I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do!  A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time.  Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me).  Everyone went back to their everyday life.  The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder.  Especially at night.

Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight.  The ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come.  Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone.  Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.

It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly.  There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over.  What is done is done.  This baby is already developed.  But try telling that to my subconscious.  Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest.  Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms.  Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming.  I am nervous and my whole body knows it.  Gosh, I just want this to be over.

This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua.  I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one.  Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves.  Why?  Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain!  Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them?  No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.

*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head.  Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow.  But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...

People keep asking me about our plans once this baby arrives. Where is the baby going to sleep? How do you think Logan will handle this next baby? You know...the "thinking about the future" questions. Honestly, the answer I always have to give is, "I haven't even thought about it..." 

This week marked 7 months since little Joshua passed.  As people have realized this, many have expressed how quickly the time has passed and how it seems like just yesterday.  For me, however, it has been an eternity and I can't believe we are not marking years yet...

I was warned a few months ago by a professional that many families find that their grief returns pretty harshly around 6 months.  So, I had prepared myself last month for a difficult time.  However, it was really not that bad.  I was able to get through the day/week pretty well!  I boasted to myself that I must be doing pretty well...excited that I was able to make it through a time pretty easily that many others struggle with. 

However, I have been humbled.  My difficult time did not come at 6, but 7 months.  Really, it has been ever since we scheduled the ultrasound for my pregnancy have many of the emotions of not have Joshua here have come very close to the surface.  Maybe it is because I am pregnant and already extra emotional.  Maybe it is my subconscious struggling with the idea of moving on to the next chapter of our life.  Maybe everyone goes through a harder time "around" 6 months because their subconscious is trying to move on and just can't yet. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been hard and I have just wanted to give my boy one more kiss and hold him close one more time.

So, with this little background, I began to prepare for the Intermountain Healing Hearts Annual Walk for Healing Hearts.  It is IHH's annual fundraiser and they honor all heart heros, including all the angels.  Every angel family prepares a poster to display for everyone to get to know them and they even do a beautiful butterfly release for them.  It was perfect timing for me to have something to look forward to, something that would honor sweet Joshua and let him know that even though life is moving forward, we will never forget him. 

I didn't know what to expect once we had the date set...maybe I just thought I would continue to ignore the fact that this pregnancy got closer and closer to the half way mark and the infamous 20 week ultrasounds scan. However, at my last appointment with my OB, we set the date and all of the sudden, everything became very, very real.

I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks.  I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day!  There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet.  However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all.  Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there.  Yes, that was a hard day.

I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year!  For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away.  For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean.  I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment.  The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"

Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race.  It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news. 

Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get.  There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do?  I keep busy and try not to think about it.  What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now?  What is the point of stressing over something I can't change?  No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible.  It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.

Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans.  This is the right course we are suppose to be on.  I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey.  Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...

The news is finally public.  We are expecting Baby Ipson #3 to make his/her appearance sometime around February 10, 2014.  Right now, I am almost 15 weeks along.  

I got very little sleep last night.  I had a nightmare and woke up at about 2am and could not get back to sleep.  Finally, around 6am, my body crashed, only to be woken up an hour later by a very excited toddler who was ready to play.  Needless to say, it has been a long day.

Last night reminded me of the many sleepless nights I had during the first few months after Joshua passed away.  I sat down many times to blog about them, but they were very hard to write about.  They were some of the darkest times of this whole experience and I just did not want to rehash it all. I finally had been able to get it all out one day a few months ago, but I was still afraid to share it.  I feel better now about it and I want others to know that this could be something they experience after loosing a loved one.  It is normal to have a hard time at night.

Post written almost two months after Joshua past away:

I have talked to a few moms now who have lost children and I have noticed one common thread in all our grieving journeys...there is always at least one (if not more) things that we don't want to share with others or that takes a long time to feel like we can.  For some, it is memories.  For others, precious pictures.  For me...I have been afraid to talk about some of the things that I face at night.

