Today, I heard of the passing of another little baby.  It was not a heart baby and was actually a good friend of a family member.  I have met the family a few times in my life, but it has been years and I really don't know them very well.  However, talking to my family member today about it, I couldn't help but feel the ache in my heart for this sweet mother and her family. 

Tomorrow, I am going to be watching the kids for my family members so they can attend the funeral.  There really is nothing anyone can say or do, but I remember how wonderful it was to be surrounded by the people I loved during Joshua's funeral.  I hope this mom can find strength by having her good friends there and I feel so blessed to be able to help that happen, even in such a simple way. 

I can't believe how much it hurts me to hear of another family having to go through the heartache of loosing a child.  A lot of the ache I felt going through it returns to the surface along with the ache that anyone else has to feel that pain.  It would not be something I would wish on anyone.  

I hope everyone will say a little extra prayer for this sweet family.  They are burying the baby they never got to meet and that they were so excited to welcome into their home.  Pray that they will feel her sweet presence every day. 

My little Logan boy and I just spent a wonderful week in Idaho with some of my family. This was the first time I have been able to get away on a trip since Joshua's passing and I think it was really good for me. 

At first, I was a little nervous, believe it or not.  As I was driving there, I realized the last time I was in Idaho was with baby Joshua.  We were able to spend a wonderful Christmas with my family and all the memories of that trip came rushing back.  However, I was surprised when I walked into the house, I had a calm, peaceful feeling.  I love being at home.

We did a lot of really fun things! Including:

Have you ever dealt with cracked knuckles, hands, or feet?  You know, really dry spots that suddenly crack and bleed?  Well, I suffer from a skin condition called psoriasis and if I am not diligent in keeping lotion on multiple times a day (which am very poor at), I most likely will have a crack on my hands.  If you have never had this, I can tell you from experience that these cracks are extremely difficult to heal.  They have to be moisturized consistently for many days and then it can takes multiple days after that for the wound to heal up. 

Probably one of the most annoying parts of these cracks is that they mostly happen in places that they can get bumped.  Why does this matter?  Because they can be very close to being totally healed, you knock it against the wall, and it pops open again.  Suddenly, you are starting the entire process all over again to get it healed. 


I am discovering that healing the wounds of a broken heart work in a very similar fashion.  When Joshua passed away, my heart was cracked wide open and I started the slow, continuous process of trying to close up that wound.  Over the past 2 months, I have seen signs that the process is slowly working.  The time between the sad or hard days are getting farther and farther apart.  Then, I have experiences like last night that remind me just how easy it is for that wound to be knocked wide open.

I went to a church meeting to listen to some of the leaders of our local congregation.  Overall, the meeting was extremely uplifting and wonderful.  However, there was one speaker that shared his experience of his 5th child being born with a congenital heart defect.  He specifically talked about the time the child spent in the hospital and how difficult it was to balance the time with his other 4 children.  All the feelings of guilt, stress and being torn between the hospital and Logan came rushing back.  But it didn't end there.  He continued to share the experience of a family friend loosing their little toddler in a horrible accident.  The part of her story that hurt the most was when she talked about not being able to get the image of her lifeless son out of her mind.  It hit just too close to home with my experience and I lost it.

So, there I was, in a church filled to capacity with people and I had my breakdown.  The tears started to flood and my body started to shake.  Fortunately, I was able to keep it pretty quiet, so I don't think I was disturbing too many people trying to listen.  But, I tried very hard to get my emotions in check quickly and it was just not going to happen.  It took a good 20 minutes to stop the tears and even longer to stop shaking.  I contemplated leaving the room, but I thought that would bring more attention to me, so I just stayed in my seat. 

Once I was done crying, I thought to myself, "Wow...I was not ready for that," and I really wasn't.  Heck, I didn't even have a tissue!  I am realizing more and more the fragility of a broken heart and just how easy it is for the wounds to open up.  It is a wound that requires lots of tender love and care and even then, it can open unexpectedly.  I guess I just need to learn to expect the unexpected, although, I just don't know if I will ever be able to expect it.  I need to start carrying around some tissue and hopefully next time I will be able to handle it with a little more grace. 

I have had a few opportunities over the past few weeks to ponder what our attitudes should be while we are going through a difficult time. So often, during hard times, we are told to find the lesson we are suppose to learn or be grateful for the trials we have because they make us into who we are suppose to be.

Now, I would be the first person to tell you that trials and hardships can and mostly are gifts wrapped in unattractive paper. However, I will also be the first to tell you that it is not all warm fuzzys to have to go through something hard.

