I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true:  time is a strange thing.  Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.


We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine.  Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time).  We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job.  We have started to figure out our new normal.

I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be.  Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to).  I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it.  Today, I let myself go.  At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua.  He would just nod, as if he completely understood.  Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.

It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer.  But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months.  We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home.  Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope.  Our little Joshua is a part of something grand.  Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.

Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that.  My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be.  I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.

I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua.  I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.

Today, I heard of the passing of another little baby.  It was not a heart baby and was actually a good friend of a family member.  I have met the family a few times in my life, but it has been years and I really don't know them very well.  However, talking to my family member today about it, I couldn't help but feel the ache in my heart for this sweet mother and her family. 

Tomorrow, I am going to be watching the kids for my family members so they can attend the funeral.  There really is nothing anyone can say or do, but I remember how wonderful it was to be surrounded by the people I loved during Joshua's funeral.  I hope this mom can find strength by having her good friends there and I feel so blessed to be able to help that happen, even in such a simple way. 

I can't believe how much it hurts me to hear of another family having to go through the heartache of loosing a child.  A lot of the ache I felt going through it returns to the surface along with the ache that anyone else has to feel that pain.  It would not be something I would wish on anyone.  

I hope everyone will say a little extra prayer for this sweet family.  They are burying the baby they never got to meet and that they were so excited to welcome into their home.  Pray that they will feel her sweet presence every day. 

Have you ever dealt with cracked knuckles, hands, or feet?  You know, really dry spots that suddenly crack and bleed?  Well, I suffer from a skin condition called psoriasis and if I am not diligent in keeping lotion on multiple times a day (which am very poor at), I most likely will have a crack on my hands.  If you have never had this, I can tell you from experience that these cracks are extremely difficult to heal.  They have to be moisturized consistently for many days and then it can takes multiple days after that for the wound to heal up. 

Probably one of the most annoying parts of these cracks is that they mostly happen in places that they can get bumped.  Why does this matter?  Because they can be very close to being totally healed, you knock it against the wall, and it pops open again.  Suddenly, you are starting the entire process all over again to get it healed. 


I am discovering that healing the wounds of a broken heart work in a very similar fashion.  When Joshua passed away, my heart was cracked wide open and I started the slow, continuous process of trying to close up that wound.  Over the past 2 months, I have seen signs that the process is slowly working.  The time between the sad or hard days are getting farther and farther apart.  Then, I have experiences like last night that remind me just how easy it is for that wound to be knocked wide open.

I went to a church meeting to listen to some of the leaders of our local congregation.  Overall, the meeting was extremely uplifting and wonderful.  However, there was one speaker that shared his experience of his 5th child being born with a congenital heart defect.  He specifically talked about the time the child spent in the hospital and how difficult it was to balance the time with his other 4 children.  All the feelings of guilt, stress and being torn between the hospital and Logan came rushing back.  But it didn't end there.  He continued to share the experience of a family friend loosing their little toddler in a horrible accident.  The part of her story that hurt the most was when she talked about not being able to get the image of her lifeless son out of her mind.  It hit just too close to home with my experience and I lost it.

So, there I was, in a church filled to capacity with people and I had my breakdown.  The tears started to flood and my body started to shake.  Fortunately, I was able to keep it pretty quiet, so I don't think I was disturbing too many people trying to listen.  But, I tried very hard to get my emotions in check quickly and it was just not going to happen.  It took a good 20 minutes to stop the tears and even longer to stop shaking.  I contemplated leaving the room, but I thought that would bring more attention to me, so I just stayed in my seat. 

Once I was done crying, I thought to myself, "Wow...I was not ready for that," and I really wasn't.  Heck, I didn't even have a tissue!  I am realizing more and more the fragility of a broken heart and just how easy it is for the wounds to open up.  It is a wound that requires lots of tender love and care and even then, it can open unexpectedly.  I guess I just need to learn to expect the unexpected, although, I just don't know if I will ever be able to expect it.  I need to start carrying around some tissue and hopefully next time I will be able to handle it with a little more grace. 

I have had a few opportunities over the past few weeks to ponder what our attitudes should be while we are going through a difficult time. So often, during hard times, we are told to find the lesson we are suppose to learn or be grateful for the trials we have because they make us into who we are suppose to be.

Now, I would be the first person to tell you that trials and hardships can and mostly are gifts wrapped in unattractive paper. However, I will also be the first to tell you that it is not all warm fuzzys to have to go through something hard.

