I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true:  time is a strange thing.  Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.


We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine.  Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time).  We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job.  We have started to figure out our new normal.

I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be.  Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to).  I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it.  Today, I let myself go.  At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua.  He would just nod, as if he completely understood.  Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.

It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer.  But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months.  We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home.  Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope.  Our little Joshua is a part of something grand.  Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.

Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that.  My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be.  I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.

I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua.  I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.

My little Logan boy and I just spent a wonderful week in Idaho with some of my family. This was the first time I have been able to get away on a trip since Joshua's passing and I think it was really good for me. 

At first, I was a little nervous, believe it or not.  As I was driving there, I realized the last time I was in Idaho was with baby Joshua.  We were able to spend a wonderful Christmas with my family and all the memories of that trip came rushing back.  However, I was surprised when I walked into the house, I had a calm, peaceful feeling.  I love being at home.

We did a lot of really fun things! Including:

I just spent the last hour reading through Stephanie's posts over the last 2 1/2 weeks.  Even after a few weeks, the whole experience is so fresh in my mind and I was tearing about 59 of the 60 minutes.

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend that attended Joshua's funeral.  He mentioned that as time goes on, some of the memories he's had with his two sons has started to fade.  As I look back on my life, I believe it!  At the funeral, my friend decided he wanted to write more experiences and memories down for future reading.  After talking to him, I realized I have not written any of my feelings, thoughts, and experiences down since I wrote the words I spoke at Joshua's funeral.  Although some of the experiences, thoughts, and feelings I have had recently are one's I don't think I'll ever forget, I think it is good for others to have access to them--especially Stephanie.  Over the next few weeks, I want to write my memories from the time we found out that Joshua had a heart defect to the current day.  Today, it'll be my feelings from his baby blessing.

Joshua was very influencial to me, my family, and to all those around him.  Stephanie depicted this influence well in her post on Friday, February 22, "Dear Joshua".  In this post, she shares the letter she wrote the night after Joshua passed away and the mission he completed in his short earthly life.  What a great tribute it was! On December 8, 2012, I took our little Joshua in my arms and gave him a blessing.  In the baby blessing, I blessed him that "he would serve a mission".  I had a strong feeling at the time that the 'mission' was not the typical Mormon mission.  After the blessing and knowing his condition, I always pondered what type of mission call he might have--would it be an unique mission on earth or on the other side of the veil?  What was it that the Lord had in plan for him?  All I knew was that the Spirit prompted me to say those words at that time.

While Joshua was in the hospital, I took Logan to our home ward in Spanish Fork.  In Sunday School, a sister in the ward shared an experience that a father and a mother once had:  They had a son on life support in the hospital.  They prayed to know God's will and whether to keep their son on life support.  Obviously, they wanted their son to live.  The answer from God came to them as the boy's father was giving him a blessing--if you desire him to stay a little longer on earth, then keep him on life support and he will survive; however, the boy has a special mission that he needs to complete on this side of the veil.  The parents decided to let their desires go and allow God to take their son from them to help Him accomplish His work.  This story impacted me hard.  I thought back to Joshua's blessing and felt a strong feeling that Joshua had a mission on the other side as well.  Whether it was fear of losing my son as well, I'm not sure.  However, the Spirit testified to me that Joshua had an important mission that he would complete.  I didn't know where or when.  Little did I know that Joshua was already half way through his short earthly mission.

There were several times throughout his short life that I thought about his blessing and the story from Sunday School.  I really didn't know how long our sweet Joshua would live.  I thought perhaps 2 years, one at the least.  The fear of losing my son and having to bury him pained me greatly.  Each time I thought about it, I would break down crying.  All that carried me on was Stephanie's support and knowing that God had a plan and that His will would determine how long we would be able to enjoy Joshua in our arms.

My fear of burying my son came true that Wednesday morning of February 13.  The pain was great and even more intense than when I had thought about it.  However, in the pain and anguish, there was an inner peace in my soul.  I let the Lord touch my heart and reflect on the great things Joshua did while he was here on earth.  He completed his earthly mission--to bring as many of God's children closer to Christ in the short period of time he was here on earth; which included his own father.  Although I miss him greatly, I am sure he has moved onto his other mission on the other side of the veil.  What he is doing right now, we don't know.  However, I know he has work to do and someday he will be able to tell us all about it.

On the way to the cemetery, our driver from the mortuary said, "I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but this week, there have been two other little children that have come into our mortuary.  I can't help but think that God must have a great work for all of them on the other side".  In our heart world, February was a difficult month--two of our ICU friends also lost their heart babies.  This makes me truly wonder the same thing as our driver:  Is the missionary work on the other side being strengthened just as it has been here on earth?  Someday we will be able to find that out.  Until then, we will always remember you Joshua and will try to keep your legacy alive!