I have met a number of angel moms over the past year.  Actually, many of them I already knew, but I see them in a much different light now.  There is a very special, unexplainable bond between two moms who have both lost a child.  We don't have to say a word to each other or even meet in person.  We just get each other...we can love each other in a way that no one else can.

Many of these angel moms have gone a very long time without their child.  10 years, 20 years....some even 30 years since the passing of their children.  Honestly, when I think that in 30 years that will be me saying that, I get tired.  It just seems so long...so much time has to pass before I see my little boy again.  Sometimes, I just take a deep breath and sigh...so much time.

But my perspective has changed a bit.  My mother was talking with a good friend of hers who lost her daughter over 30 years ago.  This wonderful woman is done raising the rest of her kids and is retired.  She is at the end of her life, not really expecting to die any time soon, but knowing that it is coming sooner rather than later.  It was interesting to hear her perspective.  When she thinks about seeing her daughter again, she gets an excited jump in her heart thinking about it.  She described it as the feeling you get when you are anticipating a trip to Europe that you have been planning for years and it is now only a year away.  There is light at the end of this tunnel and she can see that light much more clearly than she has before.

Oh, time can seem like such a burden.  Sometimes, it can seem like it is working against you.  But, when I heard about this woman's perspective, I couldn't help but get excited.  She has lived a very full life with so much for her to be proud of, and the Lord to be proud of.  Now, as she waits the last little bit of time before seeing her daughter again, she can do so with excited anticipation, knowing that she will indeed see her soon.

I want to spend my 20, 30, 40 years (however long the Lord needs) living my life so I can feel that same anticipation.  While it is still overwhelming to think of that much time needing to pass, I know that it is time I am suppose to have.  Time that I can use to do a lot of good in the world.  Time that the Lord has given me that I need to take advantage of.  I hope the Lord can help me know how best to use my time...and that I will be worthy to live with all my family, including Joshua, someday.

I know I have lots to write up from the past month.  Joshua turned one year old two weeks ago. We passed the 10 month mark of his passing.  We have begun the time of year that we remember having him here.  The Christmas celebrations have begun.  Yes...lots of things to write about.

Today, however, I wanted to account my experience from church today.  I have had the pleasure of being the director of our church choir and today was our Christmas program.  We only sang one song as a choir and it is a song that we picked out 2 months ago.  Today, during the performance, did I really start to understand the words and they sunk in.

The song in "Promise Savior, Promised King" by Sally Deford. The first two verses remind us of the many prophecies of the coming of the Savior and set the stage of the Christmas scene. 

Promised Savior, promised King,
Come down to earth from heaven
Child of whom the angels sing
Their song of adoration
Behold the star above Him rise,
‘Tis heaven’s brightest gem
A beacon to our longing eyes
When the light of day grows dim

Shepherds watching in the fields,
Now hasten to the stable
There to honor Him, there to kneel
And worship at His cradle
While in the east the wise men greet
The light that o’er them shines
And goes before to guide their feet
As they seek the Child divine

With the beautiful scene set in our minds, the poem continues to explain the very impact of the message...what this humble birth really means to our life:

The Holy Infant long foretold,
In lowly manger sleeping
Is comfort to the sorrowing soul,
He is solace to the weeping
He is hope, He is love sent from afar,
God’s Lamb and offering
He is Lord, He is sovereign of my heart
Promised Savior, promised King

I think Christmas will always be a time when my grief is a little closer to the surface.  It is a time when family gathers...and I will always have in the back of my mind that my whole family is not together right now.  Oh, but how blessed I am to know that the Promised Savior has come.  His birth, His life, His death, and His resurrection truly does bring solace to the weeping and comfort to a sorrowing soul. 

How blessed I am to know that He is Lord and sovereign of my heart. During this tender time of year, this is the message I want to remember and hold close.  I will see my little Joshua boy again...and it is all because a little baby was born many years ago in Bethlehem.  The promised Savior has come and He will come again.

Listen to this beautiful song here.

Man...another family lost a heart baby this week.  This time, it was actually someone I knew before.  The night this little baby passed away, I couldn't help but think of those dear parents...trying so hard to comprehend what had just happened, but unable to.  Trying to sleep, but being woken up by dreams of those final moments.  Feeling the weight on their chest from the grief...the tangible, cut-it-with a knife grief.  (*sigh*).  It was heartbreaking for me to think of another week couple having to go through that. 