So, with all this on my mind, I couldn't help but think about all the information I received about the grieving process. While there are many views on the topic, there was always something similar in every philosophy: allow yourself time to feel sad, frustrated, and/or angry. This is not only understandable, it is healthy in order to eventually discover your new normal.

I think this principle holds true for any difficult trial we have to go through. Are you having a hard time finding a job? It's ok to be frustrated. Are your children pushing your buttons more and more? It's ok to get angry. Does it sometimes feel like you are the only person in the world who could possibly understand what you are going through? It is ok to feel lonely.

What is important in all of this is to not let yourself be consumed by these emotions. In fact, I think they give you something to put at the feet of Christ. We can get on our hands and knees and pray for The Lord to carry some of the burden. And you know what? He will. I have experienced the lightness of my burdens lifted over the past months especially.

Very few people I know feel thankful for their trial when they are going through them. And, lets be honest, no matter how much you learned, most people don't want to go through that hard time again. And you know what...that is ok.

When you are ready, give your burdens over to our Savior. As the speaker at our luncheon said, "If you are going through hell, don't build a house there." Allow yourself to be frustrated, angry, discouraged, frightened, and sad. When you are ready, give your burdens to The Lord. Until then, give yourself permission to feel. It is part of mortality.

Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

According to the definition on google, a reality check is "an occasion on which one is reminded of the state of things in the real world". It seems funny to me that reality checks would happen to me, even almost 2 months after Joshua's passing, but they do and a big one happened to me today. I've decided I don't really like them very much. 


We were blessed to be able to use a government program to help us out while Joshua was with us.  They provided the breast pump for free and provided us with some basic necessity for food as well.  We were so grateful for the extra help during the difficult time.  Today, I had an appointment with them to reevaluate our status.  Well, as I was getting the paper work together for said appointment, I realized something...we probably no longer qualify.

Why, you ask, would this be a hard realization?  I promise, it was not because I was disappointed we wouldn't have the benefits anymore.  Honestly, we really don't need them now.  However, the program determines eligibility based on the number of people in the family and how much you make.  The more people you have, the more you are able to make and still qualify.  Well, we are no longer a family of 4, but a family of 3. This make it so we no longer qualify for the program.

Fortunately, I figured this out before I went to the appointment...honestly, I don't think I could have handled that realization very well in public.  But, I did have to make the very awkward phone call.  "Hi, this is really awkward, but when we started the program, we were a family of 4.  My little baby actually passed away and we are only a family of 3 now."  Yeah...awkward...for both me and the poor lady on the other end of the line.  I was really grateful with how calm and collected she stayed.  It helped me be able to hold back my tears until I hung up the phone.  

Now, I know Joshua will always be a part of our family, but it really hurt to have that reminder of him being gone. No one should go from being a family of 4 to a family of 3...it just shouldn't go that direction. Also, it is hard to think that according to the world, I only have 1 child.  Really, I will always count Joshua, but the government and society will always be missing one.  It was just another reality check...a reminder of how it is in the real world...my new normal.

This week, I have been preparing for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To do this, I have been reviewing some of the past addresses given.  I wanted to share of these talks with you.

This man, Elder Bowen, gives a very candid account of his experience with loosing his little boy after he aspirates a piece of chalk.  I really appreciate this discussion because he talks about how difficult it was.  Sometimes, I feel like people expect you to be "ok" when you loose a loved one because you have a belief in the afterlife.  However, just because I know I will see little Joshua again, it does not make it any easier to not have him here with me.  I love this quote from his talk:




I look forward to this weekend when we will hear more wonderful messages from the leaders of our church.

(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: 

I have pondered the events of that day and the message from Elder Wirthin in this video.  It truly was one of, if not the, darkest day in the history of the world.  In fact, the whole earth mourned the loss of it's Savior.  I can't help but think about how often we have to go through dark times.  I have had days since Joshua has passed that have felt dark...just sad and missing him so much I thought my heart was going to burst.  I am definitely living out a time in my life that I would consider one of my "Fridays".

I can't help but think of Mary (the Mother of Jesus).  Oh, how I think about her and wish I could have given her a big hug on that Friday.    Sure, she probably had been taught it would happen.  Sure, she probably had a testimony of the Savior's role in the Plan of Salvation.  But she had lost her son in a brutal and awful way...and it just hurts a lot.

But Easter Sunday came!  I can only imagine Mary's emotions took a complete 180 when she found out about Christ's resurrection. Jesus Christ broke the bands of death...but for her, she had her son back.

