I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do!  A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time.  Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me).  Everyone went back to their everyday life.  The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder.  Especially at night.

Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight.  The ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come.  Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone.  Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.

It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly.  There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over.  What is done is done.  This baby is already developed.  But try telling that to my subconscious.  Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest.  Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms.  Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming.  I am nervous and my whole body knows it.  Gosh, I just want this to be over.

This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua.  I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one.  Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves.  Why?  Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain!  Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them?  No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.

*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head.  Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow.  But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...

People keep asking me about our plans once this baby arrives. Where is the baby going to sleep? How do you think Logan will handle this next baby? You know...the "thinking about the future" questions. Honestly, the answer I always have to give is, "I haven't even thought about it..." 

This week marked 7 months since little Joshua passed.  As people have realized this, many have expressed how quickly the time has passed and how it seems like just yesterday.  For me, however, it has been an eternity and I can't believe we are not marking years yet...

I was warned a few months ago by a professional that many families find that their grief returns pretty harshly around 6 months.  So, I had prepared myself last month for a difficult time.  However, it was really not that bad.  I was able to get through the day/week pretty well!  I boasted to myself that I must be doing pretty well...excited that I was able to make it through a time pretty easily that many others struggle with. 

However, I have been humbled.  My difficult time did not come at 6, but 7 months.  Really, it has been ever since we scheduled the ultrasound for my pregnancy have many of the emotions of not have Joshua here have come very close to the surface.  Maybe it is because I am pregnant and already extra emotional.  Maybe it is my subconscious struggling with the idea of moving on to the next chapter of our life.  Maybe everyone goes through a harder time "around" 6 months because their subconscious is trying to move on and just can't yet. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been hard and I have just wanted to give my boy one more kiss and hold him close one more time.

So, with this little background, I began to prepare for the Intermountain Healing Hearts Annual Walk for Healing Hearts.  It is IHH's annual fundraiser and they honor all heart heros, including all the angels.  Every angel family prepares a poster to display for everyone to get to know them and they even do a beautiful butterfly release for them.  It was perfect timing for me to have something to look forward to, something that would honor sweet Joshua and let him know that even though life is moving forward, we will never forget him. 

I didn't know what to expect once we had the date set...maybe I just thought I would continue to ignore the fact that this pregnancy got closer and closer to the half way mark and the infamous 20 week ultrasounds scan. However, at my last appointment with my OB, we set the date and all of the sudden, everything became very, very real.

I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks.  I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day!  There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet.  However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all.  Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there.  Yes, that was a hard day.

I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year!  For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away.  For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean.  I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment.  The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"

Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race.  It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news. 

Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get.  There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do?  I keep busy and try not to think about it.  What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now?  What is the point of stressing over something I can't change?  No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible.  It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.

Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans.  This is the right course we are suppose to be on.  I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey.  Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...