Wow...it has been a long time since I posted on this blog.  I can honestly say that life moves forward with our new normal.  Sometimes, when I think about it, it is absolutely crazy that my "life before Joshua" (as I like to call it) was just  2 1/2 years ago.  In many ways, it seems like it was forever ago...it has been forever since I held him and it seems like so much has happened.  But 2 1/2 years doesn't sound like a very long time when you say it! The way we experience time is a strange thing and something I continue to be baffled by. But, here we are!  2 1/2 years has come and gone!



Anyway, this past week, I had the marvelous opportunity to view a production of the show, "Savior of the World" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  What a glorious depiction of the events proceeding Christs birth and those that followed the Resurrection!  I got to see this show the Christmas after Joshua passed away and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see it again so close to another milestone.  You see, the truths described in the show are, in fact, the truths that give me hope: that our Savior was born, that He died, and that He rose again from the grave!  That through Him, we can be together as a family forever!  That because of Him, I will hold my baby again!  Honestly, there is no better way to spend two hours of your time*!

This time seemed extra special to me because I met a new angel mom friend.  My parents and a couple of my siblings were in the show, so I had the opportunity to meet more of the cast members.  Turns out that the wonderful woman playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a new angel mom.  She lost her sweet baby after he was born extremely early, right before the auditions for the show were to take place. When we met for the first time, all we did was give each other a hug and a bond was born.  No words needed to be said....we were special to each other because we knew the pain.  So, to hear her speak the truths in the show and to watch her hold that baby Jesus, it just made them all the more real and brought back very special feelings of my own.

A few parts in the show that were especially touchings:

1)  The main song in the whole show has different verses for different scenes.  During the scene of the tomb right after Christ is buried, the chorus sings these words:




2)  After Christ is resurrected, He visits with some of the disciples on the road to Emmaus.  After their experience, they are talking with each other about the joy they feel to have their Lord back with them again.  One of them asks something along the lines of, "How could we have been so sad?"  My thoughts with that line were that I can not wait to put the sadness behind me.  There will be a time when I ask myself how I could have been so sad because the joy will be so great! It will be a glorious time.

3) Along those same lines, the women that loved Jesus are talking together after their own visit with the Savior.  One says, "Our grief is gone!"  Another responds with, "No, changed.  Our grief has transformed into joy." You guys...when the Savior comes, our grief will transform into Joy!  I know it will!  What a blessed day it will be!

4) Finally, another theme that is presented throughout the show is the idea that the Lord has a plan for all of us.  Every time something seems to be going wrong (like, having to move to Bethlehem, not being able to find a proper place to stay, or even having to tell her beloved Joseph that she is expecting), Mary says one phrase over and over again.  It is "All flesh is in His hands." I loved this thought!  The thought that our Heavenly Father is holding onto us, that He is helping us have the experiences we are suppose to have.  Never would I have hoped or wished for Joshua to have passed away, but never would I give up the experience now that it has happened.  Joshua brings me closer to God every day and the more I look to God and Christ, the more I realize that we are learning what we need to learn in order to become who we are meant to become.  "All flesh is in His hands."


Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful messages in this show!  But, needless to say, there is so much power that comes when truth is testified.

How grateful I am for this glorious gospel!  What peace it brings to my soul to contemplate the great Plan of Salvation!  No words can express how I feel about my Savior and what He has done for me and my entire family.  I am working each day to live my life in accordance with His commandments because I love Him and want to live with Him someday.  It is because of Him, I will have all my children around me someday.

Today, I will be taking some time to read some scriptures regarding the promises of the resurrection.  I hope each of you will take a few minutes to read and ponder some of you favorite scriptures about the Savior in honor of my little Joshua.  May you find peace and hope in those words like I do.



*For more information about the production of "Savior of the World", visit here.
**For more information about our Savior, Jesus Christ, visit here.

