Dear Joshua-
Happy Halloween, sweet boy.  I wanted to let you know today that I am thinking a lot about you.  I was at the store yesterday and saw so many costumes that I know would have looked so darling on you.  I wondered what we would have dressed you up as...maybe a monster or super hero.  Maybe we would have coordinated your costume with your older brother. Whatever we would have done, it would have been so much fun to dress you up.

Last night, our family went to our ward Halloween party.  As I laid in bed that night, I wondered if you would have been able to go with us or not.  Cold and flu season is hitting full force and we always had to be so careful when it came to germs.  I realized that now, you can come to those events with us without concern.  I know you were there celebrating with us, even if we couldn't see you. 

Joshua, we are coming up on the season of the year that I remember having you with me.  You were born at the beginning of December, but November was the month we were anticipating your birth.  I feel like a lot of grieving feelings are starting to resurface a little bit.  I am missing you.  I so wish that I could actually dress you up instead of just dream of it.  I so wish I could hear all the comments from people about how cute you look in your costume. I wish we could take you trick or treating, even if it was only a few houses. I wish you were going to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I wish I didn't have to wish all these things. 

Yes, I am taking a few minutes to be selfish today.  I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering.  I know that the Lord has so much in store for you. You have a mission, Joshua.  That mission is what keeps me from being mad or extremely upset on most days.  However, today, I wish I could just give you one more hug and kiss and then send you on your way. 

Joshua, please be with me today.  Let me know that you are ok and help me feel your presence.  You are always in my thoughts and I love you for eternity.

Your mother

Wow...what a difference 24 hours can make.  I woke up this morning after a very rough night.  I could not stop thinking about the ultrasound just hours away and my mind would not turn off.  I couldn't help but think that this was the day that we would find out so much more about what type of journey this little baby would bring...

I woke up and the first thing I did was check my e-mail and check my facebook page.  One of my friends on facebook posted a quote from the famous musical, The Sound of Music.  "What will this day be like, I wonder?  What will my future be, I wonder?"
As Maria's voice sang those words in my head, I couldn't help but think it was the perfect theme song for my day.  The results of the ultrasound would be the answer to those rather deep questions.  The future of my family would be determined today...

So, we got in the car and started driving, really not understanding all the tender mercies the Lord had for us. First, we were able to have it be scheduled first thing in the morning.  We were almost late and it really didn't give us much time to think too much about it.  Another tender mercy:  They had completely remodeled the office.  This was the office that I had come for some my appointments for Joshua, every week for the last month or so of that pregnancy.  I was nervous to be going into those doors again, but it looked different, so that made it a little bit easier. Finally, we got one of the doctors and nurses that we saw with Joshua.  It was a group of people that understand what it must be like to be going through a pregnancy after an experience like we had with Joshua. They were all amazing.

Sooner than I was really ready for, the ultrasound tech was in the room and we were looking at our baby.  The tech could not really tell us anything as she went through each part of the body...starting with the brain, going down the spine, measuring bones, and finally, landing on the heart.  I knew right away that the heart looked WAY different than Joshua's...we had seen his broken heart so many times that the picture is permanently on my memory.  This heart looked like the ones I had seen in my PDBio textbook...the way it is suppose to look.  While the tech did not tell us any specifics, I knew right away that if this baby had any defects with the heart, they would be minor compared to Joshua's.

However, the tension in the room was still very tangible.  There were just too many things that could be wrong that we would not recognize. So, we sat alone after the tech left and waited for the fateful words of the doctors.  She walked in and recognized us...first thing she did was ask about Joshua.  I should have seen that coming (how in the world would they know, since we didn't tell them and they are not connected with Primary's?).  After telling her the sad news, she became much more understanding as to why we were there.  After expressing some heart felt condolences, she said, "so, this is a little bit of a stressful day for you."   Yep...she got that right.

So, she pulled up the pictures and started going though each part...brain, perfect.  Bones, perfect.  Growth, perfect.  Stomach, perfect.  Fluid levels, perfect.  Now, the heart...EVERYTHING looked perfect.  Her exact words, "There is nothing here that would warn me that there is anything to worry about."  When she finished, I don't think the words had really sunk in to either Tim or I.  She looked at us and said, "You guys still look very concerned."  I realized that every muscle in my body was still tense.  We were both waiting for her to give the bad news...the "but I do see this..." phrase.  However, it didn't come.  All the news had been given, and all of it was good.

I started to cry after the doctor left...I just couldn't believe it.  I had convinced myself that something would be wrong.  Now, I had to completely change everything I had thought.  I was beyond relieved.  I don't think I really understood how stressed I had been about this baby until the weight was off my shoulder.  I felt like I could skip and jump so high!  This baby was healthy...and that was more than I could comprehend.  Honestly, it took me a good 24 hours to really get it.

Then, I had one more thing to take in...not only was this little baby healthy, but I now had to prepare to have my first GIRL!  Now, I remember having a prayer with Heavenly Father about the gender of this baby.  I said, "Father, you obviously think our family is ready for another baby, even though I am not sure we are.  However, I know I am not ready for another boy.  I just want to start over with the clothes.  Please, if you could, let me have a girl this time.  Please, let me heal from loosing Joshua just a little longer before we bring another baby boy to this family."  So, when they said this baby was a girl, I knew that the Lord had answered my prayers.  I was so grateful that He allowed this tender mercy in my life.  I couldn't be more thrilled to go buy pink...and to let the blue stay in my heart for just a little longer.

Next step?  If we feel it necessary, we will have a fetal echo done in a few weeks, just to double check everything.  We could also have another ultrasound between 32-34 weeks to check for some other rare defects.  But for now? I am just enjoying the fact that everything looked great for now...and saying lots of prayers of thanks.