I'm not really sure why I haven't been able to post about this...I haven't really had problems posting anything else.  But, honestly, I have begun probably 3-4 different posts over the past 7 weeks and just couldn't bring myself to type the words.  Maybe part of me worried that it would get worse when I typed them...maybe I didn't want people to feel sorry for me...maybe I just didn't want to go over it all again during the day knowing I would likely have to face these images and feelings once the sun went down.

Now, the nights are getting a little easier, so I am trying again.  For me, nights have been the hardest.  It is the time when the world goes to sleep and I am left with my thoughts.  There are two main things that make the nights difficult-

1) Reliving the morning he passed away:  These images still haunt me every once in a while.  It is the closest thing I can imagine having PTSD. The images of that stressful morning would literally haunt my mind.  All the adrenaline would start pumping through my body, I would see Tim doing CPR, I would relive running through the halls of the ER and turning the corner into the room and see Joshua's lifeless body on the table.  Seeing his face-it looked the same as it did when he first came of out surgery...but this time, there were no machines or medicines keeping him alive.  I would find myself awake at 4am, realizing it was the time it all started, and my body would start to shake.  There were some nights I couldn't keep my hands from shaking...let alone close my eyes and rest.

There has only been one thing that seemed to have helped these nightmares. Some may find it strange...actually, I still do a little.  I have to sleep with the blanket he passed away in.  I know...it sounds crazy...but it was the last place his spirit was and I feel his calming touch when I hold it.  I can hold it and remember the wonderful times of holding him...the happy, wonderful memories fill my mind and I can settle down.

2) Worrying something else bad might happen.  Before Joshua passed away, I would find peace in the idea that "oh, those bad things won't happen to us."  You know, the things we all worry about-house fires, break ins-but worst of all that something would happen to my other child. However, once something bad happen to me, I realized I am not immune to bad things.  I have found myself checking the fire alarms at 3am because I can't shake the feeling that there is going to be a fire and we aren't going to wake up.  I would get up 3-4 different times to check that the door and windows are locked.  I have checked on Logan more times in the past 7 weeks than I think I have in his whole life.  I have even broken my own rule and let him sleep with us multiple nights simply because I can't settle knowing something could happen to him in the other room and we wouldn't know about it. 

So, now it is all out in the open.  I can honestly say that these night really don't happen any more.  I have figured out some ways to get the thoughts out of my head from that awful morning.  I still use the blanket, but I also read my scripture and also close my eyes and see his beautiful eyes and imagine kissing his soft cheeks.  Sometimes I even pull out some pictures of him and me so I can have those memories in the front of my mind instead of the ones I want to forget.

As for the fear of something bad happening, all I can do is make sure I am prepared.  I have put new batteries in the fire alarms.  I lock all the windows and doors at night.  I check on Logan right before I go to sleep and give him lots of kisses.  But mostly, I pray a lot.  I know that as long as the Lord is with me, we can handle anything much easier.  

I have, for obvious reasons, thought a lot about these very topics over the past year. (in fact...it was one year ago last week that we had our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and found out about his heart conditions)  I really do feel like there have been a lot of blessings that have come into our life because of our experience with Joshua, especially our relationship with God.  We had to make a choice early on last year;  the choice was between drawing on our faith in God and trusting Him or turning our back on God and just being angry at Him.  I tried the angry thing for about 1 hour and knew I couldn't handle that.  So, trusting in Him was the only option and I have never looked back.

Now, 1 year after our journey with Joshua began, almost 8 months since he was born, and 5 1/2 months since he past away, I can look back and see the blessings and tender mercies more clearly. God has been with our family every step of this journey and I have no doubt that He will continue to be with our family forever.  We are stronger people because of our little Joshua.

Another dear friend of mine and fellow angel mom posted this music video on her facebook page yesterday.  This beautiful song was exactly what I have been thinking about for a long time.  I love how Hillary Weeks does not down play the difficulty of our situations.  What we have to go through is hard and it is ok to want it to be gone.  But, how wonderful it is to see where we end up when we can finally have the eyes to recognize our change.  Our trials truly do become a "Beautiful Heartbreak".