Yes...I may be living in a time of my life that I would consider a "Friday".  But all I can do to stay above the turmoil in my heart is to ponder and have faith that Sunday will indeed come.  I will, just like Mary, be able to embrace my little boy again.  I will, because of my Savior, have my whole family together someday.

Good Friday was a day of darkness...the darkest of all days.  But it was proceeded by the most glorious just a few days later.  May we all enjoy pondering the blessed events of that marvelous weekend.



 

Learn more about our Savior (His life, mission, and what it means for you) by clicking here

I was sitting at my kitchen table this morning with my toddler.  I had that weird sensation of having gone back in time...but there was another strange feeling as well.  Was our whole experience with Joshua just a dream? 

I think it is because Joshua really was only here for such a short amount of time.  The more time that passes since Joshua died, the more I realize how short a time he was here.  The amount of space in my memory bank that is required is so little...there was just not a lot of time to remember.  It really does have the same effect as remembering a dream.

Also, I think it goes back to how strange it was to go back to the life I was living before Joshua was born.  Nothing changed much (except me and Tim).  The people are the same, my house is the same, the neighborhood is the same, our errands are the same...there is just this dream-like experience of having a perfect spirit in our life for two months stuck in the middle of these two seemingly identical realities.

However, the more I think about it, I can remember things that you don't have in dreams: the touch of his cheeks, the feel of his breathing, the look in his eyes right before he smiled.  These were real and definitely NOT a dream. 


When I get in this state of mind, I find it very helpful to look at this picture.  I am so grateful for this moment caught on camera...a moment frozen in time.  I stare at it for a while and then close my eyes and remember it all.  I am looking into Joshua's eyes and gently stroking his cheeks.  I remember Logan running around and Tim trying to settle him.  I remember the photographer.  But really, it was all about me and Joshua.  I cling to this memory so tightly because it reminds me that it wasn't a dream.  Joshua was real and he is waiting for me and the rest of our family to join him on the other side...someday. 

This week, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend my husband's sweet cousin's baby shower.  I am so excited for them!  This is their first baby and I know they are going to be wonderful parents.  I had to go and make sure they knew how thrilled I was for them! I was, however, very nervous about going as well.  This was the first time I would be surrounded by baby things...and everyone would be talking about babies.  I knew it would be hard, so I braced myself for what might be a difficult evening.

Needless to say, I was very happy that I made it through the evening pretty well.  I was able to laugh, make good conversation, and even answer all the "how are you doing" questions.  All in all, I was pretty happy.

I did have a few moments that were a little difficult.  One of the main one was at the very beginning of the night.  I was able to go with my two sister in laws, who both had children last year.  The babies are a few months older than Joshua was and I have never had a problem being around them...it has been the really little babies that have been harder to be around.  However, this was the first time I saw these kids together...the group of cousins that Joshua would have been growing up with.  I realized last night that they would be a constant reminder of Joshua not being here.  I will watch them grow up and realize where Joshua would be in his life if he were still here.  Man...I don't know why I never thought of that.  As I walked in behind my two sister in laws carrying their baby seats, I was very aware of mine not being there...knowing there should be. It was a reminder of my arms being empty.

However, when I was talking with my mom about it later (and getting a good cry in), she made a comment that I have thought a lot about.  She said that  that every bit of time that passes in this life gets me closer to the moment I will see Joshua again.  What a wonderful way to think about it.  There is nothing I can do about not having him with me now, but I can look forward to the time that I will see him again.  I can watch those precious cousins and use that as a gauge for how much time has passed and how we are getting closer and closer to that blessed day when I will hold him again.

This experience was just another example of my new normal...the normal that includes these reminders of my Joshua not being here.  But, there will always be an underlying tone of peace and hope...knowing we are getting closer and closer to seeing him again.

Today, Logan really wanted to watch the "Josh movie."  It is the slideshow that the mortuary put together for us for the viewing and Logan LOVES watching it.  I usually do pretty well when we watch it, but today, it was not so easy.  Today, I felt the ache in my heart again and my arms felt very empty.

Grief is a really funny things sometimes.  Just when you think you are "getting over it,"  it hits you again when you least expect it.  This is why I think people say one never really gets over loosing a child.  I think the time between each "episode" gets longer and longer, they ever completely go away. 

