Wednesday, June 12, 2013
4 months tomorrow
I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true: time is a strange thing. Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.
We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine. Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time). We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job. We have started to figure out our new normal.
I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be. Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to). I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it. Today, I let myself go. At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua. He would just nod, as if he completely understood. Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.
It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer. But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months. We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home. Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope. Our little Joshua is a part of something grand. Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.
Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that. My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be. I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.
I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua. I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express. I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.
We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine. Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time). We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job. We have started to figure out our new normal.
I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be. Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to). I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it. Today, I let myself go. At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua. He would just nod, as if he completely understood. Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.
It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer. But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months. We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home. Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope. Our little Joshua is a part of something grand. Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.
Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that. My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be. I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.
I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua. I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express. I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.
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So touching & beautifully written. I am amazed by your strength and will continue to keep you in my prayers. ~Cammie
ReplyDeleteFour months. Wow. It seems like yesterday. I hope that Joshua can send a butterfly or another reminder from Heaven that he is closer than we know. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAnd then quickly it will be years, and you will wonder where have the years gone? My Lilly and Ryker will have been gone 7 and 6 years this October, and it is just mind-blowing to me. Those therapeutic cries are interesting. I have these moments, where I get sad, and can not pinpoint it, but I think it stems from my spirit and maybe even my physical body mourning and longing for those darling babies I miss so much. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteYou're probably going to be counting months for quite a while, and that's ok. I like Allison's idea of Joshua sending a butterfly to remind you of his presence. That is a really sweet thought. I'm sure he's with you all as much as he can be, even though he probably has a lot going on on his side of the veil. You are still in my thoughts and prayers often, and I'm glad you are having more good days than bad.
ReplyDeleteDear Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteYou do not know me, but I am your grandfather Bill's brother. I recently came across you blog about little Joshua. I know how you must feel as I lost my Stephanie (age 2 days) on September 19, 1979. She is still in my thoughts and prayers each day. A parent should not ave to bury their children. I am consoled by the knowledge that death is not the end but a transition to a better life and that there will be a time that we will be able to raise those children that have returned to Heavenly Father early.
May God bless you and your family during these trying times.