I have, for obvious reasons, thought a lot about these very topics over the past year. (in fact...it was one year ago last week that we had our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and found out about his heart conditions)  I really do feel like there have been a lot of blessings that have come into our life because of our experience with Joshua, especially our relationship with God.  We had to make a choice early on last year;  the choice was between drawing on our faith in God and trusting Him or turning our back on God and just being angry at Him.  I tried the angry thing for about 1 hour and knew I couldn't handle that.  So, trusting in Him was the only option and I have never looked back.

Now, 1 year after our journey with Joshua began, almost 8 months since he was born, and 5 1/2 months since he past away, I can look back and see the blessings and tender mercies more clearly. God has been with our family every step of this journey and I have no doubt that He will continue to be with our family forever.  We are stronger people because of our little Joshua.

Another dear friend of mine and fellow angel mom posted this music video on her facebook page yesterday.  This beautiful song was exactly what I have been thinking about for a long time.  I love how Hillary Weeks does not down play the difficulty of our situations.  What we have to go through is hard and it is ok to want it to be gone.  But, how wonderful it is to see where we end up when we can finally have the eyes to recognize our change.  Our trials truly do become a "Beautiful Heartbreak".

First of all...let's get this out right now...I am NOT pregnant.  However, I wanted to write this post because this is a very real thing I am dealing with right now.

Tim and I have always wanted to have a large family and that has not changed since loosing baby Joshua.  If anything, I feel an even stronger desire to have more children.  No, I don't think having another baby will take away the ache of not having Joshua.  However, I know there are more children that are meant to be a part of our family and I want to see them and have them with me. 

With all that said, you can image that there are a few things that make me nervous about having another baby (whenever that happens).

1) The 20 week ultrasound: It may sound silly, but I already have HUGE anxiety about that 20 week scan. That is where everything started with Joshua-where we found out there were heart issues.  The day that should have been all excitement about finding out we were having boy #2 turned into a day of wondering what we were getting into.  Really, I think the entire first half of the pregnancy will be worrying about what they will find. 

2)  What if they missed something-Even if everything looks great at the 20 week ultrasound, I really think the rest of the pregnancy will be hard wondering if they missed something.  Many heart defects are hard to see on the 20 week ultrasound and many parents don't find out about them until the baby is born.  Fortunately, I think we will be able to get multiple ultrasounds, but it will always be a worry.

3) Having another boy:  As wonderful as it would be to have another boy, it really makes me nervous to do a boy again. Putting away all the boy clothes after Joshua passed away was one of the hardest things I had to do that week after the funeral.  Packing up all the clothes Joshua would have worn if he had survived was very difficult.  I think it would be really nice to have a little girl and just avoid that all together...at least for now. I know I would work through whatever comes.   I know it is all a mental thing, but it is still very real to me.

4) Nights: Joshua passed away while we were all sleeping.  I know that it will take a lot of mental strength to be able to put my baby to sleep at night and be able to sleep myself. Man, my heart beat got faster just thinking about it... 

All in all, however, I think I will be excited when the time comes to add to our family again.  I know that it will happen when the Lord feels we are ready and when we will need it.  Also, I know the Lord will be there, like He always is, to help us through whatever happens.

Today, I heard of the passing of another little baby.  It was not a heart baby and was actually a good friend of a family member.  I have met the family a few times in my life, but it has been years and I really don't know them very well.  However, talking to my family member today about it, I couldn't help but feel the ache in my heart for this sweet mother and her family. 

Tomorrow, I am going to be watching the kids for my family members so they can attend the funeral.  There really is nothing anyone can say or do, but I remember how wonderful it was to be surrounded by the people I loved during Joshua's funeral.  I hope this mom can find strength by having her good friends there and I feel so blessed to be able to help that happen, even in such a simple way. 

I can't believe how much it hurts me to hear of another family having to go through the heartache of loosing a child.  A lot of the ache I felt going through it returns to the surface along with the ache that anyone else has to feel that pain.  It would not be something I would wish on anyone.  

I hope everyone will say a little extra prayer for this sweet family.  They are burying the baby they never got to meet and that they were so excited to welcome into their home.  Pray that they will feel her sweet presence every day. 

