Friday, May 3, 2013

Anxieties about another baby

First of all...let's get this out right now...I am NOT pregnant.  However, I wanted to write this post because this is a very real thing I am dealing with right now.

Tim and I have always wanted to have a large family and that has not changed since loosing baby Joshua.  If anything, I feel an even stronger desire to have more children.  No, I don't think having another baby will take away the ache of not having Joshua.  However, I know there are more children that are meant to be a part of our family and I want to see them and have them with me. 

With all that said, you can image that there are a few things that make me nervous about having another baby (whenever that happens).

1) The 20 week ultrasound: It may sound silly, but I already have HUGE anxiety about that 20 week scan. That is where everything started with Joshua-where we found out there were heart issues.  The day that should have been all excitement about finding out we were having boy #2 turned into a day of wondering what we were getting into.  Really, I think the entire first half of the pregnancy will be worrying about what they will find. 

2)  What if they missed something-Even if everything looks great at the 20 week ultrasound, I really think the rest of the pregnancy will be hard wondering if they missed something.  Many heart defects are hard to see on the 20 week ultrasound and many parents don't find out about them until the baby is born.  Fortunately, I think we will be able to get multiple ultrasounds, but it will always be a worry.

3) Having another boy:  As wonderful as it would be to have another boy, it really makes me nervous to do a boy again. Putting away all the boy clothes after Joshua passed away was one of the hardest things I had to do that week after the funeral.  Packing up all the clothes Joshua would have worn if he had survived was very difficult.  I think it would be really nice to have a little girl and just avoid that all together...at least for now. I know I would work through whatever comes.   I know it is all a mental thing, but it is still very real to me.

4) Nights: Joshua passed away while we were all sleeping.  I know that it will take a lot of mental strength to be able to put my baby to sleep at night and be able to sleep myself. Man, my heart beat got faster just thinking about it... 

All in all, however, I think I will be excited when the time comes to add to our family again.  I know that it will happen when the Lord feels we are ready and when we will need it.  Also, I know the Lord will be there, like He always is, to help us through whatever happens.

4 comments:

  1. Oh I know Heavenly Father is so proud of you and the tender desires of your heart. xoxo!

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  2. Those are all such real feelings. I can relate to many of them. It took me three years to be ready to have another baby and I really struggled with all of the unknowns. Kyle gave me a blessing and I just tried to find ways to deal with each emotion as it came. I was a wreck in the weeks leading up to our 20 week ultrasound and I don't think that I finally relaxed until after our fetal echo (plus I made sure that Miles had a full cardiac workup before leaving the hospital with him too!!). I found (and still find) that very small things will send me into reminders of where we were with Grant at that age as compared to his baby brother. I have been full of reflections as we approach Miles' first birthday because it is such a different feeling than I felt approaching Grant's first birthday. You and Tim will be guided by the spirit and comforted from Heaven as you approach the next stage of your family planning. I know that I will forever be different having experienced what it is like to have a wonderful medical baby. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the world of ultrasound ignorance, when all I cared about was finding out the gender. Just know that others understand what you are going through and can offer support as you and Tim continue to strengthen that wonderful family of yours. We love you guys!

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  3. Your emotions and anxieties are raw and real. Thank you so much for sharing and continuing to share through these experiences. I actually was thinking about how you'd tackle the "when the next baby is coming" or "trying to have another" when the time came. I know that you want to have more children and you will. Little girls bring on all sorts of different drama! You'd LOVE one. Ha ha!

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  4. I agree with the other comments: your feelings are completely valid. After a miscarriage, I was so nervous about everything while I was pregnant with Barrett. And even after a successful pregnancy and healthy baby, I still was (and am) nervous about each phase of this current pregnancy. I do know that blessings help. Brady has been such a support to me through it all and I know Tim will help you too. When the time is right, you'll know. And I think Heavenly Father will continue to support you too!

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Joshua Kent Ipson was born December 1, 2012 with a very complicated combination of congenital heart defects. After 2 1/2 months of fighting for his life, he passed away on February 13, 2013. We invite you to share our experiences as we grieve his loss, rejoice in God's plan, & keep Joshua's message of hope alive.
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