I have met a number of angel moms over the past year.  Actually, many of them I already knew, but I see them in a much different light now.  There is a very special, unexplainable bond between two moms who have both lost a child.  We don't have to say a word to each other or even meet in person.  We just get each other...we can love each other in a way that no one else can.

Many of these angel moms have gone a very long time without their child.  10 years, 20 years....some even 30 years since the passing of their children.  Honestly, when I think that in 30 years that will be me saying that, I get tired.  It just seems so long...so much time has to pass before I see my little boy again.  Sometimes, I just take a deep breath and sigh...so much time.

But my perspective has changed a bit.  My mother was talking with a good friend of hers who lost her daughter over 30 years ago.  This wonderful woman is done raising the rest of her kids and is retired.  She is at the end of her life, not really expecting to die any time soon, but knowing that it is coming sooner rather than later.  It was interesting to hear her perspective.  When she thinks about seeing her daughter again, she gets an excited jump in her heart thinking about it.  She described it as the feeling you get when you are anticipating a trip to Europe that you have been planning for years and it is now only a year away.  There is light at the end of this tunnel and she can see that light much more clearly than she has before.

Oh, time can seem like such a burden.  Sometimes, it can seem like it is working against you.  But, when I heard about this woman's perspective, I couldn't help but get excited.  She has lived a very full life with so much for her to be proud of, and the Lord to be proud of.  Now, as she waits the last little bit of time before seeing her daughter again, she can do so with excited anticipation, knowing that she will indeed see her soon.

I want to spend my 20, 30, 40 years (however long the Lord needs) living my life so I can feel that same anticipation.  While it is still overwhelming to think of that much time needing to pass, I know that it is time I am suppose to have.  Time that I can use to do a lot of good in the world.  Time that the Lord has given me that I need to take advantage of.  I hope the Lord can help me know how best to use my time...and that I will be worthy to live with all my family, including Joshua, someday.

I know I have lots to write up from the past month.  Joshua turned one year old two weeks ago. We passed the 10 month mark of his passing.  We have begun the time of year that we remember having him here.  The Christmas celebrations have begun.  Yes...lots of things to write about.

Today, however, I wanted to account my experience from church today.  I have had the pleasure of being the director of our church choir and today was our Christmas program.  We only sang one song as a choir and it is a song that we picked out 2 months ago.  Today, during the performance, did I really start to understand the words and they sunk in.

The song in "Promise Savior, Promised King" by Sally Deford. The first two verses remind us of the many prophecies of the coming of the Savior and set the stage of the Christmas scene. 

Promised Savior, promised King,
Come down to earth from heaven
Child of whom the angels sing
Their song of adoration
Behold the star above Him rise,
‘Tis heaven’s brightest gem
A beacon to our longing eyes
When the light of day grows dim

Shepherds watching in the fields,
Now hasten to the stable
There to honor Him, there to kneel
And worship at His cradle
While in the east the wise men greet
The light that o’er them shines
And goes before to guide their feet
As they seek the Child divine

With the beautiful scene set in our minds, the poem continues to explain the very impact of the message...what this humble birth really means to our life:

The Holy Infant long foretold,
In lowly manger sleeping
Is comfort to the sorrowing soul,
He is solace to the weeping
He is hope, He is love sent from afar,
God’s Lamb and offering
He is Lord, He is sovereign of my heart
Promised Savior, promised King

I think Christmas will always be a time when my grief is a little closer to the surface.  It is a time when family gathers...and I will always have in the back of my mind that my whole family is not together right now.  Oh, but how blessed I am to know that the Promised Savior has come.  His birth, His life, His death, and His resurrection truly does bring solace to the weeping and comfort to a sorrowing soul. 

How blessed I am to know that He is Lord and sovereign of my heart. During this tender time of year, this is the message I want to remember and hold close.  I will see my little Joshua boy again...and it is all because a little baby was born many years ago in Bethlehem.  The promised Savior has come and He will come again.

Listen to this beautiful song here.

Man...another family lost a heart baby this week.  This time, it was actually someone I knew before.  The night this little baby passed away, I couldn't help but think of those dear parents...trying so hard to comprehend what had just happened, but unable to.  Trying to sleep, but being woken up by dreams of those final moments.  Feeling the weight on their chest from the grief...the tangible, cut-it-with a knife grief.  (*sigh*).  It was heartbreaking for me to think of another week couple having to go through that. 

Dear Joshua-
Happy Halloween, sweet boy.  I wanted to let you know today that I am thinking a lot about you.  I was at the store yesterday and saw so many costumes that I know would have looked so darling on you.  I wondered what we would have dressed you up as...maybe a monster or super hero.  Maybe we would have coordinated your costume with your older brother. Whatever we would have done, it would have been so much fun to dress you up.

Last night, our family went to our ward Halloween party.  As I laid in bed that night, I wondered if you would have been able to go with us or not.  Cold and flu season is hitting full force and we always had to be so careful when it came to germs.  I realized that now, you can come to those events with us without concern.  I know you were there celebrating with us, even if we couldn't see you. 

Joshua, we are coming up on the season of the year that I remember having you with me.  You were born at the beginning of December, but November was the month we were anticipating your birth.  I feel like a lot of grieving feelings are starting to resurface a little bit.  I am missing you.  I so wish that I could actually dress you up instead of just dream of it.  I so wish I could hear all the comments from people about how cute you look in your costume. I wish we could take you trick or treating, even if it was only a few houses. I wish you were going to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I wish I didn't have to wish all these things. 