I have pondered the events of that day and the message from Elder Wirthin in this video.  It truly was one of, if not the, darkest day in the history of the world.  In fact, the whole earth mourned the loss of it's Savior.  I can't help but think about how often we have to go through dark times.  I have had days since Joshua has passed that have felt dark...just sad and missing him so much I thought my heart was going to burst.  I am definitely living out a time in my life that I would consider one of my "Fridays".

I can't help but think of Mary (the Mother of Jesus).  Oh, how I think about her and wish I could have given her a big hug on that Friday.    Sure, she probably had been taught it would happen.  Sure, she probably had a testimony of the Savior's role in the Plan of Salvation.  But she had lost her son in a brutal and awful way...and it just hurts a lot.

But Easter Sunday came!  I can only imagine Mary's emotions took a complete 180 when she found out about Christ's resurrection. Jesus Christ broke the bands of death...but for her, she had her son back.

Yes...I may be living in a time of my life that I would consider a "Friday".  But all I can do to stay above the turmoil in my heart is to ponder and have faith that Sunday will indeed come.  I will, just like Mary, be able to embrace my little boy again.  I will, because of my Savior, have my whole family together someday.

Good Friday was a day of darkness...the darkest of all days.  But it was proceeded by the most glorious just a few days later.  May we all enjoy pondering the blessed events of that marvelous weekend.



 

Learn more about our Savior (His life, mission, and what it means for you) by clicking here

One more week until Easter.  This year, Easter has become so much more to me than just a holiday with candy and bunnies.  The meaning behind these celebrations rings more clear and more meaningful than ever before.  We celebrate the resurrection of our Savior and all the blessings that come with it.  Oh, what joy fills my soul when I ponder this great truth: Our Savior Lives.

In this month's issue of the Ensign, one of the leaders of the church (President Henry B. Eyring) shares his simple and powerful testimony of this great event.  One paragraph stood out to me:

Because Jesus Christ broke the bands of death, all of the children of Heavenly Father born into the world will be resurrected in a body that will never die. So my testimony and yours of that glorious truth can take away the sting of the loss of a beloved family member or friend and replace it with joyful anticipation and firm determination.

It is because of my Savior that there is any hope.  It is because of my Savior that I feel any peace.  It is because of my Savior that we will all be resurrected and death's power is overcome.  It is because of my Savior that I have reason to rejoice.

As we approach the blessed holiday of Easter next Sunday, I hope each of you will take a few minutes to ponder the blessed truth of the resurrection and our Savior's role in our life. I can't wait to see my little Joshua again and for my whole family to be together again.


To read the full article, click here.
For more information on the doctrine of the Plan of Salvation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints, click here.

This weekend, Tim and I were able to attend two wedding- in other words, two new eternal families began. It was wonderful.

On Friday, we attended the reception of one of our youth that we used to teach in Sunday school. As we walked into the reception and saw her glowing face, I couldn't help but think about my own wedding. Boy, we had no idea what journey we were about to embark on or how important it really was that we were married in the temple. I looked at this beautiful bride and hoped they would keep the gospel close to their hearts as life began. As the trials of life started, I hope they will come to realize just how blessed they really are to have an eternal family because they got married in the temple.

Our wedding almost 5 years ago.

Also, we were able to attend the sealing of one of Tim's really good friend yesterday. Oh, what a perfect thing for a grieving mother's heart!!! I loved witnessing the start of an eternal marriage! It was such a good reminder of the eternal perspective.

The beautiful couple as they start their own eternal family.

Oh, sweet is the peace the gospel brings!! I still ache to have my little boy here, but going to the temple yesterday, I am reminded that I have reason to rejoice!! "Oh, death, where is they sting?" It is definitely muted because of our Savior and His gospel. Jesus Christ has made it possible for me to hold my precious boy again and for us all to live together as an eternal family. When I ponder these eternal truths, the ache in my heart turns to a burning of peace and joy. Only the power of truth being testified could do that to a grieving mother's heart.

