Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

According to the definition on google, a reality check is "an occasion on which one is reminded of the state of things in the real world". It seems funny to me that reality checks would happen to me, even almost 2 months after Joshua's passing, but they do and a big one happened to me today. I've decided I don't really like them very much. 


We were blessed to be able to use a government program to help us out while Joshua was with us.  They provided the breast pump for free and provided us with some basic necessity for food as well.  We were so grateful for the extra help during the difficult time.  Today, I had an appointment with them to reevaluate our status.  Well, as I was getting the paper work together for said appointment, I realized something...we probably no longer qualify.

Why, you ask, would this be a hard realization?  I promise, it was not because I was disappointed we wouldn't have the benefits anymore.  Honestly, we really don't need them now.  However, the program determines eligibility based on the number of people in the family and how much you make.  The more people you have, the more you are able to make and still qualify.  Well, we are no longer a family of 4, but a family of 3. This make it so we no longer qualify for the program.

Fortunately, I figured this out before I went to the appointment...honestly, I don't think I could have handled that realization very well in public.  But, I did have to make the very awkward phone call.  "Hi, this is really awkward, but when we started the program, we were a family of 4.  My little baby actually passed away and we are only a family of 3 now."  Yeah...awkward...for both me and the poor lady on the other end of the line.  I was really grateful with how calm and collected she stayed.  It helped me be able to hold back my tears until I hung up the phone.  

Now, I know Joshua will always be a part of our family, but it really hurt to have that reminder of him being gone. No one should go from being a family of 4 to a family of 3...it just shouldn't go that direction. Also, it is hard to think that according to the world, I only have 1 child.  Really, I will always count Joshua, but the government and society will always be missing one.  It was just another reality check...a reminder of how it is in the real world...my new normal.

Everyone who has gone through a difficult time has experienced that awkward moment when someone says the wrong thing.  In fact, now that I have been through something hard (and still am), I wonder to myself how many times I have been that person saying the wrong thing.

I have tried to figure out something that I could post about to help others know what to say.  Honestly, it is very difficult to have generic rules that work in every situation. Some people want to talk...others don't.  What would be the right thing to say to one person could very well be the wrong thing for another person.

However, one of my friends and fellow angel mom shared this article from the LA Times and I thought this was a perfect place to start.  It is a great mindset to have when someone you know is going through a difficult time. I hope you enjoy this article and that it helps you as much as it helped me.

I just spent the most wonderful weekend with my family.  They came down for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The addresses from our church leaders were amazing and I am sure there will be posts about them in the future as I listen to and study them in the future.  However, the biggest lesson I learned (and I have been taught this over and over again) was how much I loved my family.


I have been so blessed to have been born into one of the most amazing families on this earth.  There is so much love and joy in my life because of them.  Most of them were with me this weekend and as each of them started driving away, I couldn't help but ponder what life will be like in the eternities...when we will be together as a family forever. 

Families are not just a social thing in this world...they are an integral part of the plan of salvation!  The Lord set up families not only to bring more of His spirit children to the earth, but to provide the perfect way for us to experiences things we need to become who we are meant to become.  Everything we need to know (spiritually, temporally, physically, etc) can be learned within the bounds of our eternal families.

Oh, what a blessed day it will be. I realized today that I am not only looking forward to the day when I have my little Joshua again, but I am looking forward to the day when I will have my entire family with me again.  The reason I feel an ache in my heart is because there is someone missing right now.  Honestly, if I were to die tomorrow, I think I would still feel an ache...because my other little boy, my husband, my siblings, and my parents would be back on earth.  The true joy will come when we are ALL together. I am so grateful for my family! 

Learn more about the value of families by clicking here.

This week, I have been preparing for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To do this, I have been reviewing some of the past addresses given.  I wanted to share of these talks with you.

This man, Elder Bowen, gives a very candid account of his experience with loosing his little boy after he aspirates a piece of chalk.  I really appreciate this discussion because he talks about how difficult it was.  Sometimes, I feel like people expect you to be "ok" when you loose a loved one because you have a belief in the afterlife.  However, just because I know I will see little Joshua again, it does not make it any easier to not have him here with me.  I love this quote from his talk:




I look forward to this weekend when we will hear more wonderful messages from the leaders of our church.

(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: 

Before I get to the birthday, I wanted to review our Easter day yesterday.  Honestly, it was way more emotional then I thought.  I was excited to have a day dedicated to the glorious message of the resurrection and the joy that comes with that.  We went to church and I realized quickly that it was going to be emotionally draining.  While it was wonderful to think about the resurrection, I was definitely not ready for the shear amount the topic was discussed.  Of course, that is what we do on Easter, but talking and thinking about it for a full 24 hours really just made it more obvious that he is not with me, and it was hard.  Needless to say, I was emotionally drained by the end of the day.



I was, however, really glad I was able to spend the evening with our wonderful family.  I wanted to be around other people I love.  So, late afternoon, most of us met at the cemetery.  I thought about doing something like a spiritual thought, but in the end, we just hung out there for about an hours and chatted.  It was really nice to be together and feel Joshua's spirit. After that, we went back to our house for dinner and more being together.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful and amazing family. 


Now, for Joshua's 4 month birthday, I decided to write him another letter.  Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Dear Joshua-
I can't believe you would have been 4 months old today.  I found myself thinking about the day you were born.  It is hard to believe it was only 4 months ago...it sometimes seems like an eternity. 
Joshua, your dad and I were talking yesterday about how much we miss you.  Yesterday was Easter and we found ourselves missing you a lot.  With all the festive events of the weekend, I also found myself thinking how sad it was that you weren't here to do some of those things with us.  Then, I realized something...you were so sick that we probably wouldn't be doing anything like what we did this weekend.  We just couldn't do those things with you because you were so fragile. 

So, your dad and I made a commitment...to use the time we have now to keep our family close and be productive.  We have a new appreciation for the things we are able to do, we want to keep doing them!  We know that you will be there with us in our hearts and we hope our family and our relationships will continue to grow. 

Your life continues to change ours, little man.  I know you are doing great things on the other side...mostly because I see what you have done on this side.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Your Mother