The past few weeks have been a little crazy for me.  We just passed the 11 month anniversary of Joshua's passing, which was a little more emotional than the last few have been. I think part of it is that I keep thinking about how this time last year, we were in the hospital with him. I keep thinking about how this time last year, we had him here and we had no idea just how little time we had left with him. I think January will aways have a soft place in my heart for that reason...such a difficult, but precious time we had with our boy on this earth. 

Now, with all that in mind, I am trying to prepare myself to bring another child into the world.  While all the tests and doctors continue to tell me that everything looks great, I can't help but feel anxiety. Honestly, even if this baby IS healthy, I am still nervous.  It has been a long time since I have had a newborn that I didn't have a nurse or a bunch of doctors there to help me with.  As I try to prepare for this baby, I feel like I am forgetting something.  With my first, we were getting all the "big items"-you know, the crib, car seat, bouncer, rocker, stroller...the works.  With Joshua, we were preparing significally for hospital life and life at home with a very sick kid.  The truth is, there is not much more to do for this 3rd little one because we already have most of it other than clothes (which is definitely being taken care of). I just feel like I am forgetting something.  

I keep wondering how I am going to handle all of this.  Will some of the post-trumatic stress come back full force when I am, once again, responsible for a baby?  How will I be able to let her sleep knowing it was when Joshua was sleeping that he slipped away?  Will I be able to determine if something is wrong and be able to take the steps I need to make sure she is ok?  I'm sure the mother instincts will kick in (as they always do), but I can't help but feel that this is going to be completely different than anything I have ever done before. 

I am a different person than I was when either of my other children were born. It will be very interesting to see how I am able to do things with a new baby as the person I have become.  I guess all I can do now is pray that The Lord will qualify me to do the work He has entrusted me.  This baby girl is meant to be coming to our family at this time, that I know for a fact.  Heavenly Father sent her long before I thought I was ready.  He obviously thought we were, and I know if I lean on Him, He will give me the strength and ability to handle it.