(Written April 1-Joshua's 4 month birthday)

Holy Cow...I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.  What a rough day it has been.  Honestly, there were a lot of things that happened today that made it difficult...things I won't write about here, but having it be Joshua's 4 month birthday just made everything seem more emotional then it probably would have normally been.

That is the weird thing about grief...it is always there and always has to make its appearance when it is least convenient.  It is not something you can really control very well.  Well, I can control it when everything else is going great, but when other emotional things are going on, it just comes to the surface.

After a long day, we decided to take a few decorations to Joshua's grave to celebrate his little birthday.  We finished decorating and after a little while, it was time to go.  I told Tim to put Logan in the car and I would be right behind him...and then I had a nice, good cry.  Honestly, it was one of the first times I have really let myself sob since the few weeks after he passed away.  I just couldn't hold it in...my emotions were too much to hold in.

 I have to say, however, that I did feel a little more in check once I was done...especially after a perfect hug from my sweet husband.  While the ache is still there tonight as I lay in bed getting ready to go to sleep, I feel like I will wake up feeling much better.  Sometimes, I just need a really good, hard cry and a good night sleep...then I am ready to take on another day.

While I am slowly doing it, I think it is going to take a while to figure out this new normal of mine.  A normal that includes days of sobbing, a normal of emotional days being extra emotional because of grief, and a normal that includes the ache in my heart coming up when it is least convenient.  In time, it will slowly become my new normal.

Here are some of the pictures of Joshua's grave for his 4 month birthday: