If you ever talk to a mom that has lost a child, you may have heard them talk about the constant ache in their chest/heart.  I have noticed this more and more as I try to get back to some sort of normal life.  Yesterday, that ache was especially noticeable.


Throughout the day, I would find myself stopping in the middle of a task and ask myself, "Why do I feel like I have a little heartburn," and milliseconds later, I would remember Joshua and realize it is my heart aching for him.  It really does feel like a weird form of heart burn.  Or, I guess it is more like that feeling you have right before you start to cry, but it is constant and I am literally having to learn to live my life with it.

I have heard other "angel moms" say that this ache does get a little less intrusive, but it never really goes away.  Even then, apparently it will come out of no where and just take your breath away.  I have those moments a lot right.  One day, Logan found a piece of medical tape that had somehow gotten in the couch.  I had to recover for a minute as that ache basically punched me in the stomach from seeing that reminder of little Joshua.  Or, when I had to give Logan some Tylenol and I pulled out the medicine syringe.  I couldn't help but think about all the medications we had to give Joshua and the punch in the stomach happens again. It really does happen when I least expect it and it usually takes me a few seconds to recover.

There are other days that my whole body just feels heavy.  It is like the ache in my heart is radiating to the limbs of my body and everything feels harder to move. These are the days I find myself praying a LOT.  If I think too much or dwell too much on missing Joshua, the day can go downhill fast. These are the days I take extra time to study my scriptures and learn more about the spirit world and raising children in the millennium.  These gospel truths are what keep me hopeful and from falling into darkness.  These are also the days that Heavenly Father testifies these truths so strongly.

I don't know if I see much change with the ache from day to day yet.  However, if I compare how it was a week ago, I can tell it is getting a little better...or, at least, I am getting better at living with it.