I have been thinking about why God created this thing called Grief.  If we really are going to see our loved ones again and they really are in a better place, why do we have to go through this thing called grief? After much pondering, I have come to the conclusion that grief is a manifestation of the love we have for the person who is gone.  We grieve because we miss them.  We grieve because we want them close.  We grieve because they are not in our presence anymore.  We greive because we loved them. 

Once I thought about that, I find the process of grieving a little more tolerable.  I loved Joshua so much and my life is better because he was here.  I have these sad days because I loved him so much.  It makes me feel a little better about this hard thing called "grief". 

Last night, I received a call around 9:30 PM.  It was a guy that asked if I was the father/legal guardian of Joshua Ipson.  After confirming I was, he proceeded to ask if it were ok to ask a few questions regarding our Mountain View Hospital experience.  It was supposed to be a 5 minute survey.

I hesitated a little bit about the survey, but decided to proceed in taking it.  After all, it was only going to take 5 minutes.  He asked a few questions.  After two minutes, I realized how these questions were starting to take me back to the emotions of that morning.  He then asked, "If needed, would we decide to take the patient (Joshua) back to the ER again at Mountain View Hospital?"  This is when it occurred to me that he didn't know that Joshua died that morning.  I explained that many of the questions were hard to answer because Joshua passed away that morning of our ER visit.  He ended the survey at that point, mentioning that rest of the questions were insensitive and considering the circumstances, it would be best to end the survey.  He wished his condolences and then hung up.  

It was directly after the survey that I started to think about the date and that we were exactly 1 month out from that memorable night.  Stephanie and I spent the rest of that night tossing and turning as we thought back to that dreadful morning.  At 4:25 AM, I lay in bed thinking back to the time when the doctor officially said, "Stop the compressions.  Time of death at 4:25 AM."

Although it was a rough night, Stephanie and I had a pretty good day.  Overall, we stayed pretty busy with work, a lunch outing with a friend to McDonald's, a relief society activity, and a boys outing to the park to play disc golf.  One thing Joshua taught us was to treasure the moments.  As I reflect on the past month and the outings we've had with Logan, the time we spent with him seems more real.  More one on one.  More meaningful.  We will always remember Joshua for helping us realize how to live and treasure in the moment!

I never thought I would say this during this time in my life, but we just got a check for being beneficiaries of a life insurance policy.  It was just a small policy, so the money wasn't a huge amount, but it was just another strange reminder of what we have gone through.

A few days ago, my husband and I were getting all of our information together so we can get our taxes done.  We have them done by a family member and they like to get them done early.

Anyway, I pulled out my calendar from last year to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything for mileage for my business.  I was struck hard as I realized what a completely different person I was last year.  Things that were so important to me before I just can't even imagine spending my time doing.  I went through the calendar week by week and I saw things like "Ultrasound appointment, 3:30pm" on July 25 (the appointment we found out about Joshua's heart conditions), "Dr. Schemmer, 1:30" (Our perinatalogist...specialized OB that would help with the delivery), "Dr. Su-Echotest, 9AM" (Cardiology and one of many fetal echos we had done."  By far, the hardest was seeing December 4 say "Scheduled Induction, be at hospital by 7AM"...we never made it to that day, but it was a reminder of Joshua's birth and the beginning of his earthly mission.

I was so incredibly emotional as I went through this calendar.  I felt like these events were centuries ago....sometimes it felt like a whole different lifetime.  I guess I was emotional because I am still trying to figure out my new normal, and it is not an easy transition. 

We all had the experience as a kid with missing our mom or dad.  You know...that first sleep over or that first summer camp.  You knew, deep down, you would see her once the event was over, but in the moment, you just want your mom...and you are sad she isn't there right then.

Today, that is how I feel about Joshua.  I know that I will see him again and I will be able to raise him someday. My testimony of the gospel is so powerful and I am so grateful for that knowledge. Honestly, I can't imagine what it would be like to loose a child without the peace the gospel brings. But today, I just wanted him here. I wanted to hold him and kiss him.  I wanted to look into his eyes and see his smile.  I want to hear his cry again. I just wanted to snuggle him today...and it was really hard not having him here.

I feel like these days are ok to have every once in a while.  It is only natural to miss someone when they are not close.  I will just pull out his little blanket and snuggle that for now...and let the Savior comfort me and help me know that Joshua is close in spirit.

I love you, Joshua...just know that you are missed down here on earth. 

I just spent the last hour reading through Stephanie's posts over the last 2 1/2 weeks.  Even after a few weeks, the whole experience is so fresh in my mind and I was tearing about 59 of the 60 minutes.