Yes, I am taking a few minutes to be selfish today.  I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering.  I know that the Lord has so much in store for you. You have a mission, Joshua.  That mission is what keeps me from being mad or extremely upset on most days.  However, today, I wish I could just give you one more hug and kiss and then send you on your way. 

Joshua, please be with me today.  Let me know that you are ok and help me feel your presence.  You are always in my thoughts and I love you for eternity.

Your mother

Wow...what a difference 24 hours can make.  I woke up this morning after a very rough night.  I could not stop thinking about the ultrasound just hours away and my mind would not turn off.  I couldn't help but think that this was the day that we would find out so much more about what type of journey this little baby would bring...

I woke up and the first thing I did was check my e-mail and check my facebook page.  One of my friends on facebook posted a quote from the famous musical, The Sound of Music.  "What will this day be like, I wonder?  What will my future be, I wonder?"
As Maria's voice sang those words in my head, I couldn't help but think it was the perfect theme song for my day.  The results of the ultrasound would be the answer to those rather deep questions.  The future of my family would be determined today...

So, we got in the car and started driving, really not understanding all the tender mercies the Lord had for us. First, we were able to have it be scheduled first thing in the morning.  We were almost late and it really didn't give us much time to think too much about it.  Another tender mercy:  They had completely remodeled the office.  This was the office that I had come for some my appointments for Joshua, every week for the last month or so of that pregnancy.  I was nervous to be going into those doors again, but it looked different, so that made it a little bit easier. Finally, we got one of the doctors and nurses that we saw with Joshua.  It was a group of people that understand what it must be like to be going through a pregnancy after an experience like we had with Joshua. They were all amazing.

Sooner than I was really ready for, the ultrasound tech was in the room and we were looking at our baby.  The tech could not really tell us anything as she went through each part of the body...starting with the brain, going down the spine, measuring bones, and finally, landing on the heart.  I knew right away that the heart looked WAY different than Joshua's...we had seen his broken heart so many times that the picture is permanently on my memory.  This heart looked like the ones I had seen in my PDBio textbook...the way it is suppose to look.  While the tech did not tell us any specifics, I knew right away that if this baby had any defects with the heart, they would be minor compared to Joshua's.

However, the tension in the room was still very tangible.  There were just too many things that could be wrong that we would not recognize. So, we sat alone after the tech left and waited for the fateful words of the doctors.  She walked in and recognized us...first thing she did was ask about Joshua.  I should have seen that coming (how in the world would they know, since we didn't tell them and they are not connected with Primary's?).  After telling her the sad news, she became much more understanding as to why we were there.  After expressing some heart felt condolences, she said, "so, this is a little bit of a stressful day for you."   Yep...she got that right.

So, she pulled up the pictures and started going though each part...brain, perfect.  Bones, perfect.  Growth, perfect.  Stomach, perfect.  Fluid levels, perfect.  Now, the heart...EVERYTHING looked perfect.  Her exact words, "There is nothing here that would warn me that there is anything to worry about."  When she finished, I don't think the words had really sunk in to either Tim or I.  She looked at us and said, "You guys still look very concerned."  I realized that every muscle in my body was still tense.  We were both waiting for her to give the bad news...the "but I do see this..." phrase.  However, it didn't come.  All the news had been given, and all of it was good.

I started to cry after the doctor left...I just couldn't believe it.  I had convinced myself that something would be wrong.  Now, I had to completely change everything I had thought.  I was beyond relieved.  I don't think I really understood how stressed I had been about this baby until the weight was off my shoulder.  I felt like I could skip and jump so high!  This baby was healthy...and that was more than I could comprehend.  Honestly, it took me a good 24 hours to really get it.

Then, I had one more thing to take in...not only was this little baby healthy, but I now had to prepare to have my first GIRL!  Now, I remember having a prayer with Heavenly Father about the gender of this baby.  I said, "Father, you obviously think our family is ready for another baby, even though I am not sure we are.  However, I know I am not ready for another boy.  I just want to start over with the clothes.  Please, if you could, let me have a girl this time.  Please, let me heal from loosing Joshua just a little longer before we bring another baby boy to this family."  So, when they said this baby was a girl, I knew that the Lord had answered my prayers.  I was so grateful that He allowed this tender mercy in my life.  I couldn't be more thrilled to go buy pink...and to let the blue stay in my heart for just a little longer.

Next step?  If we feel it necessary, we will have a fetal echo done in a few weeks, just to double check everything.  We could also have another ultrasound between 32-34 weeks to check for some other rare defects.  But for now? I am just enjoying the fact that everything looked great for now...and saying lots of prayers of thanks.

I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do!  A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time.  Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me).  Everyone went back to their everyday life.  The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder.  Especially at night.

Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight.  The ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come.  Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone.  Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.

It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly.  There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over.  What is done is done.  This baby is already developed.  But try telling that to my subconscious.  Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest.  Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms.  Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming.  I am nervous and my whole body knows it.  Gosh, I just want this to be over.

This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua.  I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one.  Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves.  Why?  Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain!  Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them?  No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.

*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head.  Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow.  But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...

People keep asking me about our plans once this baby arrives. Where is the baby going to sleep? How do you think Logan will handle this next baby? You know...the "thinking about the future" questions. Honestly, the answer I always have to give is, "I haven't even thought about it..."