Saturday, August 17, 2013

Baby #3 is Coming Soon

The news is finally public.  We are expecting Baby Ipson #3 to make his/her appearance sometime around February 10, 2014.  Right now, I am almost 15 weeks along.  

For many obvious reasons, you can imagine my emotions over the past few months have been all over the place.  Of course I am excited, but there is a lot of anxiety over what is to come.  That 20 week ultrasound looms in the future and just makes my stomach feel like it is in knots.  My brain goes crazy knowing that there are some families who have had multiple children with heart defects in the world, even though the doctors keep telling me the statistics are small for it to happen again.  Every child changes families...even healthy ones...but now I know just how drastic a change can happen...and change is just a little scary to me right now.  

To be honest, the day I took the pregnancy test, I was pretty emotional.  I knew in my head that we would be having more children, but I just don't think my heart was quite ready to accept it. I was just getting settled into this new normal and now everything was going to mix up again.  Then, I got onto the computer and calculated when my due date would be...February 10...just 3 days shy of Joshua's 1 year anniversary of his angel day.  How on earth would my heart be able to handle all the emotions of that week and handle the emotions of bringing a new baby into the world?  

On top of all of the emotions, morning sickness and exhaustion took over my physical health.  This has definitely been the hardest 1st trimester of all three pregnancies I have had.  I think part of it is because I have been through an emotional roller coaster the past year, plus this is two years in a row that I have now been pregnant.  Physically, this has been a really difficult one. Needless to say, it has been hard to feel the excitement when all these other things are taking over. 

However, as time continued forward, I have gotten more used to the idea.  Actually, my heart really can't wait to meet this little baby.  I find myself wondering about the delivery day...mostly about the first time I hold him/her.  I honestly can't wait for that moment.  Also, the more that I have pondered it, the more I realize how important my children are to me.  My family brings me so much joy.  I just think about how vital my little Logan boy has been for helping my heart heal.  I can only imagine that my future children will help that even more, even though there will always be a place in my heart waiting to see Joshua again.  Yes, the Lord knew what He was doing when He sent this new little spirit to us. I know that this baby will bring so much joy and happiness.  I know that our lives will change, but no matter what that change is, the Lord will be able to pour His blessings on our family through those changes.  

So, our journey of life moves forward.  Even though it is MUCH sooner than I had planned in my head, I know that the Lord is in charge.  The Lord has been with us 100% of the time through everything so far and I know He will continue to be with us as we move forward to this next chapter. 
Thursday, August 1, 2013

Another Sleepless Night

I got very little sleep last night.  I had a nightmare and woke up at about 2am and could not get back to sleep.  Finally, around 6am, my body crashed, only to be woken up an hour later by a very excited toddler who was ready to play.  Needless to say, it has been a long day.

Last night reminded me of the many sleepless nights I had during the first few months after Joshua passed away.  I sat down many times to blog about them, but they were very hard to write about.  They were some of the darkest times of this whole experience and I just did not want to rehash it all. I finally had been able to get it all out one day a few months ago, but I was still afraid to share it.  I feel better now about it and I want others to know that this could be something they experience after loosing a loved one.  It is normal to have a hard time at night.

Post written almost two months after Joshua past away:

I have talked to a few moms now who have lost children and I have noticed one common thread in all our grieving journeys...there is always at least one (if not more) things that we don't want to share with others or that takes a long time to feel like we can.  For some, it is memories.  For others, precious pictures.  For me...I have been afraid to talk about some of the things that I face at night.

I'm not really sure why I haven't been able to post about this...I haven't really had problems posting anything else.  But, honestly, I have begun probably 3-4 different posts over the past 7 weeks and just couldn't bring myself to type the words.  Maybe part of me worried that it would get worse when I typed them...maybe I didn't want people to feel sorry for me...maybe I just didn't want to go over it all again during the day knowing I would likely have to face these images and feelings once the sun went down.

Now, the nights are getting a little easier, so I am trying again.  For me, nights have been the hardest.  It is the time when the world goes to sleep and I am left with my thoughts.  There are two main things that make the nights difficult-

1) Reliving the morning he passed away:  These images still haunt me every once in a while.  It is the closest thing I can imagine having PTSD. The images of that stressful morning would literally haunt my mind.  All the adrenaline would start pumping through my body, I would see Tim doing CPR, I would relive running through the halls of the ER and turning the corner into the room and see Joshua's lifeless body on the table.  Seeing his face-it looked the same as it did when he first came of out surgery...but this time, there were no machines or medicines keeping him alive.  I would find myself awake at 4am, realizing it was the time it all started, and my body would start to shake.  There were some nights I couldn't keep my hands from shaking...let alone close my eyes and rest.

There has only been one thing that seemed to have helped these nightmares. Some may find it strange...actually, I still do a little.  I have to sleep with the blanket he passed away in.  I know...it sounds crazy...but it was the last place his spirit was and I feel his calming touch when I hold it.  I can hold it and remember the wonderful times of holding him...the happy, wonderful memories fill my mind and I can settle down.

2) Worrying something else bad might happen.  Before Joshua passed away, I would find peace in the idea that "oh, those bad things won't happen to us."  You know, the things we all worry about-house fires, break ins-but worst of all that something would happen to my other child. However, once something bad happen to me, I realized I am not immune to bad things.  I have found myself checking the fire alarms at 3am because I can't shake the feeling that there is going to be a fire and we aren't going to wake up.  I would get up 3-4 different times to check that the door and windows are locked.  I have checked on Logan more times in the past 7 weeks than I think I have in his whole life.  I have even broken my own rule and let him sleep with us multiple nights simply because I can't settle knowing something could happen to him in the other room and we wouldn't know about it. 

So, now it is all out in the open.  I can honestly say that these night really don't happen any more.  I have figured out some ways to get the thoughts out of my head from that awful morning.  I still use the blanket, but I also read my scripture and also close my eyes and see his beautiful eyes and imagine kissing his soft cheeks.  Sometimes I even pull out some pictures of him and me so I can have those memories in the front of my mind instead of the ones I want to forget.

As for the fear of something bad happening, all I can do is make sure I am prepared.  I have put new batteries in the fire alarms.  I lock all the windows and doors at night.  I check on Logan right before I go to sleep and give him lots of kisses.  But mostly, I pray a lot.  I know that as long as the Lord is with me, we can handle anything much easier.  

<a href="http://abrokenheartandcontritespirit.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fFBnbQw6_z8/UUzA-HPVQPI/AAAAAAAAH7I/k-O9jlm_Q18/s1600/Button.jpg" /></a>
Joshua Kent Ipson was born December 1, 2012 with a very complicated combination of congenital heart defects. After 2 1/2 months of fighting for his life, he passed away on February 13, 2013. We invite you to share our experiences as we grieve his loss, rejoice in God's plan, & keep Joshua's message of hope alive.
Powered by Blogger.

The source of all my hope and peace

Search This Blog

Popular Posts