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend that attended Joshua's funeral.  He mentioned that as time goes on, some of the memories he's had with his two sons has started to fade.  As I look back on my life, I believe it!  At the funeral, my friend decided he wanted to write more experiences and memories down for future reading.  After talking to him, I realized I have not written any of my feelings, thoughts, and experiences down since I wrote the words I spoke at Joshua's funeral.  Although some of the experiences, thoughts, and feelings I have had recently are one's I don't think I'll ever forget, I think it is good for others to have access to them--especially Stephanie.  Over the next few weeks, I want to write my memories from the time we found out that Joshua had a heart defect to the current day.  Today, it'll be my feelings from his baby blessing.

Joshua was very influencial to me, my family, and to all those around him.  Stephanie depicted this influence well in her post on Friday, February 22, "Dear Joshua".  In this post, she shares the letter she wrote the night after Joshua passed away and the mission he completed in his short earthly life.  What a great tribute it was! On December 8, 2012, I took our little Joshua in my arms and gave him a blessing.  In the baby blessing, I blessed him that "he would serve a mission".  I had a strong feeling at the time that the 'mission' was not the typical Mormon mission.  After the blessing and knowing his condition, I always pondered what type of mission call he might have--would it be an unique mission on earth or on the other side of the veil?  What was it that the Lord had in plan for him?  All I knew was that the Spirit prompted me to say those words at that time.

While Joshua was in the hospital, I took Logan to our home ward in Spanish Fork.  In Sunday School, a sister in the ward shared an experience that a father and a mother once had:  They had a son on life support in the hospital.  They prayed to know God's will and whether to keep their son on life support.  Obviously, they wanted their son to live.  The answer from God came to them as the boy's father was giving him a blessing--if you desire him to stay a little longer on earth, then keep him on life support and he will survive; however, the boy has a special mission that he needs to complete on this side of the veil.  The parents decided to let their desires go and allow God to take their son from them to help Him accomplish His work.  This story impacted me hard.  I thought back to Joshua's blessing and felt a strong feeling that Joshua had a mission on the other side as well.  Whether it was fear of losing my son as well, I'm not sure.  However, the Spirit testified to me that Joshua had an important mission that he would complete.  I didn't know where or when.  Little did I know that Joshua was already half way through his short earthly mission.

There were several times throughout his short life that I thought about his blessing and the story from Sunday School.  I really didn't know how long our sweet Joshua would live.  I thought perhaps 2 years, one at the least.  The fear of losing my son and having to bury him pained me greatly.  Each time I thought about it, I would break down crying.  All that carried me on was Stephanie's support and knowing that God had a plan and that His will would determine how long we would be able to enjoy Joshua in our arms.

My fear of burying my son came true that Wednesday morning of February 13.  The pain was great and even more intense than when I had thought about it.  However, in the pain and anguish, there was an inner peace in my soul.  I let the Lord touch my heart and reflect on the great things Joshua did while he was here on earth.  He completed his earthly mission--to bring as many of God's children closer to Christ in the short period of time he was here on earth; which included his own father.  Although I miss him greatly, I am sure he has moved onto his other mission on the other side of the veil.  What he is doing right now, we don't know.  However, I know he has work to do and someday he will be able to tell us all about it.

On the way to the cemetery, our driver from the mortuary said, "I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but this week, there have been two other little children that have come into our mortuary.  I can't help but think that God must have a great work for all of them on the other side".  In our heart world, February was a difficult month--two of our ICU friends also lost their heart babies.  This makes me truly wonder the same thing as our driver:  Is the missionary work on the other side being strengthened just as it has been here on earth?  Someday we will be able to find that out.  Until then, we will always remember you Joshua and will try to keep your legacy alive!

I have said it before to many people and even on this blog post...Time has become a very strange thing to me all of the sudden.  Since Joshua's passing, I find myself with another "time issue,"...filling up my time again.

Really, during Joshua's 2 1/2 months of life, I did very little but take care of him and think about him.  Even our little Logan didn't get much of our time because Joshua really did require so much!  We would spend our whole day at the hospital...and sometimes even slept there!  I lived and breathed Joshua and all that came with him.  Now, he is being taken care of by others in heaven, I find myself in a strange place...how to fill my time.

It is even more funny when I think about my life before Joshua was here.  I thought I was SO BUSY....and yet, here I am with basically the same responsibilities and I feel like I have so much time on my hands...which just gives me too much time to think.  I also find that things I thought were important before are not as important any more.  I don't want to waste my life on things that are not going to matter.

