Wednesday, May 1, 2013
5 Months old....
Dear Joshua-
Happy 5 months birthday. 5 months...wow...this time, it seems like it has been an eternity since that night you were born. Truly, it has to have been longer than that.
I can't help but wonder what you would be doing right now if you were still here...and what our family would be doing. I wonder if you would still have really chubby cheeks or if you would be thinning out a little. I wonder how much you would be taking at each feeding and maybe you would be close to having your feeding tube taken out...but probably not. :) I wonder if you would be having good days that you didn't need much oxygen. I wonder if you would be sleeping longer at night or if you would still be waking up every few hours.
But really, it is getting harder for me to wonder what you would be doing developmentally. You were so special and definitely did things at your own pace. I have no idea what you would be doing. We may still be working on helping you hold up your head. We probably would still be working on your swallowing. (most likely, you probably wouldn't have even passed your swallow study, mister slow poke!) You just liked to take your time...
Joshua, things are getting a little better for me...but still hard at times. As the time goes on, I am noticing that my memories are starting to fade, and that makes me so sad. I cling to the ones that are still there and pull out your pictures all the time, hoping to rekindle those memories. I am grateful I have your pictures, your clothes, your blankets, and this blog so I can remember you more clearly.
However, the one thing that still has never decreased is how much I feel your presence. I know you are with our family, Joshua, and I know you are doing great things. I wonder how the time feels to you. Does it feel like an eternity since you laid in my arms or does it seem like just seconds with the eternal perspective you surely have? Either way, I hope you will keep your spirit close to me. I love knowing you are near. I need that.
Happy 5 months birthday. 5 months...wow...this time, it seems like it has been an eternity since that night you were born. Truly, it has to have been longer than that.
I can't help but wonder what you would be doing right now if you were still here...and what our family would be doing. I wonder if you would still have really chubby cheeks or if you would be thinning out a little. I wonder how much you would be taking at each feeding and maybe you would be close to having your feeding tube taken out...but probably not. :) I wonder if you would be having good days that you didn't need much oxygen. I wonder if you would be sleeping longer at night or if you would still be waking up every few hours.
But really, it is getting harder for me to wonder what you would be doing developmentally. You were so special and definitely did things at your own pace. I have no idea what you would be doing. We may still be working on helping you hold up your head. We probably would still be working on your swallowing. (most likely, you probably wouldn't have even passed your swallow study, mister slow poke!) You just liked to take your time...
However, the one thing that still has never decreased is how much I feel your presence. I know you are with our family, Joshua, and I know you are doing great things. I wonder how the time feels to you. Does it feel like an eternity since you laid in my arms or does it seem like just seconds with the eternal perspective you surely have? Either way, I hope you will keep your spirit close to me. I love knowing you are near. I need that.
I love you, Joshua. Happy 5 month birthday.
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