A Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit: May 2013

Friday, May 31, 2013

Logan: My Tender Mercy

1:46 PM

Two nights ago, I was putting my little Logan boy down for bed. He was feeling a little scared, so I stayed in the room to help him calm down. I stood at the side of his bed and ran my fingers through his feathery hair. As I watched him fall asleep, I couldn't help but say a prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father for this sweet boy.

While we were in the hospital with Joshua, I cried many times feeling like Logan was being neglected. He was being bounced from different houses and being taken care of by people other than me and Tim. Even though I knew these people loved him, I struggled with not being with him. I wondered why Joshua couldn't have been my first child so I wouldn't feel the guilt of being away from Logan.

Now, I know why. I needed Logan to help my heart heal. Even that awful morning Joshua passed away, Logan was there with his big smile and simple, humble outlook on life to keep us smiling. He has given me purpose the passed few months; he has given me reason to get up in the morning and given me something to do other than think. The Lord knew, way back when my healthy Logan was born, just how important he would be in my life. The Lord knew that the best medicine for my grieving heart would be my children. While my heart still aches for little Joshua, I am so grateful for my little Logan boy...my living tender mercy.

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Monday, May 27, 2013

Our first Memorial Day (2013)

10:55 PM

Well, another "first" is behind us. Memorial Day 2013. Once again, this was a rough day, which was frustrating at first because I feel like I should be getting used to these days. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was a "first". I needed to let myself figure this day out just like all the other holidays/ anniversaries.

I figured out earlier this weekend that there were going to be some new emotions this weekend. People started posting about all their loved ones they were remembering and I guess my feelings were raw from that first post. The subject was so "in your face" and I felt like I couldn't escape it. I was also overcome with feelings of sympathy for every picture I saw of someone' loved-one. There were so many people who had suffered...and these thoughts continued with me throughout this day as well.

I was especially struck by the sheer number of flowers in the cemetery today. For some reason, it just seemed like way more than I remember seeing on this day in years past. I decided it was because I have been to the cemetery more often this year NOT on Memorial Day and I recognize the huge difference. I was also struck by it because I knew that each placement of a flower meant there was someone out there that was thinking/missing the person they were honoring with the flowers. I couldn't help but think of the vastness of sorrow and grief that this world endures.

As I pondered this, I remembered a passage in the book I am reading right now: "The Infinite Atonement." I loved this visual that Elder Callister gives to help us understand the depth of suffering the Savior had to endure during the Atonement:

What weight is thrown on the scales of pain when calculating the hurt of innumerable hospitals? Now, add to that the loneliness of the elderly who are forgotten in the rest homes of society, desperately yearning for a card, a visit, a call-just some recognition from the outside world. Keep on adding the hurt of hungry children, the suffering caused by famine, drought, and pestilence. Pile on the heartache of parents who tearfully plead on a daily basis for a wayward son or daughter to come back home. Factor in the trauma of every divorce and the tragedy of every abortion. Add the remorse that comes with each child lost in the dawn of life, each spouse taken in the prime of marriage. Compound that with the misery of overflowing prisons, bulging halfway houses and institutions for the mentally disadvantaged. Multiply all this by the century after century of history, and creation after creation without end. Such is but an awful glimpse of the Savior's load. Who can bear such a burden or scale such a mountain as this? No one, absolutely no one, save Jesus Christ, the Redeemer of us all. (pg. 105)

I felt a small increase in my understanding as I stood at the grave of my little son and glanced across the vast cemetery decorations surrounding us. Then, I thought about the number of cemeteries in the world, and the number of unmarked graves on the battlefields throughout the history of the world. Suddenly, I was overcome with gratitude for my Savior. I know that the pain I have felt the past 3 months has been almost more than I can bare, but my Savior has suffered it for all of us and more.

Because of the greatness of the Atonement, the pain I feel does not have to be so painful. Among the pain of missing little Joshua, there is an undercurrent of peace...peace that because of my Savior, my broken heart will indeed be made whole, my family will live together again, and there is someone out there who understands my ache.