Dear Joshua-
Happy Halloween, sweet boy.  I wanted to let you know today that I am thinking a lot about you.  I was at the store yesterday and saw so many costumes that I know would have looked so darling on you.  I wondered what we would have dressed you up as...maybe a monster or super hero.  Maybe we would have coordinated your costume with your older brother. Whatever we would have done, it would have been so much fun to dress you up.

Last night, our family went to our ward Halloween party.  As I laid in bed that night, I wondered if you would have been able to go with us or not.  Cold and flu season is hitting full force and we always had to be so careful when it came to germs.  I realized that now, you can come to those events with us without concern.  I know you were there celebrating with us, even if we couldn't see you. 

Joshua, we are coming up on the season of the year that I remember having you with me.  You were born at the beginning of December, but November was the month we were anticipating your birth.  I feel like a lot of grieving feelings are starting to resurface a little bit.  I am missing you.  I so wish that I could actually dress you up instead of just dream of it.  I so wish I could hear all the comments from people about how cute you look in your costume. I wish we could take you trick or treating, even if it was only a few houses. I wish you were going to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I wish I didn't have to wish all these things. 

Yes, I am taking a few minutes to be selfish today.  I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer suffering.  I know that the Lord has so much in store for you. You have a mission, Joshua.  That mission is what keeps me from being mad or extremely upset on most days.  However, today, I wish I could just give you one more hug and kiss and then send you on your way. 

Joshua, please be with me today.  Let me know that you are ok and help me feel your presence.  You are always in my thoughts and I love you for eternity.

Your mother

Wow...what a difference 24 hours can make.  I woke up this morning after a very rough night.  I could not stop thinking about the ultrasound just hours away and my mind would not turn off.  I couldn't help but think that this was the day that we would find out so much more about what type of journey this little baby would bring...

I woke up and the first thing I did was check my e-mail and check my facebook page.  One of my friends on facebook posted a quote from the famous musical, The Sound of Music.  "What will this day be like, I wonder?  What will my future be, I wonder?"
As Maria's voice sang those words in my head, I couldn't help but think it was the perfect theme song for my day.  The results of the ultrasound would be the answer to those rather deep questions.  The future of my family would be determined today...

So, we got in the car and started driving, really not understanding all the tender mercies the Lord had for us. First, we were able to have it be scheduled first thing in the morning.  We were almost late and it really didn't give us much time to think too much about it.  Another tender mercy:  They had completely remodeled the office.  This was the office that I had come for some my appointments for Joshua, every week for the last month or so of that pregnancy.  I was nervous to be going into those doors again, but it looked different, so that made it a little bit easier. Finally, we got one of the doctors and nurses that we saw with Joshua.  It was a group of people that understand what it must be like to be going through a pregnancy after an experience like we had with Joshua. They were all amazing.

Sooner than I was really ready for, the ultrasound tech was in the room and we were looking at our baby.  The tech could not really tell us anything as she went through each part of the body...starting with the brain, going down the spine, measuring bones, and finally, landing on the heart.  I knew right away that the heart looked WAY different than Joshua's...we had seen his broken heart so many times that the picture is permanently on my memory.  This heart looked like the ones I had seen in my PDBio textbook...the way it is suppose to look.  While the tech did not tell us any specifics, I knew right away that if this baby had any defects with the heart, they would be minor compared to Joshua's.

However, the tension in the room was still very tangible.  There were just too many things that could be wrong that we would not recognize. So, we sat alone after the tech left and waited for the fateful words of the doctors.  She walked in and recognized us...first thing she did was ask about Joshua.  I should have seen that coming (how in the world would they know, since we didn't tell them and they are not connected with Primary's?).  After telling her the sad news, she became much more understanding as to why we were there.  After expressing some heart felt condolences, she said, "so, this is a little bit of a stressful day for you."   Yep...she got that right.

So, she pulled up the pictures and started going though each part...brain, perfect.  Bones, perfect.  Growth, perfect.  Stomach, perfect.  Fluid levels, perfect.  Now, the heart...EVERYTHING looked perfect.  Her exact words, "There is nothing here that would warn me that there is anything to worry about."  When she finished, I don't think the words had really sunk in to either Tim or I.  She looked at us and said, "You guys still look very concerned."  I realized that every muscle in my body was still tense.  We were both waiting for her to give the bad news...the "but I do see this..." phrase.  However, it didn't come.  All the news had been given, and all of it was good.

