Wow...it has been a long time since I posted on this blog.  I can honestly say that life moves forward with our new normal.  Sometimes, when I think about it, it is absolutely crazy that my "life before Joshua" (as I like to call it) was just  2 1/2 years ago.  In many ways, it seems like it was forever ago...it has been forever since I held him and it seems like so much has happened.  But 2 1/2 years doesn't sound like a very long time when you say it! The way we experience time is a strange thing and something I continue to be baffled by. But, here we are!  2 1/2 years has come and gone!



Anyway, this past week, I had the marvelous opportunity to view a production of the show, "Savior of the World" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  What a glorious depiction of the events proceeding Christs birth and those that followed the Resurrection!  I got to see this show the Christmas after Joshua passed away and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to see it again so close to another milestone.  You see, the truths described in the show are, in fact, the truths that give me hope: that our Savior was born, that He died, and that He rose again from the grave!  That through Him, we can be together as a family forever!  That because of Him, I will hold my baby again!  Honestly, there is no better way to spend two hours of your time*!

This time seemed extra special to me because I met a new angel mom friend.  My parents and a couple of my siblings were in the show, so I had the opportunity to meet more of the cast members.  Turns out that the wonderful woman playing the part of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is a new angel mom.  She lost her sweet baby after he was born extremely early, right before the auditions for the show were to take place. When we met for the first time, all we did was give each other a hug and a bond was born.  No words needed to be said....we were special to each other because we knew the pain.  So, to hear her speak the truths in the show and to watch her hold that baby Jesus, it just made them all the more real and brought back very special feelings of my own.

A few parts in the show that were especially touchings:

1)  The main song in the whole show has different verses for different scenes.  During the scene of the tomb right after Christ is buried, the chorus sings these words:




2)  After Christ is resurrected, He visits with some of the disciples on the road to Emmaus.  After their experience, they are talking with each other about the joy they feel to have their Lord back with them again.  One of them asks something along the lines of, "How could we have been so sad?"  My thoughts with that line were that I can not wait to put the sadness behind me.  There will be a time when I ask myself how I could have been so sad because the joy will be so great! It will be a glorious time.

3) Along those same lines, the women that loved Jesus are talking together after their own visit with the Savior.  One says, "Our grief is gone!"  Another responds with, "No, changed.  Our grief has transformed into joy." You guys...when the Savior comes, our grief will transform into Joy!  I know it will!  What a blessed day it will be!

4) Finally, another theme that is presented throughout the show is the idea that the Lord has a plan for all of us.  Every time something seems to be going wrong (like, having to move to Bethlehem, not being able to find a proper place to stay, or even having to tell her beloved Joseph that she is expecting), Mary says one phrase over and over again.  It is "All flesh is in His hands." I loved this thought!  The thought that our Heavenly Father is holding onto us, that He is helping us have the experiences we are suppose to have.  Never would I have hoped or wished for Joshua to have passed away, but never would I give up the experience now that it has happened.  Joshua brings me closer to God every day and the more I look to God and Christ, the more I realize that we are learning what we need to learn in order to become who we are meant to become.  "All flesh is in His hands."


Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful messages in this show!  But, needless to say, there is so much power that comes when truth is testified.

How grateful I am for this glorious gospel!  What peace it brings to my soul to contemplate the great Plan of Salvation!  No words can express how I feel about my Savior and what He has done for me and my entire family.  I am working each day to live my life in accordance with His commandments because I love Him and want to live with Him someday.  It is because of Him, I will have all my children around me someday.

Today, I will be taking some time to read some scriptures regarding the promises of the resurrection.  I hope each of you will take a few minutes to read and ponder some of you favorite scriptures about the Savior in honor of my little Joshua.  May you find peace and hope in those words like I do.



*For more information about the production of "Savior of the World", visit here.
**For more information about our Savior, Jesus Christ, visit here.

As I prepped for this 4 month anniversary, I hoped that I would feel Joshua's presence throughout the day. In my post yesterday, I wrote "I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world,"  I wasn't sure how this would happen, but I really wanted one.
Well, one of my friends posted in the comments that maybe he would send a butterfly or some other reminder that he is around.  The idea made me smile, but didn't really think much more of it...

...Until we went to the park.  We spent a few hours at the park this morning and I saw two white butterflies.  But these were not just flying randomly; both butterflies flew right in front of my face. They came about 20 minutes apart.  When the second one came, I knew this was not a coincidence.  Joshua was there...enjoying the park right along with me and Logan.