This is my testimony on this Memorial Day. The cemetery will be a place of great joy on the morning of the Resurrection. The tears of sorrow that I shed today will be tears of joy. Oh, how great my Savior truly is.

Thank you to everyone who left flowers for Joshua! We were so happy with the way the plot looked.

Saying "hi" to Grandma and Grandpa Ipson...Joshua's "neighbors"

We also got to visit Joshua's little cousin Kate, who passed away 6 years ago. We think they are friends in heaven right now :)

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Saturday, May 25, 2013

Joshua's Story

5:54 PM

On July 25, 2012, Tim and I went in for our exciting 20 week ultrasound. I guessed we were having a boy. Tim was positive we were having a girl. We were thrilled that the time had come to find out! Shortly after finding out we were having another boy and sending texts to family exclaiming our joy, we then were told the news, “Your baby’s heart is not normal.” What a turn of emotions from the texts we just sent to heart-wrenching concern! Instead of going home and shouting the news we would be having another boy, we were home in tears as we tried to comprehend what this was going to mean for our baby and our family.

Over the rest of the pregnancy, we had many doctor appointments with the regular OB, a perinatologist (basically an OB specializing in birth defects), and a fetal-pediatric cardiologist. Our life was consumed with check-ups, fetal echocardiograms, non-stress tests, and preparing for possible surgeries. Even with all these appointments, we still had no idea what to expect when this little guy came. He might need surgery within a few days, he might not. We might be in the hospital for weeks; we might be able to go home for a while. Needless to say, we also found ourselves mourning the loss of the “normal” baby experience, but that didn’t last long as we began to realize just how special our little one was. We could already feel his amazing spirit before he was even born.

We had scheduled an induction at 38 weeks so we would be right by Primary Children’s Medical Center (PCMC). Within hours of being born, our new baby was going to be taken to PCMC via life flight. The baby

had no intention, however, of being told when he would be born, since I went into labor 3 days before the scheduled induction. Fortunately, we made it to the correct hospital and Joshua Kent Ipson was born at 10:02 PM on December 1, 2012. The next chapter of our journey began.

We were pleasantly surprised to find Joshua completely stable right after he was born. He had several heart defects (some of which were Hypoplastic right heart syndrome, AV-Canal, heterotaxy, total anomalous veinous return, main pulmonary atresia, partial mal-rotation, aspleenia, and a few more…) All in all, it was a miracle that he didn’t need any immediate surgery to keep him stable. After only a week in the hospital, we were able to go home on December

10, 2012. Over the next two weeks, we enjoyed our Christmas with family in Boise and enjoyed each minute at home with him. He was on a small amount of oxygen (.03 L) and did have a feeding tube, but we were so excited to have him home. While his care was much more than a normal newborn, we were enjoying every minute of him.

Our lives changed once again only 3 days after Christmas with a regular pediatrician appointment. His doctor noticed his breathing seemed much more labored and his heart did not seem to be functioning as well as he had hoped. After a number of tests, we were back at Primary Children’s for what we thought was a short trip to fix medication doses and re-evaluate his feeding. However, that turned out not to be the case.

After another echocardiogram, the surgeon came to see us and told us Joshua’s pulmonary veins had started to narrow and immediate open heart surgery would need to be performed. We were shocked and saddened as we realized our happy life at home was over for now. We didn’t know it then, but we would never be home for more than a few days at a time again with our sweet Joshua. On December 30, 2012, Joshua endured 10 hours of emergency surgery to put in a BT shunt, unifocalize his MAPCAs, and repair his total anomalous veinous return-just shy of his 1 month birthday.

Recovery was a long, difficult process. Joshua spent the next three weeks in the Cardiac ICU at Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake City. He was on constant medications for blood pressure, pain, anxiety, and to keep swelling down. He had a breathing tube, chest tubes to help with the swelling around his heart, and a number of arterial lines for medication drips. He had x-rays done continuously (every 4 hours at one point) and endured many breathing treatments. He had a full time cardiac nurse with him 24/7—and they were very busy with his care. There were two times he stopped breathing and had to be “bagged” to bring him back. Twice they had to give him a medication to jump his heart back into a normal rhythm so it wouldn’t stop. Once the breathing tube

was out, he was on to the c-pap machines, high flow, and extra oxygen. All in all, we were thrilled when the time came to move to the Children’s Surgical Unit and start our journey towards home.