I started to cry after the doctor left...I just couldn't believe it.  I had convinced myself that something would be wrong.  Now, I had to completely change everything I had thought.  I was beyond relieved.  I don't think I really understood how stressed I had been about this baby until the weight was off my shoulder.  I felt like I could skip and jump so high!  This baby was healthy...and that was more than I could comprehend.  Honestly, it took me a good 24 hours to really get it.

Then, I had one more thing to take in...not only was this little baby healthy, but I now had to prepare to have my first GIRL!  Now, I remember having a prayer with Heavenly Father about the gender of this baby.  I said, "Father, you obviously think our family is ready for another baby, even though I am not sure we are.  However, I know I am not ready for another boy.  I just want to start over with the clothes.  Please, if you could, let me have a girl this time.  Please, let me heal from loosing Joshua just a little longer before we bring another baby boy to this family."  So, when they said this baby was a girl, I knew that the Lord had answered my prayers.  I was so grateful that He allowed this tender mercy in my life.  I couldn't be more thrilled to go buy pink...and to let the blue stay in my heart for just a little longer.

Next step?  If we feel it necessary, we will have a fetal echo done in a few weeks, just to double check everything.  We could also have another ultrasound between 32-34 weeks to check for some other rare defects.  But for now? I am just enjoying the fact that everything looked great for now...and saying lots of prayers of thanks.

I remember the few days after Joshua passed away, it all seemed to blend together...there was so much to do!  A funeral to plan, people to greet, decisions to make...all within a few days time.  Then, once the funeral was over, the world went calm (or so it seemed to me).  Everyone went back to their everyday life.  The distractions were gone and for that reason, I believe, the grief hit harder.  Especially at night.

Well, I am having a similar experience on a smaller scale tonight.  The ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have kept myself extremely busy over the past two weeks and I feel like I have done pretty well with distracting myself from what is to come.  Now, at 10pm the night before, those distractions are gone.  Now, I am alone with my thoughts on what tomorrow could mean...what we could discover tomorrow...and I can't calm down.

It is strange how I can tell myself that this is silly.  There really is no point in worrying over something I have ZERO control over.  What is done is done.  This baby is already developed.  But try telling that to my subconscious.  Try telling that to my heart that is beating so fast I think it is going to jump right out of my chest.  Tell that to my blood pressure that, I am sure, is high because I can feel the blood pulsing through my arms.  Tell that to my eyes that just can't seem to keep the tears from coming.  I am nervous and my whole body knows it.  Gosh, I just want this to be over.

This was the point in my pregnancy that started the very long, difficult journey for us with Joshua.  I know I have said it before, but I just can't believe I am doing this again so soon. Everyone keeps telling me that they are sure everything is going to be fine...that this baby is sure to be a healthy one.  Well, just to let you all know, that does NOTHING for my nerves.  Why?  Because the truth is, no one can tell me that for certain!  Nope, I know too many families now who have had to go through these difficult journeys more than once (some people more than twice!!) and what makes me so special that I won't be one of them?  No...you can't make me feel better by telling me everything will be alright...because, really, you have no idea.

*Sigh* I am sorry...honestly, this is why I have tried so hard not to think about tomorrow...because these are the thoughts that run through my head.  Really, I just need to get through the appointment tomorrow.  But, I can tell you right now, it will probably be a very long, unrestful night...

People keep asking me about our plans once this baby arrives. Where is the baby going to sleep? How do you think Logan will handle this next baby? You know...the "thinking about the future" questions. Honestly, the answer I always have to give is, "I haven't even thought about it..." 

This week marked 7 months since little Joshua passed.  As people have realized this, many have expressed how quickly the time has passed and how it seems like just yesterday.  For me, however, it has been an eternity and I can't believe we are not marking years yet...

I was warned a few months ago by a professional that many families find that their grief returns pretty harshly around 6 months.  So, I had prepared myself last month for a difficult time.  However, it was really not that bad.  I was able to get through the day/week pretty well!  I boasted to myself that I must be doing pretty well...excited that I was able to make it through a time pretty easily that many others struggle with. 

However, I have been humbled.  My difficult time did not come at 6, but 7 months.  Really, it has been ever since we scheduled the ultrasound for my pregnancy have many of the emotions of not have Joshua here have come very close to the surface.  Maybe it is because I am pregnant and already extra emotional.  Maybe it is my subconscious struggling with the idea of moving on to the next chapter of our life.  Maybe everyone goes through a harder time "around" 6 months because their subconscious is trying to move on and just can't yet. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been hard and I have just wanted to give my boy one more kiss and hold him close one more time.

