I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true:  time is a strange thing.  Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.


We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine.  Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time).  We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job.  We have started to figure out our new normal.

I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be.  Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to).  I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it.  Today, I let myself go.  At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua.  He would just nod, as if he completely understood.  Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.

It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer.  But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months.  We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home.  Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope.  Our little Joshua is a part of something grand.  Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.

Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that.  My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be.  I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.

I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua.  I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.

Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

Being in and out of the hospital, your house tends to be neglected. We were only home for a few days at a time and when he had to go back to the hospital, we usually only had a little bit of time to prepare.  We would throw things into bags and the rest of the house was left in shambles.  Needless to say, after 2 1/2 months of that, our little apartment was in sad shape.  

The Monday after the funeral, Tim and I both had this incredible urge to clean house...big time. It would be the start of the new chapter in our life and we wanted a clean, fresh start. We were blessed to have both our mothers in town and we put them to work (thanks, moms!!).  We hit every room in the house, starting with our bedroom.

Our bedroom was probably the room in the worst shape.  It was the room we could throw everything into and close the door to the public.  We took down the bassinet (which Joshua only slept in maybe 3 times...but it was still hard), we cleared out all the medical supplies Joshua used (oxygen tubing, syringes, medical tape, etc.) and got them ready to give away to other heart families we knew, and we rearranged our furniture.  We made a stack of papers to file away and started our memory box of Joshua.  It felt good to give everything a place and to have our room as a safe haven once more.

A bunch of medical supplies we were organizing from our bedroom.  TONS of syringes, lotion and soap from the hospital, the pinks bins from the hospital, and we had to decide what to keep and what to give away.

More boxes of medical supplies.  It was amazing to all of us how much stuff was required for little Joshua.  My mom was impressed that we knew what all of it was called and used for ;)

More piles of stuff to organize.  We even gave this heirloom chair to a cousin! (That was a big step for my sweet husband)

The piles of stuff on my dresser.  Pleased to say it is all gone!

 The kitchen and spare room were next on the list.  My sweet mother-in-law went through every cupboard in the kitchen and wiped them all out.  We threw away what we didn't use and cleared out the fridge.  Everything got disinfected and wiped down.

I was too embarrassed to post before pictures of this room.  Lets just say it is amazing you can see any of the floor!  Also, if any of you are interested in that sewing machine desk, let me know...we are trying to find a new home for it because, heaven knows I don't know what to do with a sewing machine :)

 We also did the linen closet...or the "catch all" closest, since it was such a disaster.  We had so much expired medications and so many things just stuffed in there.  There was no way we would know for sure what was in there.  We took a huge bag of medications to the police department (they will dispose of them properly...don't just throw them away!) and got the whole closet very user-friendly.  

Cleaning out the linen closet.  That box is full of expired medications and the white bag is more garbage.  We also had a bag full of DI stuff from this closet as well

But look how wonderful it looks now!  I love it :)

We did the same thing in the bathroom...believe it or not, this is the cupboard under the sink in our bathroom!  I have never seen so little in that cupboard!

By far, the hardest room was Logan's room.  It was where I kept all the baby clothes, toys, and regular baby supplies.  I had pulled out all the baby clothes through 6 months and it just felt wrong to put them all away at once.  Normally, you would slowly put away clothes as your child grew out of them, but here I was, putting everything away all at once.  It was a reminder of things I will never be able to do with Joshua in mortality.  Never get to celebrate a birthday, never get to see him outgrow a size and move on to the next one. Never see him sit in the bumbo chair and learn to sit up on his own.  My heart ached so much and the tears flowed freely.  However, with every box we filled, I found myself healing just a little...Joshua was there with me telling me it would be all right.  Joshua wanted me to move on...to start thinking about the future.

Finally, we did the living room.  We did some serious rearranging in this room because I wanted a wall to put our family pictures on.  It was a MESS for a while, but I LOVE how everything turned out.  In the end, we probably threw away 6 large garbage bag full of garbage, a full recycle bin full of stuff, and many trips to DI.  My mom said it best when she said, "It is like you guys are getting ready to move, but you get to enjoy it without the moving part!" 

In the middle of the purge...what a mess!!

This is what we got after all of that.  My beautiful bookshelf.

Our new TV stand from Ikea.  It changes the whole look of the room and I LOVE IT! Thanks so my amazing husband for putting it together :)

My family picture wall.

Displaying some of the flowers from the funeral.

 As we start the next chapter of our life, the reorganizing of our apartment was the perfect beginning.  We felt ready to face the challenge of life without Joshua and to begin living our life more perfectly so we can live with him again someday.