We spent another week on the surgical unit working on feeding and getting medications tweaked for home. We also had a blood sugar scare where his blood sugar dropped drastically without any explanation…and went away without explanation. We were so excited to have the Nurse Practitioner and Cardiologists finally tell us we were ready for home.

On January 28, 2013, we were able to go home...for a minute. We had two days at home before we were back at Primary’s on January 30. We went from the Surgical Unit, Cath lab, ICU, back to the Surgical Unit, back to the ICU,

then finally back to the surgical unit again. February 9, we were released from the hospital. The following day, we took our first family pictures—little did we know it was going to be our last with Joshua. Joshua passed away peacefully in his sleep on February 13, 2013.

The journey was long, but Joshua’s spirit was so strong. He made such a huge impact on the world in such a short amount of time. We learned so much from him, including: living life to the fullest, enjoying the small moments in life, and being strong during adversity. We feel driven to help keep his powerful spirit alive and touch as many people we can with his amazing story.

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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Emotionally Draining Anniversaries & Holidays

10:00 PM

So, for those of you who follow this blog consistently, you have probably noticed how often there seems to be an "anniversary" for little Joshua. Joshua was born on the 1st of December...so every 1st of the month is an anniversary. Joshua passed away on the 13th of February...so two weeks after his birthday, we have his angel day.

This alone has been a lot to handle, but lets add in the other holidays/anniversaries that have happened in between: Easter, Mother's Day, designing the headstone, the headstone being placed, family trips, etc. Basically, there have been a lot of days that remind me of him not being here....

Now, we have Memorial Day coming up. Sometimes, I just feel drained with all the emotion that comes with these anniversaries/holidays. I just don't know where it is going to come from this weekend. I guess we will just wait and see...

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Monday, May 20, 2013

Walking through Walmart

9:07 AM

Picture from here

It is funny how so many realizations about people happen at Walmart. You see so many different people and our eyes are opened to so many different things. Well, I had my own realization about people a few weeks ago. As I walked through the doors, I realized something rather significant:

No one in that store knew my story.

Unless I happened to run into a neighbor or friend, not a single person knew about my little Joshua and the pain I have been through the past few months. It was a strange feeling. It seems like since my whole world was shaken like a 10-point earthquake that everyone in the whole world should have felt something! But the truth is, not everyone in the world knows and I can't expect them to unless I tell them.

With that came another conclusion...I didn't know anything about anyone in that store either. There very well could have been another young mom who just buried her baby within the last few months as well! There could be someone fighting cancer. There could be someone who has lost their job and they don't know how they are going to pay for the purchases they need. I didn't know anything.

It made me want to treat people better. It made me want to try to brighten someone's day, even if it was just a little smile or letting them go first in the check out line. It made me see people differently.

The truth is we all have hard times. We all have bad days and bad hours. We all go through times that we could use a little bit of extra love. So, next time you are walking in a public place, make a point to give a smile or say "good morning" or just open the door for them. Just be nice because you never know what they are going through.

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Saturday, May 18, 2013

Running with Angels 2013 Review!

1:55 PM

We had the wonderful opportunity to participate in the Running with Angels 5K Walk/Run at Thanksgiving Point. It turned out to be a really wonderful morning, even though it was very cold...and VERY wet! I could feel Joshua with us and it felt so good to do something in his honor.

Last night, I went and picked up our packet with our running numbers, t-shirts, and other goodies that came with registration. It was then that I realized I was actually going to be walking a 5K! I had been focused so much on the dove release in my head, I didn't really think about the 3 miles I would have to run. Even though I didn't end up walking the whole thing (I would have, but Logan was miserably cold and I took him to the car to get warm), I was proud of myself for what I did, especially knowing it was for Joshua.

