I was sitting at my kitchen table this morning with my toddler.  I had that weird sensation of having gone back in time...but there was another strange feeling as well.  Was our whole experience with Joshua just a dream? 

I think it is because Joshua really was only here for such a short amount of time.  The more time that passes since Joshua died, the more I realize how short a time he was here.  The amount of space in my memory bank that is required is so little...there was just not a lot of time to remember.  It really does have the same effect as remembering a dream.

Also, I think it goes back to how strange it was to go back to the life I was living before Joshua was born.  Nothing changed much (except me and Tim).  The people are the same, my house is the same, the neighborhood is the same, our errands are the same...there is just this dream-like experience of having a perfect spirit in our life for two months stuck in the middle of these two seemingly identical realities.

However, the more I think about it, I can remember things that you don't have in dreams: the touch of his cheeks, the feel of his breathing, the look in his eyes right before he smiled.  These were real and definitely NOT a dream. 


When I get in this state of mind, I find it very helpful to look at this picture.  I am so grateful for this moment caught on camera...a moment frozen in time.  I stare at it for a while and then close my eyes and remember it all.  I am looking into Joshua's eyes and gently stroking his cheeks.  I remember Logan running around and Tim trying to settle him.  I remember the photographer.  But really, it was all about me and Joshua.  I cling to this memory so tightly because it reminds me that it wasn't a dream.  Joshua was real and he is waiting for me and the rest of our family to join him on the other side...someday.