So, with all this on my mind, I couldn't help but think about all the information I received about the grieving process. While there are many views on the topic, there was always something similar in every philosophy: allow yourself time to feel sad, frustrated, and/or angry. This is not only understandable, it is healthy in order to eventually discover your new normal.

I think this principle holds true for any difficult trial we have to go through. Are you having a hard time finding a job? It's ok to be frustrated. Are your children pushing your buttons more and more? It's ok to get angry. Does it sometimes feel like you are the only person in the world who could possibly understand what you are going through? It is ok to feel lonely.

What is important in all of this is to not let yourself be consumed by these emotions. In fact, I think they give you something to put at the feet of Christ. We can get on our hands and knees and pray for The Lord to carry some of the burden. And you know what? He will. I have experienced the lightness of my burdens lifted over the past months especially.

Very few people I know feel thankful for their trial when they are going through them. And, lets be honest, no matter how much you learned, most people don't want to go through that hard time again. And you know what...that is ok.

When you are ready, give your burdens over to our Savior. As the speaker at our luncheon said, "If you are going through hell, don't build a house there." Allow yourself to be frustrated, angry, discouraged, frightened, and sad. When you are ready, give your burdens to The Lord. Until then, give yourself permission to feel. It is part of mortality.

Since my little Joshua passed away, I have been drawn to different people who live there life in the moment.  Sometimes, this can be an overwhelming concept, especially when you feel the need to get everything done. 

As I was looking at my pinterest, I was drawn to a post that lead me to a wonderful blog called "Hands Free Mama," by Rachel Stafford.  As I started looking through it, I realized the whole blog was about a mother's journey to enjoying the little things of her children, but doing it not even day by day, but moment by moment.  The part of her philosphy that really stood out to me was when she mentioned that sometimes, there are other things that need to be done right now.  Those are times when you tell your child "just a minute" and keep working.  However, there are other times when the laundry can get folded later or the bathroom can stay dirty for another hour.  During those times, we can decide to play cars or dolls first, before the chores. 

I realized that living a "hands free life" was really not that difficult.  It was simply recognizing there is a choice and making a conscience decision.  I was excited to ponder this new way of thinking and it has really made an impact in my life over the last month.  I not only find myself spending more QUALITY time with my son, but when I have to get things done, he is not so desperate for my attention.  It has been a win-win! 

Some of the things I have been able to enjoy with Logan since I started doing this have been:





Our life with our children and family is precious and very short. You really don't know how much time you have with them.  I hope we can each take a few minutes and read more about Rachel's philosophy and maybe try to choose one moment a day to be "hands free." As my mom put so perfectly just now, "this is the life that keeps you from ever feeling guilty."

Be sure to visit Hands Free Mama!  I hope you enjoy visiting as much as I have!

On Saturday, April 13, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the Heart to Heart Luncheon put on by the Intermountain Healing Hearts group. Oh, what a blessing this event was to me!
I had debated for the two weeks prior if I really wanted to go.  I was really unsure if I would feel included...not because of the women (I knew they would welcome me with open arms), but because of my situation.  This was a group of women that were mostly still fighting their fight with congenital heart defects.  Most of them still had their little children and I wasn't sure I would feel comfortable.  I didn't want to be the mom there that represented everyone else's worst nightmare.  My baby was gone...and every other mom in that room had thought about that happening. I would be the reminder. However, I talked to a few other angel moms that had gone to the event in the past and they encouraged me to go, if I felt up to it.  They gave me a little bit of an idea of what to expect.  So, earlier in the week, I was ok with going.

Then, on Thursday, I made the realization that it would be the two month anniversary of Joshua's angel day and I started to panic again.  I was a little bit of a mess on the one month anniversary and I wasn't sure I wanted to have any breakdowns in public.  However, on Friday, I decided if I was going to have a breakdown in front of any group of people, this one would be the one to do it.

So, I woke up on Saturday with all the feelings of the anniversary as well as being completely nervous.  I changed my outfit twice (I wanted to be comfortable).  I was so grateful to be driving up with a dear friend and fellow heart mom.  At least I would have one person there with me.

Once I got there, I realized very quickly that I had nothing to be nervous about.  There were the other angel moms I had met and they all came up to me and gave me a hug.  Some even remembered the anniversary, which was more than I could ever ask for!  I also met a number of other wonderful heart moms that told me how they have read Joshua's story and they were so excited to meet me, which was so strange because I felt the same way about them!  The connection I felt with each of these women was so amazing.  It felt good to talk the medical talk again (feeding tubes, ICU, surgery, O2 sats, etc.).  It was so much a part of my life with Joshua and something I just don't do anymore.  I felt connected to Joshua and my love for this group grew by the minute.