One thing I loved about this experience was thinking of a special way to showcase our little angel during the run. People did all sorts of things, including making special shirts, hats, and writing the angel's names on a special "In Memory Of" bib. I decided to make our own bib to wear on our backs. They were all the same except mine said "Mommy's Angel", Tim's said "Daddy's Angel", and Logan's said "Brother Josh".

Logan LOVED carrying his picture of "Josh" around and showing anyone who would look.

Showing off our little Joshua!

Another thing we did was wear our "I {heart} Joshua" t-shirts. These shirts were designed by my brother and his wife while Joshua was still here. They started a special campaign for Joshua and they have now become a wonderful way for us to keep Joshua close.

Like we mentioned before, we had the wonderful opportunity to release doves before the race began. These doves were in memory of all the angels that people were running for that day. It was such an honor to represent these wonderful families and to think about their little angels.

Getting ready to release the doves

Logan was fascinated by them!

That is, until they were out of the cage...then they were a little scary.

But it was so neat to see all the doves fly away together in a big flock! It was such a beautiful moment!

Then, it was time for the race to begin! It was also time for the rain to begin. We were only about 1/2 a mile into the race when we were completely soaked! In fact, I had to cut some serious corners and get poor Logan boy out of the rain and into the nice warm car. If we had remembered the ponchos at home, he would have had a much more pleasant experience.

But, we were lucky to have Tim's sister and her husband come and they were able to stay in the car with Logan and help us get some pictures of going across the finish line! I met up with Tim when he got there and we finished together.

The soaking wet victors! (But really...my sweatshirt weighed about 10x more then it normally did because of water!)

It really was a wonderful experience! It was so perfect to be able to honor little Joshua in such a special way! I hope we can do something like this in the future.

Another great part of the morning was seeing this wonderful lady! Carolyn Kasteler is the founder of the program Angel Watch, which is the program the 5K benefited. I feel so blessed to have her as a very dear family friend and a "love aunt". She was a great help for me while we were going through everything with Joshua and she has been even more help as we go through the grieving process. Her program has helped countless families make a tragedy into priceless memories.

Thank you to my dear sister-in-law and her family for coming and for the countless other people that wanted to be there, but couldn't make it! We are so humbled by the love and support we have received through this whole experience. We love you all so much!

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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Family Pictures with an Angel

9:06 AM

One thing that has been difficult since little Joshua's passing has been figuring out how to do family pictures. It just seemed wrong to do a family picture without our little man with us, but I knew we couldn't just never take pictures again! So, I started to brainstorm and asked some other angel moms what their family does. We came up with a pretty wonderful list and it makes taking family pictures a little easier.

As I thought through this issue, I realized something...Joshua is our angel and he is ALWAYS there, even though you can't see him. I feel his presence all the time and I think the key to our family pictures is to include some sort of reminder that he is there. Here are some of the ideas that we came up with.

1) Have someone hold an 8x10 picture.

2) Wear one of my Mommy Necklaces. In this one, I am wearing my necklace with Joshua's finger print. This one is definitely more subtle, but for me, I know that little Joshua is there.

3) Hold a stuffed animal or other object that represents the angel. For us, it would probably be a little stuffed giraffe that was always in his hospital bed.

4) Have something in the picture that reminds you that the angel it there. One of my angel mom friends shared an experience when they took family pictures at their home. Once the pictures were printed, she noticed a cupboard open in the background. At first, this bothered her and then, she thought of her little angel and some of the imperfections in her health. Now, the open cupboard is a representation of her angel's presence.

Do you guys have any other ideas? I have years and years of family pictures to do in the future and I would love to hear how you might include a little angel.

Thank you to the wonderful Valerie for these beautiful pictures!

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Monday, May 13, 2013

The Headstone is Here!

10:39 PM

After a little bit of drama with the monument place, Joshua's headstone is finally placed! We are both trilled with it. I am just so glad to have something there to see and that there is something there for everyone else to see when they visit.

I do not think it was a coincidence that the stone was placed today...exactly 3 months since his passing. These dates come so often (every 1st and every 13th of the month...plus holidays like Mother's Day and Easter) that it is draining sometimes. I think this was one way the Lord could remind me that He is with us during this difficult time. We are truly blessed to have this small, but significant tender mercy.

