Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Our Rainbow Baby
Wow...I didn't realize how much time has passed since posting on this blog. I am beginning to understand the phrase that time can heal. Tonight, as I write, the ache of missing Joshua is close to the surface, but I am realizing that it is not nearly as debilitating as it used to be. I know that it is through my Savior's atonement that I can feel peace. I still think about Joshua everyday, but how wonderful to feel the Lord present as well.
I think part of the reason my heart has healed some is because of our sweet new addition to our family. I am pleased to introduce:
I think part of the reason my heart has healed some is because of our sweet new addition to our family. I am pleased to introduce:
Savannah Hope
Did you know that when a person has another child after losing one, that child is called a "Rainbow Baby"? This title makes reference to the beautiful rainbow that comes after the storm. The rainbow is a symbol of hope. For us, little Savannah is a reminder of our Savior's love for us and the "hope" of His gospel, especially after this raging storm we have been on. So, her middle name will always be a reminder to us of that...Hope in our Savior, Hope in his gospel, Hope in His plan, Hope that we will see Joshua again.
There have been times already that having little Savannah around has brought back some memories of Joshua. First, it is sometimes a little scary how much they look alike. Sometimes, especially when she is sleeping, I have done a double take thinking it was Joshua in the crib! Also, the more Savannah grows and develops, I can't help but think of all the stuff Joshua was never able to do because of his sickness. For example, Savannah was holding her head up so incredibly fast! She was starting to lift it before we even left the hospital!! Joshua was never strong enough to do that. I am so grateful that Savannah is healthy and strong.
I feel so blessed to be the mother of these three amazing children!
There have been times already that having little Savannah around has brought back some memories of Joshua. First, it is sometimes a little scary how much they look alike. Sometimes, especially when she is sleeping, I have done a double take thinking it was Joshua in the crib! Also, the more Savannah grows and develops, I can't help but think of all the stuff Joshua was never able to do because of his sickness. For example, Savannah was holding her head up so incredibly fast! She was starting to lift it before we even left the hospital!! Joshua was never strong enough to do that. I am so grateful that Savannah is healthy and strong.
I feel so blessed to be the mother of these three amazing children!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
She is coming, ready or not!
Baby #3 is going to be making her appearance very soon. I will be considered "full term" in just a few short days. Joshua was born at 37 1/2 weeks! Gosh, she could be here anytime, really.
The past few weeks have been a little crazy for me. We just passed the 11 month anniversary of Joshua's passing, which was a little more emotional than the last few have been. I think part of it is that I keep thinking about how this time last year, we were in the hospital with him. I keep thinking about how this time last year, we had him here and we had no idea just how little time we had left with him. I think January will aways have a soft place in my heart for that reason...such a difficult, but precious time we had with our boy on this earth.
Now, with all that in mind, I am trying to prepare myself to bring another child into the world. While all the tests and doctors continue to tell me that everything looks great, I can't help but feel anxiety. Honestly, even if this baby IS healthy, I am still nervous. It has been a long time since I have had a newborn that I didn't have a nurse or a bunch of doctors there to help me with. As I try to prepare for this baby, I feel like I am forgetting something. With my first, we were getting all the "big items"-you know, the crib, car seat, bouncer, rocker, stroller...the works. With Joshua, we were preparing significally for hospital life and life at home with a very sick kid. The truth is, there is not much more to do for this 3rd little one because we already have most of it other than clothes (which is definitely being taken care of). I just feel like I am forgetting something.
I keep wondering how I am going to handle all of this. Will some of the post-trumatic stress come back full force when I am, once again, responsible for a baby? How will I be able to let her sleep knowing it was when Joshua was sleeping that he slipped away? Will I be able to determine if something is wrong and be able to take the steps I need to make sure she is ok? I'm sure the mother instincts will kick in (as they always do), but I can't help but feel that this is going to be completely different than anything I have ever done before.
I am a different person than I was when either of my other children were born. It will be very interesting to see how I am able to do things with a new baby as the person I have become. I guess all I can do now is pray that The Lord will qualify me to do the work He has entrusted me. This baby girl is meant to be coming to our family at this time, that I know for a fact. Heavenly Father sent her long before I thought I was ready. He obviously thought we were, and I know if I lean on Him, He will give me the strength and ability to handle it.
Bring on this next great adventure....
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The source of all my hope and peace
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