I have, for obvious reasons, thought a lot about these very topics over the past year. (in fact...it was one year ago last week that we had our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and found out about his heart conditions)  I really do feel like there have been a lot of blessings that have come into our life because of our experience with Joshua, especially our relationship with God.  We had to make a choice early on last year;  the choice was between drawing on our faith in God and trusting Him or turning our back on God and just being angry at Him.  I tried the angry thing for about 1 hour and knew I couldn't handle that.  So, trusting in Him was the only option and I have never looked back.

Now, 1 year after our journey with Joshua began, almost 8 months since he was born, and 5 1/2 months since he past away, I can look back and see the blessings and tender mercies more clearly. God has been with our family every step of this journey and I have no doubt that He will continue to be with our family forever.  We are stronger people because of our little Joshua.

Another dear friend of mine and fellow angel mom posted this music video on her facebook page yesterday.  This beautiful song was exactly what I have been thinking about for a long time.  I love how Hillary Weeks does not down play the difficulty of our situations.  What we have to go through is hard and it is ok to want it to be gone.  But, how wonderful it is to see where we end up when we can finally have the eyes to recognize our change.  Our trials truly do become a "Beautiful Heartbreak".

One question has started to come up more and more in my life now that I am getting out and meeting people that do not know about little Joshua.  The dreaded question: "How many children do you have?" Every "angel parent" must decide how to answer this question and there is not always an easy answer. In fact, I have discussed this at length with many of the angel moms and really, it is difficult for all of us to figure out.

If I say I have two children, it always leads to telling them about Joshua.  Now, I am no where NEAR ashamed to tell people about Joshua...in fact, I enjoy talking about him.  The problem with telling someone who doesn't know is the inevitable reaction.  The "Oh, my gosh, I am SO SORRY." Now, of course this would be the response because we are human and it really is the proper thing to say.  However, sometimes, I just don't have the energy to handle it again. I find that I am the one consoling the other person.  I find myself listening to stories about other families' losses or some other horrible things that happened to someone else because they are trying to show that they empathize with my feelings.  Sometimes, it is just a little more draining than I have energy for at the time.

However, if I say I have one, then there is always a little stab in my heart since I know there is another one.  It just brings all the feelings back to the surface of knowing that there will always be someone in our family missing.  It seems so strange to tell people that I only have one when I have two.  I have two children and nothing, not even death, can change that!  So, saying something different is completely unnatural. In reality, I feel like I am lying.

So, I go through this debate in my head over a matter of 2-3 seconds after someone asks the question. I must decide if I can handle the response I will get from someone if I tell them or if I can handle the ache in my heart if I don't.  Honestly, the answer is different every time.  Sometimes, I am talking with the checkout person at the grocery store and they ask it just to have a friendly conversation.  Then, I just don't have the heart to tell them of our tragedy and I don't mention it.  Other times, I am meeting a new friend that I will most likely see and be with again.  Then, I have to answer with the full story.  They will find out eventually and I don't want to put myself through explaining it later.

So, truthfully, I am still trying to figure out how I am going to answer that question.  It is different for every angel family and I would imagine it is going to take a good amount of time to find my perfect answer.  In the mean time, I will just keep working on it. 

On the 13th of this month, we hit the 5 month mark since little Joshua returned to Heavenly Father.  It was a Saturday and I had just spent the Thursday and Friday before that at a business meeting and had been going non-stop for about 48 hours.  I was extremely tired...so Tim was sweet enough to take Logan for the day and I spent most of that Saturday watching TV and sleeping. 

I don't remember much of what I watched, but I do remember thinking about my Joshua boy a lot.  It was a day of reflection...and a day of self evaluation.  I thought about how I have gotten back into some sort of routine.  I thought about how life has kept going, even though Joshua is not with us.  But mostly, I thought about how I haven't changed as much for the better as I would have liked. 

I feel like I have slipped back into everyday things and have stopped focusing as much on the things that matter most.  I remember when Joshua was here and the weeks that followed his passing that I had cut out all the "fluff" in my life.  As I reflected on things now, I realized that fluff has slowly made it's way back in.

So, I have recommitted myself to focusing on the things that matter most: namely my family and my God.  Doing little things each day to draw myself closer to the ones I love.  Yes, that is the legacy I want Joshua to have.  I am so grateful that I have my little angel to keep me focusing on the right things.  I hope I can use his memory to continue to change my life for the better.

Why do we always feel the need to compare ourselves to others?  There have been many times over the past few months where people are going through hard times and they say to me, "but it is not even close to what you had to go through." Now, I will be the first to tell you that losing a child is one of the most tragic and difficult things a person can go through; however, just because I went through that, does that make difficult experiences less painful for others?  I would say absolutely not.

I remember sitting in the Primary Children's surgery waiting room while Joshua went through his last heart catherization procedure.   The cardiologists had just finished explaining to us that they feared Joshua's pulmonary veins were closing and if that was the case, there was nothing else they could do. Tim and I sat in that waiting room and prepared ourselves for the doctors to find the evidence they needed to make that dreaded nightmare a reality. 

Fortunately, that did not happen, but I remember as we sat there for the 2-3 hours, we saw many other parents waiting for news about their children...news that would be something like, "the tubes went in the ears perfectly," or, "the tonsils are out and he is in recovery doing great."  I remember thinking how lucky these parents were that their children did not have such life-threatening reasons for being there.  I remember thinking how they had so little to worry about...that they had no idea how much worse it could be.  Also, I'm sure that someone was looking at us thinking how easy we had it compared to them.

Now, as I look back, I can't help but think about how I would feel if my little Logan had to go in for any type of surgery.  What if he had to have his tonsils out?  What if he had to have tubes put in his ears?  The truth is, it would be hard and I would worry.  It is what we do as parents.

The truth is, the Lord gives us challenges to stretch us  just a little bit beyond our limit.  No matter where our limit is, having to be stretched farther is going to be hard.  It is not our job to compare trials, but it is our responsibility (when we are able) to lift one another's burdens.  Christ suffered through the greatest trial of all and what does he do now?  He serves us and loves us. 

Just because I have been through something terrible, does not mean that I don't feel for others and what they have to go through.  Every time I hear about someone's baby being sick, I feel for them, even though the baby will most likely survive.  Every time I hear about someone who has to kiss their child right before surgery and hand him off to the doctors, I feel for them, even though that child will most likely be ok.  Trials are hard for everyone and it is ok to feel like it is hard, even though someone may be going through something that seems harder.

There have been and probably will be many times that I have felt completely alone on this journey this past year.  Even with all the letters and notes from people who have also lost children, there were times that I thought, "No one could possibly know what my heart is going through."

Well, as the months have passed, I have experienced the miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that He went through his lonely journey so I didn't have to.  I have felt my heart begin to heal, at least a little bit.  I could never begin to express the gratitude in my heart for my Savior and all that He as done for me, my family, and for everyone.