(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: 

I was sitting at my kitchen table this morning with my toddler.  I had that weird sensation of having gone back in time...but there was another strange feeling as well.  Was our whole experience with Joshua just a dream? 

I think it is because Joshua really was only here for such a short amount of time.  The more time that passes since Joshua died, the more I realize how short a time he was here.  The amount of space in my memory bank that is required is so little...there was just not a lot of time to remember.  It really does have the same effect as remembering a dream.

Also, I think it goes back to how strange it was to go back to the life I was living before Joshua was born.  Nothing changed much (except me and Tim).  The people are the same, my house is the same, the neighborhood is the same, our errands are the same...there is just this dream-like experience of having a perfect spirit in our life for two months stuck in the middle of these two seemingly identical realities.

However, the more I think about it, I can remember things that you don't have in dreams: the touch of his cheeks, the feel of his breathing, the look in his eyes right before he smiled.  These were real and definitely NOT a dream. 


When I get in this state of mind, I find it very helpful to look at this picture.  I am so grateful for this moment caught on camera...a moment frozen in time.  I stare at it for a while and then close my eyes and remember it all.  I am looking into Joshua's eyes and gently stroking his cheeks.  I remember Logan running around and Tim trying to settle him.  I remember the photographer.  But really, it was all about me and Joshua.  I cling to this memory so tightly because it reminds me that it wasn't a dream.  Joshua was real and he is waiting for me and the rest of our family to join him on the other side...someday. 

A few days ago, my husband and I were getting all of our information together so we can get our taxes done.  We have them done by a family member and they like to get them done early.

Anyway, I pulled out my calendar from last year to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything for mileage for my business.  I was struck hard as I realized what a completely different person I was last year.  Things that were so important to me before I just can't even imagine spending my time doing.  I went through the calendar week by week and I saw things like "Ultrasound appointment, 3:30pm" on July 25 (the appointment we found out about Joshua's heart conditions), "Dr. Schemmer, 1:30" (Our perinatalogist...specialized OB that would help with the delivery), "Dr. Su-Echotest, 9AM" (Cardiology and one of many fetal echos we had done."  By far, the hardest was seeing December 4 say "Scheduled Induction, be at hospital by 7AM"...we never made it to that day, but it was a reminder of Joshua's birth and the beginning of his earthly mission.

I was so incredibly emotional as I went through this calendar.  I felt like these events were centuries ago....sometimes it felt like a whole different lifetime.  I guess I was emotional because I am still trying to figure out my new normal, and it is not an easy transition. 

I have said it before to many people and even on this blog post...Time has become a very strange thing to me all of the sudden.  Since Joshua's passing, I find myself with another "time issue,"...filling up my time again.

Really, during Joshua's 2 1/2 months of life, I did very little but take care of him and think about him.  Even our little Logan didn't get much of our time because Joshua really did require so much!  We would spend our whole day at the hospital...and sometimes even slept there!  I lived and breathed Joshua and all that came with him.  Now, he is being taken care of by others in heaven, I find myself in a strange place...how to fill my time.

It is even more funny when I think about my life before Joshua was here.  I thought I was SO BUSY....and yet, here I am with basically the same responsibilities and I feel like I have so much time on my hands...which just gives me too much time to think.  I also find that things I thought were important before are not as important any more.  I don't want to waste my life on things that are not going to matter.

So, with all these thoughts in my head, I attended a stake Relief Society meeting on Thursday night.  I wasn't sure I was going to go...these types of gatherings are still difficult sometimes, but I really felt like I needed to be there.  They did some break out sessions for different topics.  I was still very unsure which classes I was going to attend.  When they started explaining what classes were offered, I was struck as I looked at one of the speakers and knew I needed to go to her class.  I wasn't sure why, but go I did...

Turns out, this sweet sister was a fellow Angel Mom...she had lost her sweet son just over a year ago.  She spent the 30 minutes she had explaining so many feelings and experiences that I am having right now.  She talked about what is really important...like our relationship with our Heavenly Father, our families, and ourselves.

I know for a fact that Heavenly Father prompted me to go to that meeting.  As I figure out my life without Joshua on earth, I hope the Lord can help me figure out how to make the important things a priority.  I want to constantly work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I want to keep my family strong. I want to keep Joshua's mission and spirit alive.  I want my time to be filled with the things that matter...and I feel so grateful that Joshua has given me the perspective I need to make that happen.

I'm sure there will be more posts on this topic.  I have a feeling this will be a life-long pursuit.   The speaker at the meeting shared this perfect Mormon Message that explains my goals perfectly.  I love how the prophet Thomas S. Monson summarizes what we should be doing with our time. May we all review our life and make sure we are focusing on the things that matter most.
  

Everyone has had those experiences with time that just seem strange.  You know the ones I mean....the morning you wake up and you KNOW it is a Tuesday, but you could have sworn it was Friday already...or that moment you look at the clock and expect it to say 2pm and it is really 5pm and you better start thinking about making dinner...or you look at the calendar and it says it is the 28th and you wonder where the last 2 weeks went. Time really is a funny thing.


It has been one week since Joshua passed away.  Only seven days since that crazy morning.  As I think about all that has happened, I can hardly believe we fit it all into seven day.  Not only did we plan and complete his funeral, all the family that has come and gone, and all the cleaning and straightening out we have done, but all the emotional changes I have gone through.  I think about how I was emotionally 7 days ago, I can't believe how much better I am doing already.  It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is...but it feels like it has been so much longer than a week.

Another funny thing about time:  I have had a lot of people ask me how I am doing and feeling and the only way I can explain it is that I feel like I am going back in time...back in time before we had Joshua.  Suddenly, I am able to do all the things I was doing before...we can go to the library whenever we want, I can run to the store without worrying about an oxygen tank and feeding tube, and it is just me and Logan again while dad is at work.  It really does feel like I have gone back in time, but I am a completely different person.  Joshua really did change me as a person.  I feel closer to my Savior. I am finding myself worrying less about things that are just not important any more.  I hug and kiss Logan a lot more.  Really, I have gone back in time, but it is not the same.

It got me thinking about how often we complain about the stage of life we are in...or complain about wanting to go back to another time.  After the last few days, I would not recommend it.  I have thought so many times that I would love to go back and do my freshman year of college again.  I thought about how nice it would be to have my wedding again.  So many times, I have heard people talk about "the good old days."  In reality, we should all just be happy with where we are in life and be grateful that time keeps moving forward.  Each day, we change just a little bit.  The Lord has given us experiences in the order we need them to happen.  It feels so much better to be moving forward with life, to be growing and experiencing new things.  That is the natural thing to do.  I hope we can all be grateful for the things we have experienced, learn from the past, and look forward to the future.