Monday, September 23, 2013

The distractions are gone...

I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do!  A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time.  Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me).  Everyone went back to their everyday life.  The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder.  Especially at night.

Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight.  The ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come.  Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone.  Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.

It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly.  There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over.  What is done is done.  This baby is already developed.  But try telling that to my subconscious.  Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest.  Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms.  Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming.  I am nervous and my whole body knows it.  Gosh, I just want this to be over.

This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua.  I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one.  Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves.  Why?  Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain!  Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them?  No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.

*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head.  Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow.  But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...

1 comment:

  1. Like you said, I can't tell you everything will be fine because I have no idea. But I can say I know Heavenly Father is in control and knows what's best for us and what we can handle, so in that way, everything WILL be fine. It doesn't mean it's not hard and frightening, of course--I've gone through enough trying times in my own life to know that's never the case even if we do put our trust in Him. But He will calm your troubled heart. I can promise you that. You're great, Stephanie. I admire your strength so much! Please let me know how everything goes. You (and Tim) are in my thoughts and prayers!

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Joshua Kent Ipson was born December 1, 2012 with a very complicated combination of congenital heart defects. After 2 1/2 months of fighting for his life, he passed away on February 13, 2013. We invite you to share our experiences as we grieve his loss, rejoice in God's plan, & keep Joshua's message of hope alive.
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