This week, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend my husband's sweet cousin's baby shower.  I am so excited for them!  This is their first baby and I know they are going to be wonderful parents.  I had to go and make sure they knew how thrilled I was for them! I was, however, very nervous about going as well.  This was the first time I would be surrounded by baby things...and everyone would be talking about babies.  I knew it would be hard, so I braced myself for what might be a difficult evening.

Needless to say, I was very happy that I made it through the evening pretty well.  I was able to laugh, make good conversation, and even answer all the "how are you doing" questions.  All in all, I was pretty happy.

I did have a few moments that were a little difficult.  One of the main one was at the very beginning of the night.  I was able to go with my two sister in laws, who both had children last year.  The babies are a few months older than Joshua was and I have never had a problem being around them...it has been the really little babies that have been harder to be around.  However, this was the first time I saw these kids together...the group of cousins that Joshua would have been growing up with.  I realized last night that they would be a constant reminder of Joshua not being here.  I will watch them grow up and realize where Joshua would be in his life if he were still here.  Man...I don't know why I never thought of that.  As I walked in behind my two sister in laws carrying their baby seats, I was very aware of mine not being there...knowing there should be. It was a reminder of my arms being empty.

However, when I was talking with my mom about it later (and getting a good cry in), she made a comment that I have thought a lot about.  She said that  that every bit of time that passes in this life gets me closer to the moment I will see Joshua again.  What a wonderful way to think about it.  There is nothing I can do about not having him with me now, but I can look forward to the time that I will see him again.  I can watch those precious cousins and use that as a gauge for how much time has passed and how we are getting closer and closer to that blessed day when I will hold him again.

This experience was just another example of my new normal...the normal that includes these reminders of my Joshua not being here.  But, there will always be an underlying tone of peace and hope...knowing we are getting closer and closer to seeing him again.