The Mount Timpanogas Temple

Oh, what a wonderful way to spend a weekend!! Oh, what a beautiful reminder of how wonderful our Heavenly Father's Plan of Salvation really is! Oh, how blessed will be the day when I will, I WILL, see Joshua again. Oh, how wonderful that I have an eternal family.

I have felt a strong urge over the past few weeks to study the gospel more.  Reading my scriptures was never something that was so easy for me, but recently, I feel like I can't get enough of it.  Not only does it bring the spirit to my heart, making me feel more at peace with everything, but I really do see the Plan of Salvation in everything and it makes me more hopeful that I will see Joshua again.


I have started reading this book as part of my study: The Infinite Atonement, by Tad R. Callister. I am so excited to dive deeper into this vital doctrine.  As I was reading the first few chapters of this book, I was struck by one of his paragraphs: "Every attempt to reflect upon the Atonement, to study it, to embrace it, to express appreciation for it, however small or feeble it may be, will kindle the fires of faith and work its miracle towards a more Christlike life.  It is an inescapable consequence of so doing.  We become like those things we habitually love and admire.  And thus, as we study Christ's life and live his teachings, we become more like him."

I am so excited to come closer to Christ by increasing my study of the Atonement.  I know that I need to keep living my life as faithful as I can so I can live with my Joshua again.

What are some of the ways you study the gospel, or get closer to your God?  Do you have a favorite scripture or book that you return to a lot?

I have said it before to many people and even on this blog post...Time has become a very strange thing to me all of the sudden.  Since Joshua's passing, I find myself with another "time issue,"...filling up my time again.

Really, during Joshua's 2 1/2 months of life, I did very little but take care of him and think about him.  Even our little Logan didn't get much of our time because Joshua really did require so much!  We would spend our whole day at the hospital...and sometimes even slept there!  I lived and breathed Joshua and all that came with him.  Now, he is being taken care of by others in heaven, I find myself in a strange place...how to fill my time.

It is even more funny when I think about my life before Joshua was here.  I thought I was SO BUSY....and yet, here I am with basically the same responsibilities and I feel like I have so much time on my hands...which just gives me too much time to think.  I also find that things I thought were important before are not as important any more.  I don't want to waste my life on things that are not going to matter.

So, with all these thoughts in my head, I attended a stake Relief Society meeting on Thursday night.  I wasn't sure I was going to go...these types of gatherings are still difficult sometimes, but I really felt like I needed to be there.  They did some break out sessions for different topics.  I was still very unsure which classes I was going to attend.  When they started explaining what classes were offered, I was struck as I looked at one of the speakers and knew I needed to go to her class.  I wasn't sure why, but go I did...

Turns out, this sweet sister was a fellow Angel Mom...she had lost her sweet son just over a year ago.  She spent the 30 minutes she had explaining so many feelings and experiences that I am having right now.  She talked about what is really important...like our relationship with our Heavenly Father, our families, and ourselves.

I know for a fact that Heavenly Father prompted me to go to that meeting.  As I figure out my life without Joshua on earth, I hope the Lord can help me figure out how to make the important things a priority.  I want to constantly work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I want to keep my family strong. I want to keep Joshua's mission and spirit alive.  I want my time to be filled with the things that matter...and I feel so grateful that Joshua has given me the perspective I need to make that happen.

I'm sure there will be more posts on this topic.  I have a feeling this will be a life-long pursuit.   The speaker at the meeting shared this perfect Mormon Message that explains my goals perfectly.  I love how the prophet Thomas S. Monson summarizes what we should be doing with our time. May we all review our life and make sure we are focusing on the things that matter most.
  

 Dear Joshua-
Today is your 3 month birthday. Days like today are some of the hardest to have you gone.  I think about what we might have been doing with you...maybe you would have passed your swallow study and we would be working on bottle feeds.  Maybe we would have met with early intervention and start helping you lift up your head.  Maybe you would be smiling more.  But, most of all, your spirit would be radiating just as strongly.

