The first few days after finding out about our little guy's heart problems, I went through a lot of different emotions.  One thing that really struck me was a feeling of loss...which confused me because I couldn't think what it was I was grieving the loss of.  Then, one day, I was thinking about getting out some of Logan's old baby clothes and getting them ready...I realized I didn't know what kind of clothes to get out.  If my baby was going to be in the hospital for a month, would regular onesies work?  I suddenly broke into tears again as I realized our experience with this baby would be nothing like a normal baby experience.  That is what I was mourning...the loss of that normal experience.  I probably won't be bringing baby home with me from the hospital when I leave.  I probably won't be able to nurse him within the first few hours he is here.  I probably won't be able to have him in my hospital room the first night.  Things will be different...and that has been a tough one for me to swallow.

After our first cardiology appointment, our doctor handed us a folder full of helpful information...support groups, lists of people we may want to talk to, etc.  In that folder, this poem was included.  As I read the words, I was so thrilled to find that someone had figured out how to explain my feelings so perfectly!  This is what it feels like...and why I have been struggling with mourning a loss.  I know I will love my baby more than anything, but I am glad I have a few months to be sad that things won't be what I was expecting.

Welcome to Holland
by: Emily Perl Kingsley

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Tomorrow is our first appointment with a cardiologist.  We are expecting to get a lot of answers to how our life will be for the first little while after baby comes. 

I am sort of having mixed emotions tonight about tomorrow.  One one hand, I am excited to get my questions answered and know enough to start making the necessary plans.  On the other hand, I am feeling overwhelmed.  I guess I will just be glad to have it over with so we can move on to the next part.  Waiting really is the hardest.

It is hard to put into words what I have been feeling the last week and a half or so.  On July 25, 2012, we were expecting the fun half-way-point pregnancy ultrasound that everyone gets.  We were going to find out the gender and start getting even more excited about the new addition to our family.  Although it was very fun to find out he is a boy and to see him moving around, we also found out that our little guy has some pretty serious heart problems.

That first 24 hours went by with a lot of tears.  I think both of us were in shock.  We have a few friends that have dealt with children with heart problems and we knew, to some extent, what that can mean.  It was an experience we never expected to happen to our little family.  I remember walking out to the car with Tim after the ultrasound and both of us just cried.  After a few minutes, Tim looked at me and asked, "What do we do now?"  I shook my head and said, "I guess we just go home."  It seemed so crazy to think we could just get back to normal life after hearing this news.

Probably the hardest thing to do was calling our mothers.  Somehow, saying the words to those we loved made it more real...and more difficult.  Fortunately, our mothers were wonderful enough to call each of our siblings and tell them for us.  It was so much easier for them to just know then to have to tell them.  However, once they knew, I think both Tim and I started to feel the prayers and love from each one of them.

This was probably the first time I have ever experienced "feeling the prayers" of others, at least to this extent.  Literally over night, I went from so sad and almost hopeless, to finding peace and the courage to simply stand up and do what we needed to to.  Just the next day, I was ready to see the specialists and start the process of learning everything we could about baby's heart condition so we could make the necessary plans to help him.   I have been at such peace ever since that day.  How wonderful it has been to realize that the Lord really does not give us more than we can handle and helps us through our more difficult times.

I'm not going to lie, though.  I have still had moments (and days) where tears and grief are at the surface.  I have tried to think about how others could relate to my feelings and the only thing I can seem to relate what I have been feeling is the grief cycle.  I started out in denial...days where I would wake up and think that the first ultrasound was just a dream.   Everything is fine and none of that terrible news really happened.  Then, there are moments of just sadness.  Sadness for the baby inside and what he is going to have to deal with and also sadness at the loss of the normal experience of a healthy baby.  There have also been moments of asking why, but I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel so I don't need to dwell on this fact.  Mostly, I am grateful that Heavenly Father has helped me come to the acceptance stage quickly.  I know that it has been his spirit of peace that has helped me to this point.

Although I know that journey with this little guy will probably not be the easiest, I am so grateful for this opportunity.  I know that Heavenly Father does not send these spirits to just anyone to take care of.  What a wonderful and terrifying experience it will be.  I also know that my emotions have more of a roller coaster to ride, I know that it will be much easier with my Heavenly Father on my side.