So, with all these thoughts in my head, I attended a stake Relief Society meeting on Thursday night.  I wasn't sure I was going to go...these types of gatherings are still difficult sometimes, but I really felt like I needed to be there.  They did some break out sessions for different topics.  I was still very unsure which classes I was going to attend.  When they started explaining what classes were offered, I was struck as I looked at one of the speakers and knew I needed to go to her class.  I wasn't sure why, but go I did...

Turns out, this sweet sister was a fellow Angel Mom...she had lost her sweet son just over a year ago.  She spent the 30 minutes she had explaining so many feelings and experiences that I am having right now.  She talked about what is really important...like our relationship with our Heavenly Father, our families, and ourselves.

I know for a fact that Heavenly Father prompted me to go to that meeting.  As I figure out my life without Joshua on earth, I hope the Lord can help me figure out how to make the important things a priority.  I want to constantly work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I want to keep my family strong. I want to keep Joshua's mission and spirit alive.  I want my time to be filled with the things that matter...and I feel so grateful that Joshua has given me the perspective I need to make that happen.

I'm sure there will be more posts on this topic.  I have a feeling this will be a life-long pursuit.   The speaker at the meeting shared this perfect Mormon Message that explains my goals perfectly.  I love how the prophet Thomas S. Monson summarizes what we should be doing with our time. May we all review our life and make sure we are focusing on the things that matter most.
  

 Dear Joshua-
Today is your 3 month birthday. Days like today are some of the hardest to have you gone.  I think about what we might have been doing with you...maybe you would have passed your swallow study and we would be working on bottle feeds.  Maybe we would have met with early intervention and start helping you lift up your head.  Maybe you would be smiling more.  But, most of all, your spirit would be radiating just as strongly.

Joshua, that is what I miss the most right now...your sweet spirit.  Whenever I was with you, I couldn't help but feel the Lord with us.  I remember that more than ever now that I don't have it.  Suddenly, I have to do what everyone else has to do to feel the Savior near...I have to read my scriptures, say my prayer, and really work a little harder.  However, I find myself thriving on these things...because it is when the spirit of the Lord is with me, I feel your presence as well.  I am working extra hard now, Joshua, to stay in tune with the Spirit so I can feel your presence.  I know you are always with me and I just need to keep doing the right so I can feel you.

I have made it a goal of mine, Joshua, to help others feels your sweet spirit even though you are gone. You changed so many lives and I feel driven to keep changing lives with your spirit that lingers.  I hope you will help me as I figure out the best way to reach those that would benefit most by knowing you.

I love you, sweet boy.  I think about you every day.  Happy 3 month birthday.

If you ever talk to a mom that has lost a child, you may have heard them talk about the constant ache in their chest/heart.  I have noticed this more and more as I try to get back to some sort of normal life.  Yesterday, that ache was especially noticeable.


Throughout the day, I would find myself stopping in the middle of a task and ask myself, "Why do I feel like I have a little heartburn," and milliseconds later, I would remember Joshua and realize it is my heart aching for him.  It really does feel like a weird form of heart burn.  Or, I guess it is more like that feeling you have right before you start to cry, but it is constant and I am literally having to learn to live my life with it.

I have heard other "angel moms" say that this ache does get a little less intrusive, but it never really goes away.  Even then, apparently it will come out of no where and just take your breath away.  I have those moments a lot right.  One day, Logan found a piece of medical tape that had somehow gotten in the couch.  I had to recover for a minute as that ache basically punched me in the stomach from seeing that reminder of little Joshua.  Or, when I had to give Logan some Tylenol and I pulled out the medicine syringe.  I couldn't help but think about all the medications we had to give Joshua and the punch in the stomach happens again. It really does happen when I least expect it and it usually takes me a few seconds to recover.

There are other days that my whole body just feels heavy.  It is like the ache in my heart is radiating to the limbs of my body and everything feels harder to move. These are the days I find myself praying a LOT.  If I think too much or dwell too much on missing Joshua, the day can go downhill fast. These are the days I take extra time to study my scriptures and learn more about the spirit world and raising children in the millennium.  These gospel truths are what keep me hopeful and from falling into darkness.  These are also the days that Heavenly Father testifies these truths so strongly.

I don't know if I see much change with the ache from day to day yet.  However, if I compare how it was a week ago, I can tell it is getting a little better...or, at least, I am getting better at living with it.