Joshua, that is what I miss the most right now...your sweet spirit.  Whenever I was with you, I couldn't help but feel the Lord with us.  I remember that more than ever now that I don't have it.  Suddenly, I have to do what everyone else has to do to feel the Savior near...I have to read my scriptures, say my prayer, and really work a little harder.  However, I find myself thriving on these things...because it is when the spirit of the Lord is with me, I feel your presence as well.  I am working extra hard now, Joshua, to stay in tune with the Spirit so I can feel your presence.  I know you are always with me and I just need to keep doing the right so I can feel you.

I have made it a goal of mine, Joshua, to help others feels your sweet spirit even though you are gone. You changed so many lives and I feel driven to keep changing lives with your spirit that lingers.  I hope you will help me as I figure out the best way to reach those that would benefit most by knowing you.

I love you, sweet boy.  I think about you every day.  Happy 3 month birthday.

At Joshua's funeral, Tim and I both felt very strongly that we needed to speak.  We were the ones that knew Joshua best and we were the ones that had the most to say.  I wanted to share the words that I spoke at the funeral.  I am grateful I have them written down because on the hard days, I can read through the words and the spirit of the Lord brings back the peace that I felt when I first wrote them.

Joshua passed away on Wednesday, February 13. He was sleeping and he just slipped peacefully away.

Yesterday, we had the viewing. I was overcome with how many wonderful people came and even more that mentioned to me that they couldn't come, but would have been if other things weren't in the way. His little spirit touched so many lives.

Today is the funeral. Sometimes, I think to myself "I can't believe I am burying my baby." It is just such a surreal thing and something no one ever imagines ever having I do.

I am so grateful for the short time that we had with Joshua. What an amazing experience we had with him. I am so grateful that I will have him to raise in the millennium and that he will be the extra motivation I need to live my life in such a way that I can be with him again.

Day of the Surgery

It is hard to describe the feelings we had this day.  We woke up having slept amazingly well--at least for parents that had a son going into surgery the next day.  The preparations of surgery started the night before with a sanitation bath and another one in the morning.  Joshua's last feed before the surgery occurred at 3 AM.  More tests were performed and his IV was inserted at 4 AM.  Around 7:15 AM, he went down for an echocardiogram.  In this echo, we discovered his vein was closing even more--another confirmation that we made the right decision.  He came back to the room around 8 AM.

Stephanie's parents met up with us shortly after that.  Many heart moms have told us that they wish they would have gotten a picture of their baby without the heart scar.  Because of this, we decided to take many pictures of Joshua.  Emily brought Logan and we continued to take pictures as a family and got the snapshots we wanted.  Logan was not thrilled to be a part of it.  Another special moment before surgery was the opportunity I had to bless Joshua with the power of God.  I will never forget this moment and experience that I had to bless my child before his major heart surgery.

Check out that cute body.

The whole family the morning of surgery.

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Stephanie's parents made it down from Boise after driving all night.

The time came quickly when it was time to take our precious one to the OR.  Stephanie carried him in our arms as we tried to hold back tears and avoid the thoughts of what may come.  At 10:10, we kissed our little guy one last time before handing him over to Dr. Pribble--the anesthesiologist.  We watched him take Joshua down the hall and into the room.  We stood there and cried for a few minutes then slowly made our way down to the waiting room.  After observing how empty the OR waiting room is on Sunday, we made our way up to our 3rd floor room to where Stephanie's parents were.  At 10:30, we attended the sacrament service here in the hospital.

The sacrament service was a great place to be.  We had just barely left our son to be operated on and our emotions were very tender.  The opening song, "The Spirit of God" got me teary eyed.  My eyes were not going to dry up for the rest of the meeting.  I believe Stephanie was in the same boat.  The Spirit was strong during the meeting and a great source of comfort and peace came over us.  John 14:27 doesn't lie!

Throughout the operation, we received the following updates:

11:30 AM--The prep work was completed.  Joshua was sedated and all the necessary IV's, tubes, and other prep work was completed.  Also, the first incision was made.