The afternoon just got better with the speakers.  One of the angel moms spoke about the journey we all face and no matter where we are in our journey, we can draw support from each other.  She is one that I look up to so much and her words were perfect.  The next speaker was Tiffany Peterson, who is a professional inspirational speaker.  Two things stood out to me from her presentation:  (1) have your spiritual first aid kit ready to go. (scripture reading, prayers, etc.  Anything that helps you spiritually) Have these things ready for the moments you will need them most.  (2) When you are ready, take the time to think about your trial in life as a gift. Our adversity is a gift wrapped in unattractive paper. We can take the time to be sad, frustrated, mad, and disappointed, but when we are ready, we should take the chance to see the benefits of our situation. Along these same lines, she quoted her mother, "If you're going through hell, don't build a house there!"
There was a point where we all stood in a circle and linked arms. It was then, with that physical representation, that we all felt the strength that comes with many. This is a journey as a heart mom is rough, but I feel so blessed to be in the company of such amazing women. I felt the truth that our strength as a whole was greater than the sum if our individual parts. We are stronger when we depend on each other.

I'm so glad I went. It was the perfect place to be on that anniversary. Thank you to all the amazing women for the hard word and dedication taken to put this on. I feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Wow...has it really only been two months?  It really does seem like an eternity since I last held little Joshua in my arms.  I really can't believe it has only been two months...

I went to bed last night a little worried.  I wasn't sure how the day was going to go.  I was planning to attend the Intermountain Healing Hearts Heart to Heart Luncheon (more on that later...it was wonderful!), but really, I just didn't know what to expect my emotions to be.  One month ago, it was a really hard day. Anniversaries are just hard.  So, I went to bed ready to cancel all my plans if I wasn't up for it, but also ready to take things head on if I was.

So, how did I feel?  Well, sad (obviously), but I started thinking about what has happened over the past 2 months.  The thing that really struck me was how everyone was moving on with their life.  It seemed to strange to me that the whole world was not different now that Joshua was gone.  People still post about the same things on facebook.  People still live the same lives they did before.  Life stayed the same for people.  For me...I am different...and that is strange to see everyone else living the same life. How strange that something so defining for me could have little impact on everyone else.

Loosing a child is not just an event in someone's life...it is literally life-changing.  There was my life before Joshua, with Joshua, and after Joshua...and none of them are the same as the other.  It sort of reminds me of Noah and the flood.  There was the world before the flood, during the flood, and after the flood.  The world was never the same after that "event."  And for me, Joshua was my flood and I will never be the same. 

However,  is it really all that bad?  Some may call my life-changing event tragic.  Ok...I probably would as well, but my different life is not necessarily bad.  Of course, I would choose a life WITH little Joshua...that is the life I look forward to someday. But for now, I have to believe I am living the life God intended me to live right now.  I HAVE to believe God loves me enough to put me through exactly what I need to become the person He wants me to be.  Yes, my life will never be the same, but I am living the life I am suppose to be living...and that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

According to the definition on google, a reality check is "an occasion on which one is reminded of the state of things in the real world". It seems funny to me that reality checks would happen to me, even almost 2 months after Joshua's passing, but they do and a big one happened to me today. I've decided I don't really like them very much. 


We were blessed to be able to use a government program to help us out while Joshua was with us.  They provided the breast pump for free and provided us with some basic necessity for food as well.  We were so grateful for the extra help during the difficult time.  Today, I had an appointment with them to reevaluate our status.  Well, as I was getting the paper work together for said appointment, I realized something...we probably no longer qualify.

Why, you ask, would this be a hard realization?  I promise, it was not because I was disappointed we wouldn't have the benefits anymore.  Honestly, we really don't need them now.  However, the program determines eligibility based on the number of people in the family and how much you make.  The more people you have, the more you are able to make and still qualify.  Well, we are no longer a family of 4, but a family of 3. This make it so we no longer qualify for the program.

Fortunately, I figured this out before I went to the appointment...honestly, I don't think I could have handled that realization very well in public.  But, I did have to make the very awkward phone call.  "Hi, this is really awkward, but when we started the program, we were a family of 4.  My little baby actually passed away and we are only a family of 3 now."  Yeah...awkward...for both me and the poor lady on the other end of the line.  I was really grateful with how calm and collected she stayed.  It helped me be able to hold back my tears until I hung up the phone.  

Now, I know Joshua will always be a part of our family, but it really hurt to have that reminder of him being gone. No one should go from being a family of 4 to a family of 3...it just shouldn't go that direction. Also, it is hard to think that according to the world, I only have 1 child.  Really, I will always count Joshua, but the government and society will always be missing one.  It was just another reality check...a reminder of how it is in the real world...my new normal.

