I didn't know what to expect once we had the date set...maybe I just thought I would continue to ignore the fact that this pregnancy got closer and closer to the half way mark and the infamous 20 week ultrasounds scan. However, at my last appointment with my OB, we set the date and all of the sudden, everything became very, very real.

I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks.  I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day!  There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet.  However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all.  Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there.  Yes, that was a hard day.

I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year!  For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away.  For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean.  I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment.  The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"

Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race.  It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news. 

Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get.  There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do?  I keep busy and try not to think about it.  What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now?  What is the point of stressing over something I can't change?  No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible.  It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.

Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans.  This is the right course we are suppose to be on.  I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey.  Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...