1:25 PM--He was not yet on the bypass machine.  Dr. Burch (the surgeon) was working on the BT shunt.  Everything up to that point was going well.

3:22 PM--He was now on the bypass machine and had been for about an hour.  Dr. Burch was done with the shunt and was working on the pulmonary veins.  Everything was going well.

5:24 PM--Dr. Burch was done with the complicated procedures.  He was putting in some draining tubes, ensuring that there wasn't any internal bleeding.  Also, they were about to start a post-op echo via the throat.  In this echo, they would be able to see the back of the heart and ensure there isn't anything wrong.

5:54 PM--The post-op echo looks good.  They will watch him over the next 1.5-2 hours for any signs of negative affects of the procedures.  They continued to look for any bleeding as well.  Everything looked good at this point.  Also, the chest would most likely remain open for a couple days. (With packing gauze on top of the open chest)

7:00 PM--All is done and Dr. Burch will be out shortly to speak with us.

7:15 PM--We met with Dr. Burch.  He looked very exhausted and he seemed in good spirits on how things went.  He explained more in detail on exactly what was done during the procedure.  He also gave us a shunt that is like the one in Joshua's chest.  Dr. Burch went with a 4.0 mm shunt, which is slightly bigger than most shunts they do.  His hope is that it will help promote greater growth in the native pulmonary artery.  The larger size shunt also allows Joshua more time before he outgrows the shunt.

8:25 PM--We were taken into the CICU and saw Joshua for the first time after his surgery.  He looked really good!  He had a lot of tubes and IV's coming out of his chest, arms, and legs, which was a bit hard to see.  We did like the little tux vest that he had on though!  (It was actually the packing gauze over his chest, but it looks like a vest)

During the night, they had to do a 12-point EKG-which looked CRAZY!  Talk about a lot of wires and tubes!

We spent quite a bit of time with him that night and I slept in the sleep room the hospital provided us that night.  Stephanie went to Mark and Barbara's house to spend the night with Logan and her parents.
 
All in all, our joy is full!  Ammon said it best in Alma 26:8;16;35.  No matter how the recovery road goes, we are grateful to our Heavenly Father for being with Joshua through the surgery. 

I have wanted to type a little about Joshua's name and how we ended up choosing it.  Actually, the name Joshua was one that Tim and I talked about long before we even had Logan.  You know, those conversations you have when you are thinking about the future and just having a good time.  We knew that our first son's middle name would be Timothy, after Dad, and it was just too convenient that both our fathers' names were Kent, so we decided that would be the middle name of our second son.  Honestly, at the time I was pregnant with Logan, I liked the name Joshua better, but Logan sounded better with Timothy, so that is what we used first.

As I look back now, I think the Lord was intervening.  Logan's name fits him so perfectly and I know it was meant to be his name.  The same with Joshua.

After we found out about Joshua's condition, I struggled with whether Joshua was the right name for him.  Suddenly, the meaning became much more important to me.  I wanted something that would reflect the fighter in him.  I knew he was going to need to be a fighter to get through everything he would need to go through and I wanted a name that would reflect that.  Up until the day he was born, I was still unsure if Joshua really was the name for my special son.  However, I could not find something that fit, so I went with it.

That first day after Joshua arrived, my mother in law made a very interesting observation that told me the Lord was with us the whole time when choosing this name.  She commented on how appropriate it was that we would use the name of the prophet that the Lord spoke these words to: "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."  Even in his short little life, we have seen that the Lord has never left little Joshua.  He is constantly there, helping him and strengthening him and us. 

Also, I have come to understand that the meaning of the name Joshua fits right into this theme.  The name "Joshua" means "God rescues" or "Jehovah is Salvation."  Our little son is a fighter, but he is made strong because he has his Heavenly Father on his side.  Our entire family has felt the strengthening power of the Lord through everything and I know He will continue to be there.  Joshua's name will be a constant reminder of our Savior's love for us, even during the hardest of times...no...especially during those times.