Everyone who has gone through a difficult time has experienced that awkward moment when someone says the wrong thing.  In fact, now that I have been through something hard (and still am), I wonder to myself how many times I have been that person saying the wrong thing.

I have tried to figure out something that I could post about to help others know what to say.  Honestly, it is very difficult to have generic rules that work in every situation. Some people want to talk...others don't.  What would be the right thing to say to one person could very well be the wrong thing for another person.

However, one of my friends and fellow angel mom shared this article from the LA Times and I thought this was a perfect place to start.  It is a great mindset to have when someone you know is going through a difficult time. I hope you enjoy this article and that it helps you as much as it helped me.

I just spent the most wonderful weekend with my family.  They came down for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The addresses from our church leaders were amazing and I am sure there will be posts about them in the future as I listen to and study them in the future.  However, the biggest lesson I learned (and I have been taught this over and over again) was how much I loved my family.


I have been so blessed to have been born into one of the most amazing families on this earth.  There is so much love and joy in my life because of them.  Most of them were with me this weekend and as each of them started driving away, I couldn't help but ponder what life will be like in the eternities...when we will be together as a family forever. 

Families are not just a social thing in this world...they are an integral part of the plan of salvation!  The Lord set up families not only to bring more of His spirit children to the earth, but to provide the perfect way for us to experiences things we need to become who we are meant to become.  Everything we need to know (spiritually, temporally, physically, etc) can be learned within the bounds of our eternal families.

Oh, what a blessed day it will be. I realized today that I am not only looking forward to the day when I have my little Joshua again, but I am looking forward to the day when I will have my entire family with me again.  The reason I feel an ache in my heart is because there is someone missing right now.  Honestly, if I were to die tomorrow, I think I would still feel an ache...because my other little boy, my husband, my siblings, and my parents would be back on earth.  The true joy will come when we are ALL together. I am so grateful for my family! 

Learn more about the value of families by clicking here.

This week, I have been preparing for the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To do this, I have been reviewing some of the past addresses given.  I wanted to share of these talks with you.

This man, Elder Bowen, gives a very candid account of his experience with loosing his little boy after he aspirates a piece of chalk.  I really appreciate this discussion because he talks about how difficult it was.  Sometimes, I feel like people expect you to be "ok" when you loose a loved one because you have a belief in the afterlife.  However, just because I know I will see little Joshua again, it does not make it any easier to not have him here with me.  I love this quote from his talk:




I look forward to this weekend when we will hear more wonderful messages from the leaders of our church.

(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: 

Before I get to the birthday, I wanted to review our Easter day yesterday.  Honestly, it was way more emotional then I thought.  I was excited to have a day dedicated to the glorious message of the resurrection and the joy that comes with that.  We went to church and I realized quickly that it was going to be emotionally draining.  While it was wonderful to think about the resurrection, I was definitely not ready for the shear amount the topic was discussed.  Of course, that is what we do on Easter, but talking and thinking about it for a full 24 hours really just made it more obvious that he is not with me, and it was hard.  Needless to say, I was emotionally drained by the end of the day.



I was, however, really glad I was able to spend the evening with our wonderful family.  I wanted to be around other people I love.  So, late afternoon, most of us met at the cemetery.  I thought about doing something like a spiritual thought, but in the end, we just hung out there for about an hours and chatted.  It was really nice to be together and feel Joshua's spirit. After that, we went back to our house for dinner and more being together.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful and amazing family. 


Now, for Joshua's 4 month birthday, I decided to write him another letter.  Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Dear Joshua-
I can't believe you would have been 4 months old today.  I found myself thinking about the day you were born.  It is hard to believe it was only 4 months ago...it sometimes seems like an eternity. 
Joshua, your dad and I were talking yesterday about how much we miss you.  Yesterday was Easter and we found ourselves missing you a lot.  With all the festive events of the weekend, I also found myself thinking how sad it was that you weren't here to do some of those things with us.  Then, I realized something...you were so sick that we probably wouldn't be doing anything like what we did this weekend.  We just couldn't do those things with you because you were so fragile. 

So, your dad and I made a commitment...to use the time we have now to keep our family close and be productive.  We have a new appreciation for the things we are able to do, we want to keep doing them!  We know that you will be there with us in our hearts and we hope our family and our relationships will continue to grow. 

Your life continues to change ours, little man.  I know you are doing great things on the other side...mostly because I see what you have done on this side.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  

Your Mother