I was just thinking about this moment today...the moment I got to hold Joshua for the first time.  It was such an incredible moment...not only because I was holding my baby for the first time, but because it happened way sooner than I ever thought it would.  Since we had no idea what condition Joshua would be in after birth, we had prepared ourselves for a long time before we could hold our new son.  What a blessing it was that within an hour of his birth, we were holding him and we got to hold him a lot that first week he was in the hospital.

I remember telling Tim how crazy it was to see our baby with so many wires and tubes.  I laugh now because he ended up have WAY more on him at one time.  But, honestly, it didn't matter.  He was our boy and he seemed more than perfect to me, not matter what any doctor said.  I miss holding him and, man, I can't wait to hold that little man again. 

When you think of the story of Tarzan, you think about the unlikely love story between the "ape man" and the sophisticated Jane.  What we usually don't think about is the story of Kala, the "mother gorilla."Right at the beginning of the story, her seemingly perfect life of being married and having a baby, takes a tragic turn when her new little baby is killed.  She then finds Tarzan, now an orphan, and feels driven to care for him.  Why?  Because he fills an empty space in her heart.

Right after her baby dies, Kala sings these words: "No words describe a mother's tears.  No words can heal a broken heart."  Yep, this mother lost it in the middle of the audience...It didn't matter that a monkey was singing it.  The actress playing Kala captured the emotions so perfectly.  The desperation for something to fill the empty space, the constant ache, the need to have something to do.

Yes, I related all too well with Kala's tragic story.  I especially loved the next line of her song, "A dream is gone, but where there is hope, somewhere something is calling for you."  When Joshua died, there was the loss of a dream, at least in this life.  A lot of the things I morn are things that are never to be.  I morn for the birthdays that will never be celebrated with him.  I morn for the joy of seeing him walk for the first time.  I morn never seeing graduations, a wedding, and him having his own children.  Yes, a dream is gone.

But, there is definitely hope! Hope of finding who is calling for me.  Right now, it is my Logan boy. My other child and other future children give me hope.  Also, my Savior Jesus Christ gives me hope of having my whole family together again. 

So, lesson learned...think through the story line before seeing any movie or play in public.  And for goodness sakes, carry tissues with you!!

I have the most amazing husband who is the perfect father to our sons.  We had a fun day yesterday doing the activities Tim wanted to do.  First, he got up with Logan and played with blocks and legos.  Then, we went to church.  Next, we spent the afternoon feeding the ducks with little Logan boy.  Finally, we spent the evening web-caming with our families well into the night.  It was the perfect day!


Tim was such an amazing man to have by my side during our time with Joshua.  He was perfect at balancing time between work, Logan, and being at the hospital for Joshua (and me). He took on all the medical "stuff" with such grace, even though he was uncomfortable with it at first.  When you talk with him now, you never would have guessed it. 

As I prepped for this 4 month anniversary, I hoped that I would feel Joshua's presence throughout the day. In my post yesterday, I wrote "I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world,"  I wasn't sure how this would happen, but I really wanted one.
Well, one of my friends posted in the comments that maybe he would send a butterfly or some other reminder that he is around.  The idea made me smile, but didn't really think much more of it...

...Until we went to the park.  We spent a few hours at the park this morning and I saw two white butterflies.  But these were not just flying randomly; both butterflies flew right in front of my face. They came about 20 minutes apart.  When the second one came, I knew this was not a coincidence.  Joshua was there...enjoying the park right along with me and Logan.

I was happy with my little message from heaven, but Joshua wasn't done.  We spent the afternoon playing in a neighbor's pool.  Imagine my surprise when my neighbor said, "Wow, take a look at that HUGE butterfly!"  Sure enough, flying literally inches from where Logan was playing, was one of the biggest butterflies I have ever seen.  It must have had a wing span of 6 or 7 inches.  It circled around Logan's head and flew away.
As I told Tim about this, I said, "Maybe it was just a coincidence," but Tim quickly responded with, "No, that was Joshua.  He was saying hi!"  Some may think these butterflies were random, but I personally believe they were sent from Joshua.  He was reminding me that he is happy and he is still around.  He is working hard on the other side, but he took a few minutes to come give his mom a little hug from heaven.  The Lord continues to give tender mercies and we are truly blessed.

I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true:  time is a strange thing.  Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.


We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine.  Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time).  We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job.  We have started to figure out our new normal.

I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be.  Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to).  I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it.  Today, I let myself go.  At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua.  He would just nod, as if he completely understood.  Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.

It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer.  But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months.  We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home.  Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope.  Our little Joshua is a part of something grand.  Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.

Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that.  My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be.  I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.

I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua.  I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.

Tim and I just spent a wonderful 6 days in Hawaii.  It was our 5 year anniversary back in April, so that was the excuse we gave to most people.  However, one of the other reasons was we needed this trip after the year we had.  We needed to reconnect and just be together with nothing else to think about.  It was perfect.



I will probably have more posts about different things we did here, but here are some of our highlights:


















In short, this trip was exactly what we needed and I am so grateful we had the opportunity to go!

Joshua's 6 month birthday was this past Saturday. I was happy that I had a LOT going on that day and was able to get through it without too much thinking.