I was happy with my little message from heaven, but Joshua wasn't done.  We spent the afternoon playing in a neighbor's pool.  Imagine my surprise when my neighbor said, "Wow, take a look at that HUGE butterfly!"  Sure enough, flying literally inches from where Logan was playing, was one of the biggest butterflies I have ever seen.  It must have had a wing span of 6 or 7 inches.  It circled around Logan's head and flew away.
As I told Tim about this, I said, "Maybe it was just a coincidence," but Tim quickly responded with, "No, that was Joshua.  He was saying hi!"  Some may think these butterflies were random, but I personally believe they were sent from Joshua.  He was reminding me that he is happy and he is still around.  He is working hard on the other side, but he took a few minutes to come give his mom a little hug from heaven.  The Lord continues to give tender mercies and we are truly blessed.

I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true:  time is a strange thing.  Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.


We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine.  Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time).  We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job.  We have started to figure out our new normal.

I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be.  Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to).  I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it.  Today, I let myself go.  At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua.  He would just nod, as if he completely understood.  Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.

It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer.  But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months.  We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home.  Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope.  Our little Joshua is a part of something grand.  Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.

Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that.  My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be.  I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.

I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua.  I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.

Joshua's 6 month birthday was this past Saturday. I was happy that I had a LOT going on that day and was able to get through it without too much thinking.

So, for those of you who follow this blog consistently, you have probably noticed how often there seems to be an "anniversary" for little Joshua.  Joshua was born on the 1st of December...so every 1st of the month is an anniversary.  Joshua passed away on the 13th of February...so two weeks after his birthday, we have his angel day. 

This alone has been a lot to handle, but lets add in the other holidays/anniversaries that have happened in between:  Easter, Mother's Day, designing the headstone, the headstone being placed, family trips, etc.  Basically, there have been a lot of days that remind me of him not being here....

Now, we have Memorial Day coming up.  Sometimes, I just feel drained with all the emotion that comes with these anniversaries/holidays.  I just don't know where it is going to come from this weekend. I guess we will just wait and see...

Dear Joshua-
Happy 5 months birthday.  5 months...wow...this time, it seems like it has been an eternity since that night you were born. Truly, it has to have been longer than that. 


I can't help but wonder what you would be doing right now if you were still here...and what our family would be doing.  I wonder if you would still have really chubby cheeks or if you would be thinning out a little. I wonder how much you would be taking at each feeding and maybe you would be close to having your feeding tube taken out...but probably not. :)  I wonder if you would be having good days that you didn't need much oxygen.  I wonder if you would be sleeping longer at night or if you would still be waking up every few hours.  

But really, it is getting harder for me to wonder what you would be doing developmentally.  You were so special and definitely did things at your own pace.  I have no idea what you would be doing.  We may still be working on helping you hold up your head.  We probably would still be working on your swallowing. (most likely, you probably wouldn't have even passed your swallow study, mister slow poke!) You just liked to take your time...
Joshua, things are getting a little better for me...but still hard at times.  As the time goes on, I am noticing that my memories are starting to fade, and that makes me so sad.  I cling to the ones that are still there and pull out your pictures all the time, hoping to rekindle those memories.  I am grateful I have your pictures, your clothes, your blankets, and this blog so I can remember you more clearly.

However, the one thing that still has never decreased is how much I feel your presence.  I know you are with our family, Joshua, and I know you are doing great things.  I wonder how the time feels to you.  Does it feel like an eternity since you laid in my arms or does it seem like just seconds with the eternal perspective you surely have? Either way, I hope you will keep your spirit close to me.  I love knowing you are near.  I need that. 

On Saturday, April 13, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Heart to Heart Luncheon put on by the Intermountain Healing Hearts group. Oh, what a blessing this event was to me!
I had debated for the two weeks prior if I really wanted to go.  I was really unsure if I would feel included...not because of the women (I knew they would welcome me with open arms), but because of my situation.  This was a group of women that were mostly still fighting their fight with congenital heart defects.  Most of them still had their little children and I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable.  I didn't want to be the mom there that represented everyone else's worst nightmare.  My baby was gone...and every other mom in that room had thought about that happening. I would be the reminder. However, I talked to a few other angel moms that had gone to the event in the past and they encouraged me to go, if I felt up to it.  They gave me a little bit of an idea of what to expect.  So, earlier in the week, I was ok with going.

Then, on Thursday, I made the realization that it would be the two month anniversary of Joshua's angel day and I started to panic again.  I was a little bit of a mess on the one month anniversary and I wasn't sure I wanted to have any breakdowns in public.  However, on Friday, I decided if I was going to have a breakdown in front of any group of people, this one would be the one to do it.

So, I woke up on Saturday with all the feelings of the anniversary as well as being completely nervous.  I changed my outfit twice (I wanted to be comfortable).  I was so grateful to be driving up with a dear friend and fellow heart mom.  At least I would have one person there with me.

