 hours to really get it.

Then, I had one more thing to take in...not only was this little baby healthy, but I now had to prepare to have my first GIRL!  Now, I remember having a prayer with Heavenly Father about the gender of this baby.  I said, "Father, you obviously think our family is ready for another baby, even though I am not sure we are.  However, I know I am not ready for another boy.  I just want to start over with the clothes.  Please, if you could, let me have a girl this time.  Please, let me heal from loosing Joshua just a little longer before we bring another baby boy to this family."  So, when they said this baby was a girl, I knew that the Lord had answered my prayers.  I was so grateful that He allowed this tender mercy in my life.  I couldn't be more thrilled to go buy pink...and to let the blue stay in my heart for just a little longer.

Next step?  If we feel it necessary, we will have a fetal echo done in a few weeks, just to double check everything.  We could also have another ultrasound between 32-34 weeks to check for some other rare defects.  But for now? I am just enjoying the fact that everything looked great for now...and saying lots of prayers of thanks.

I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do!  A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time.  Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me).  Everyone went back to their everyday life.  The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder.  Especially at night.

Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight.  The ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come.  Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone.  Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.

It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly.  There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over.  What is done is done.  This baby is already developed.  But try telling that to my subconscious.  Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest.  Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms.  Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming.  I am nervous and my whole body knows it.  Gosh, I just want this to be over.

This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua.  I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one.  Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves.  Why?  Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain!  Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them?  No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.

*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head.  Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow.  But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...

People keep asking me about our plans once this baby arrives. Where is the baby going to sleep? How do you think Logan will handle this next baby? You know...the "thinking about the future" questions. Honestly, the answer I always have to give is, "I haven't even thought about it..." 

This week marked 7 months since little Joshua passed.  As people have realized this, many have expressed how quickly the time has passed and how it seems like just yesterday.  For me, however, it has been an eternity and I can't believe we are not marking years yet...

I was warned a few months ago by a professional that many families find that their grief returns pretty harshly around 6 months.  So, I had prepared myself last month for a difficult time.  However, it was really not that bad.  I was able to get through the day/week pretty well!  I boasted to myself that I must be doing pretty well...excited that I was able to make it through a time pretty easily that many others struggle with. 

However, I have been humbled.  My difficult time did not come at 6, but 7 months.  Really, it has been ever since we scheduled the ultrasound for my pregnancy have many of the emotions of not have Joshua here have come very close to the surface.  Maybe it is because I am pregnant and already extra emotional.  Maybe it is my subconscious struggling with the idea of moving on to the next chapter of our life.  Maybe everyone goes through a harder time "around" 6 months because their subconscious is trying to move on and just can't yet. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been hard and I have just wanted to give my boy one more kiss and hold him close one more time.

So, with this little background, I began to prepare for the Intermountain Healing Hearts Annual Walk for Healing Hearts.  It is IHH's annual fundraiser and they honor all heart heros, including all the angels.  Every angel family prepares a poster to display for everyone to get to know them and they even do a beautiful butterfly release for them.  It was perfect timing for me to have something to look forward to, something that would honor sweet Joshua and let him know that even though life is moving forward, we will never forget him. 

I didn't know what to expect once we had the date set...maybe I just thought I would continue to ignore the fact that this pregnancy got closer and closer to the half way mark and the infamous 20 week ultrasounds scan. However, at my last appointment with my OB, we set the date and all of the sudden, everything became very, very real.

I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks.  I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day!  There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet.  However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all.  Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there.  Yes, that was a hard day.

I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year!  For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away.  For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean.  I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment.  The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"

Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race.  It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news. 

Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get.  There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do?  I keep busy and try not to think about it.  What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now?  What is the point of stressing over something I can't change?  No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible.  It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.

Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans.  This is the right course we are suppose to be on.  I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey.  Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...