So, with this little background, I began to prepare for the Intermountain Healing Hearts Annual Walk for Healing Hearts.  It is IHH's annual fundraiser and they honor all heart heros, including all the angels.  Every angel family prepares a poster to display for everyone to get to know them and they even do a beautiful butterfly release for them.  It was perfect timing for me to have something to look forward to, something that would honor sweet Joshua and let him know that even though life is moving forward, we will never forget him. 

I didn't know what to expect once we had the date set...maybe I just thought I would continue to ignore the fact that this pregnancy got closer and closer to the half way mark and the infamous 20 week ultrasounds scan. However, at my last appointment with my OB, we set the date and all of the sudden, everything became very, very real.

I guess I didn't realize that I had been in denial during the past 17 weeks.  I knew in my head that I was pregnant (and, for heaven's sake, I have been throwing up every day!  There better be a good reason for that!). But in my heart, I had not come to terms with it yet.  However, as the doctor told me an actual date (just a short 3 weeks away) that the ultrasound would be, I felt it all.  Panic, nervousness, unbelief...all the feelings of my last 20 week scan plus all the implications of what we discovered there.  Yes, that was a hard day.

I remember calling my mom after this last appointment and saying, "I can't believe I am already doing this again!" I was just doing this last year!  For the first time since Joshua passed away, last year does not seem that far away.  For the first time, I feel like the experiences I had last summer with discovering Joshua's diagnosis does not seem like it happened 100 years ago...it just happened...and now I am doing it all over again.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days of blissful ignorance...ignorance of what this ultrasound could mean.  I wish I could go back to the days when all they are really looking for when they scan the baby is to find out if it is a boy or a girl.  Now, when people ask me what I think this baby is going to be, I can't help but think that it doesn't really matter...that is just a perk of this appointment.  The real question is, "Is everything in working order?" and the question I will be thinking about the whole time is, "Does the heart look normal and healthy?"

Even now, as I think about it, I can feel my heart begin to race.  It must be a small form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No matter how much I tell myself that everything is most likely ok, I can not seem to shake the feeling that this all feels too similar to the last time. The issue comes with me trying to decide if that feeling is just one of my own worry or is the Lord trying to prepare me for some hard news. 

Needless to say, I have decided that there really is absolutely NOTHING I can do at this point to change whatever news we are going to get.  There is nothing I can change, especially with worry and extra stress. So, what to do I do?  I keep busy and try not to think about it.  What is the point of letting my heart rate jump up as high as it is right now?  What is the point of stressing over something I can't change?  No, all I can do now is get through the next 3 weeks with as little thinking about it as possible.  It is going to come whether I want it to or not...and I just need to get there in as healthy state as possible.

Really, the thought that gives me the biggest strength is that I know the Lord thought we were ready for this already. We were not planning on getting pregnant this soon and I know that the Lord took over our plans.  This is the right course we are suppose to be on.  I lean on Him for strength and peace through this next phase of our journey.  Really, that is the BEST thing I can do...

The news is finally public.  We are expecting Baby Ipson #3 to make his/her appearance sometime around February 10, 2014.  Right now, I am almost 15 weeks along.  

I got very little sleep last night.  I had a nightmare and woke up at about 2am and could not get back to sleep.  Finally, around 6am, my body crashed, only to be woken up an hour later by a very excited toddler who was ready to play.  Needless to say, it has been a long day.

Last night reminded me of the many sleepless nights I had during the first few months after Joshua passed away.  I sat down many times to blog about them, but they were very hard to write about.  They were some of the darkest times of this whole experience and I just did not want to rehash it all. I finally had been able to get it all out one day a few months ago, but I was still afraid to share it.  I feel better now about it and I want others to know that this could be something they experience after loosing a loved one.  It is normal to have a hard time at night.

Post written almost two months after Joshua past away:

I have talked to a few moms now who have lost children and I have noticed one common thread in all our grieving journeys...there is always at least one (if not more) things that we don't want to share with others or that takes a long time to feel like we can.  For some, it is memories.  For others, precious pictures.  For me...I have been afraid to talk about some of the things that I face at night.

I'm not really sure why I haven't been able to post about this...I haven't really had problems posting anything else.  But, honestly, I have begun probably 3-4 different posts over the past 7 weeks and just couldn't bring myself to type the words.  Maybe part of me worried that it would get worse when I typed them...maybe I didn't want people to feel sorry for me...maybe I just didn't want to go over it all again during the day knowing I would likely have to face these images and feelings once the sun went down.