Once I got there, I realized very quickly that I had nothing to be nervous about.  There were the other angel moms I had met and they all came up to me and gave me a hug.  Some even remembered the anniversary, which was more than I could ever ask for!  I also met a number of other wonderful heart moms that told me how they have read Joshua's story and they were so excited to meet me, which was so strange because I felt the same way about them!  The connection I felt with each of these women was so amazing.  It felt good to talk the medical talk again (feeding tubes, ICU, surgery, O2 sats, etc.).  It was so much a part of my life with Joshua and something I just don't do anymore.  I felt connected to Joshua and my love for this group grew by the minute.

The afternoon just got better with the speakers.  One of the angel moms spoke about the journey we all face and no matter where we are in our journey, we can draw support from each other.  She is one that I look up to so much and her words were perfect.  The next speaker was Tiffany Peterson, who is a professional inspirational speaker.  Two things stood out to me from her presentation:  (1) have your spiritual first aid kit ready to go. (scripture reading, prayers, etc.  Anything that helps you spiritually) Have these things ready for the moments you will need them most.  (2) When you are ready, take the time to think about your trial in life as a gift. Our adversity is a gift wrapped in unattractive paper. We can take the time to be sad, frustrated, mad, and disappointed, but when we are ready, we should take the chance to see the benefits of our situation. Along these same lines, she quoted her mother, "If you're going through hell, don't build a house there!"
There was a point where we all stood in a circle and linked arms. It was then, with that physical representation, that we all felt the strength that comes with many. This is a journey as a heart mom is rough, but I feel so blessed to be in the company of such amazing women. I felt the truth that our strength as a whole was greater than the sum if our individual parts. We are stronger when we depend on each other.

I'm so glad I went. It was the perfect place to be on that anniversary. Thank you to all the amazing women for the hard word and dedication taken to put this on. I feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: 

Last night, I received a call around 9:30 PM.  It was a guy that asked if I was the father/legal guardian of Joshua Ipson.  After confirming I was, he proceeded to ask if it were ok to ask a few questions regarding our Mountain View Hospital experience.  It was supposed to be a 5 minute survey.

I hesitated a little bit about the survey, but decided to proceed in taking it.  After all, it was only going to take 5 minutes.  He asked a few questions.  After two minutes, I realized how these questions were starting to take me back to the emotions of that morning.  He then asked, "If needed, would we decide to take the patient (Joshua) back to the ER again at Mountain View Hospital?"  This is when it occurred to me that he didn't know that Joshua died that morning.  I explained that many of the questions were hard to answer because Joshua passed away that morning of our ER visit.  He ended the survey at that point, mentioning that rest of the questions were insensitive and considering the circumstances, it would be best to end the survey.  He wished his condolences and then hung up.  

It was directly after the survey that I started to think about the date and that we were exactly 1 month out from that memorable night.  Stephanie and I spent the rest of that night tossing and turning as we thought back to that dreadful morning.  At 4:25 AM, I lay in bed thinking back to the time when the doctor officially said, "Stop the compressions.  Time of death at 4:25 AM."

Although it was a rough night, Stephanie and I had a pretty good day.  Overall, we stayed pretty busy with work, a lunch outing with a friend to McDonald's, a relief society activity, and a boys outing to the park to play disc golf.  One thing Joshua taught us was to treasure the moments.  As I reflect on the past month and the outings we've had with Logan, the time we spent with him seems more real.  More one on one.  More meaningful.  We will always remember Joshua for helping us realize how to live and treasure in the moment!

 Dear Joshua-
Today is your 3 month birthday. Days like today are some of the hardest to have you gone.  I think about what we might have been doing with you...maybe you would have passed your swallow study and we would be working on bottle feeds.  Maybe we would have met with early intervention and start helping you lift up your head.  Maybe you would be smiling more.  But, most of all, your spirit would be radiating just as strongly.

Joshua, that is what I miss the most right now...your sweet spirit.  Whenever I was with you, I couldn't help but feel the Lord with us.  I remember that more than ever now that I don't have it.  Suddenly, I have to do what everyone else has to do to feel the Savior near...I have to read my scriptures, say my prayer, and really work a little harder.  However, I find myself thriving on these things...because it is when the spirit of the Lord is with me, I feel your presence as well.  I am working extra hard now, Joshua, to stay in tune with the Spirit so I can feel your presence.  I know you are always with me and I just need to keep doing the right so I can feel you.

I have made it a goal of mine, Joshua, to help others feels your sweet spirit even though you are gone. You changed so many lives and I feel driven to keep changing lives with your spirit that lingers.  I hope you will help me as I figure out the best way to reach those that would benefit most by knowing you.

I love you, sweet boy.  I think about you every day.  Happy 3 month birthday.