Well, today is my first trial run being alone since Joshua passed.  My mom left this morning and Tim went to work for a few hours, leaving me home alone with Logan boy.  To be honest, I am doing a little better than I thought I would, but not great.  I find myself thinking way too much...too much about Joshua and what could have been. Today, I am really feeling the ache in my heart...which I have been able to handle pretty well until today.

We put up our family pictures yesterday.  I LOVE how it looks, but I couldn't help but think about how there won't be any more family pictures with our whole family...there will always be someone missing.  We printed some pictures out of Joshua to hang up on the wall as a little memory wall and I find myself looking at them A LOT.  I look at the picture and close my eyes and remember the moment that picture was taken.  I can close my eyes and see his expression and remember kissing his cheeks.  I hope those memories don't fade too quickly.

Our family picture wall put up yesterday.  I love being able to look up at my boys.

Thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law, we have this wonderful frame with the scripture we use to help us through all of Joshua's life (and even now).  I love that I can switch out the pictures every so often so we are looking at different ones all the time.

I am also having a hard time today because Tim and I didn't get any videos of Joshua.  Not really sure how that happened, but it is the one thing I regret.  Fortunately, my parents have one short video of him when he was first born, which is such a miracle.  I try hard not to dwell too much on what could have been with the videos.  It is just SO frustrating to not be able to do anything about it.  I have decided to start working on my book I want to make about Joshua and hopefully that will help me not be so frustrated.

Anyway, I am allowing myself to have a little bit of a hard time today...but I try hard not to stay in that too long.  The last thing I need is to spiral down into depression.  Everyone, just give your kids an extra hug and kiss today...and maybe shoot a quick video for me.