There were a few things that were very important to us when we designed the headstone:

1) His picture: So much of Joshua's spirit could be felt when you looked into his eyes and I feel that people get a small glimpse of that with this picture. It was a must.

2) "Heart Hero": Tim wanted to give people a little clue as to why Joshua's mortal life was so short. After a few brainstorming sessions, we came up with the Heart Hero inside the heart. Although there was no possible way of explaining everything, we feel that this small clue will be a little hint as to what his life was like.

3) Our full names: I feel that headstones can be a very important link for family history generations down the road. I wanted to make sure people knew little Joshua belonged to us.

4) Families are Forever: Yes...this may be a cliche phrase for a headstone, but now I understand why! Those three words bring hope and light amidst some serious darkness. That simple but profound gospel principle is everything to our family, especially since Joshua's passing. It was only fit that we include those words as a permanent testimony to our beliefs.

So, I can breath a sigh of relief that it is finally done. Joshua's memory has a permanent place in the world. Generations of people will see his name and hopefully feel his tender spirit while visiting. I am so grateful to have something there to remind me of him.

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Saturday, May 11, 2013

My new view of Mothers' Day

9:56 PM

This is only my 3rd Mothers' Day as a mom with kids, but I have been celebrating Mothers' Day for much longer than that.

It began with the years my siblings and I would wake up early to make my mom breakfast in bed. She would eat the soggy eggs and watery orange juice while opening homemade presents we made at school. We were so excited to show her how much we loved her and cared for her.

As I got older, Mothers' Day became a day when I would ponder my future role as a mother. It was something I wanted desperately. This idea became even more defining once I was married and we started talking about our future family. Having my other half share my desire for children made me want to be a mother even more. Yes...Mothers' Day was special then, as well. Then, my first year with little Logan was wonderful. I was finally a Mother. I thought I had reached my full understanding of what Mothers' Day was going to mean to me.

Then...we have this year. Now, I am a mother who has lost a child. Suddenly, I find myself pondering this divine role of motherhood and what it means to all women in the world. My eyes have been opened to the plethora of situations that come with the role "motherhood":

Women who have one or more children
Women who have lost one (or more) children
Women who have had miscarriages or stillborns
Women who are empty nesters
Women who struggle with infertility
Women who are raising their grandkids
Women who see their children making poor choices
Women who have children with special needs
Women who have children with chronic health issues
Etc, Etc, Etc

As I went through this list in my head, I made a realization: Motherhood brings the greatest joy and also some of the most difficult pain in all of life. Why, I wondered, do the pains that come with motherhood hurt so darn bad? Why does losing a child hurt forever? Why does it hurt so bad when you want children and can't get pregnant? Why does the pain of losing a pregnancy have to be so consuming?

I found the answer when I was reading a talk by the wonderful Sheri Dew. She was one of the leaders of the women's organization of the LDS church and was never married or had any children. In one of her talks to the women of the church, she made this statement:

Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

Motherhood DEFINES our very identity as women. It is our role in mortality to be mothers. That is why the pains of motherhood hurt so much...because motherhood is the very nature of women.

So, this Mothers' Day, I hope you will take a few moments to think about each and every woman in your life. Whether they are mothers to their own children or not, we are all mothers by our very nature as women. I think that is why Mothers' Day always seemed like more to me than a day to love my mom (although, it definitely was!). It was a day to celebrate the very nature of all women.

I am extremely grateful for my dear mother and all she has done. I am grateful that she went through the pains and heartaches that come with motherhood so she could be my mom. This past year, especially, has been so hard for me...a refiners fire to say the least, and my mom has been instrumental in helping me grow through it all.

I am also grateful to be called "mommy" by two of the most beautiful boys in the world. One who helps me recognize the beauties of each moment of every day in mortality and one that keeps me looking forward to the eternities. I love you, sweet boys. You are my life and I can't wait to be with all of you and any future siblings together in our eternal life. Even though I have experienced some of the deepest pains a person can feel through my journey of motherhood, being your mother is my greatest joy.