Now, the nights are getting a little easier, so I am trying again.  For me, nights have been the hardest.  It is the time when the world goes to sleep and I am left with my thoughts.  There are two main things that make the nights difficult-

1) Reliving the morning he passed away:  These images still haunt me every once in a while.  It is the closest thing I can imagine having PTSD. The images of that stressful morning would literally haunt my mind.  All the adrenaline would start pumping through my body, I would see Tim doing CPR, I would relive running through the halls of the ER and turning the corner into the room and see Joshua's lifeless body on the table.  Seeing his face-it looked the same as it did when he first came of out surgery...but this time, there were no machines or medicines keeping him alive.  I would find myself awake at 4am, realizing it was the time it all started, and my body would start to shake.  There were some nights I couldn't keep my hands from shaking...let alone close my eyes and rest.

There has only been one thing that seemed to have helped these nightmares. Some may find it strange...actually, I still do a little.  I have to sleep with the blanket he passed away in.  I know...it sounds crazy...but it was the last place his spirit was and I feel his calming touch when I hold it.  I can hold it and remember the wonderful times of holding him...the happy, wonderful memories fill my mind and I can settle down.

2) Worrying something else bad might happen.  Before Joshua passed away, I would find peace in the idea that "oh, those bad things won't happen to us."  You know, the things we all worry about-house fires, break ins-but worst of all that something would happen to my other child. However, once something bad happen to me, I realized I am not immune to bad things.  I have found myself checking the fire alarms at 3am because I can't shake the feeling that there is going to be a fire and we aren't going to wake up.  I would get up 3-4 different times to check that the door and windows are locked.  I have checked on Logan more times in the past 7 weeks than I think I have in his whole life.  I have even broken my own rule and let him sleep with us multiple nights simply because I can't settle knowing something could happen to him in the other room and we wouldn't know about it. 

So, now it is all out in the open.  I can honestly say that these night really don't happen any more.  I have figured out some ways to get the thoughts out of my head from that awful morning.  I still use the blanket, but I also read my scripture and also close my eyes and see his beautiful eyes and imagine kissing his soft cheeks.  Sometimes I even pull out some pictures of him and me so I can have those memories in the front of my mind instead of the ones I want to forget.

As for the fear of something bad happening, all I can do is make sure I am prepared.  I have put new batteries in the fire alarms.  I lock all the windows and doors at night.  I check on Logan right before I go to sleep and give him lots of kisses.  But mostly, I pray a lot.  I know that as long as the Lord is with me, we can handle anything much easier.  

I have, for obvious reasons, thought a lot about these very topics over the past year. (in fact...it was one year ago last week that we had our 20 week ultrasound with Joshua and found out about his heart conditions)  I really do feel like there have been a lot of blessings that have come into our life because of our experience with Joshua, especially our relationship with God.  We had to make a choice early on last year;  the choice was between drawing on our faith in God and trusting Him or turning our back on God and just being angry at Him.  I tried the angry thing for about 1 hour and knew I couldn't handle that.  So, trusting in Him was the only option and I have never looked back.

Now, 1 year after our journey with Joshua began, almost 8 months since he was born, and 5 1/2 months since he past away, I can look back and see the blessings and tender mercies more clearly. God has been with our family every step of this journey and I have no doubt that He will continue to be with our family forever.  We are stronger people because of our little Joshua.

Another dear friend of mine and fellow angel mom posted this music video on her facebook page yesterday.  This beautiful song was exactly what I have been thinking about for a long time.  I love how Hillary Weeks does not down play the difficulty of our situations.  What we have to go through is hard and it is ok to want it to be gone.  But, how wonderful it is to see where we end up when we can finally have the eyes to recognize our change.  Our trials truly do become a "Beautiful Heartbreak".

One question has started to come up more and more in my life now that I am getting out and meeting people that do not know about little Joshua.  The dreaded question: "How many children do you have?" Every "angel parent" must decide how to answer this question and there is not always an easy answer. In fact, I have discussed this at length with many of the angel moms and really, it is difficult for all of us to figure out.

If I say I have two children, it always leads to telling them about Joshua.  Now, I am no where NEAR ashamed to tell people about Joshua...in fact, I enjoy talking about him.  The problem with telling someone who doesn't know is the inevitable reaction.  The "Oh, my gosh, I am SO SORRY." Now, of course this would be the response because we are human and it really is the proper thing to say.  However, sometimes, I just don't have the energy to handle it again. I find that I am the one consoling the other person.  I find myself listening to stories about other families' losses or some other horrible things that happened to someone else because they are trying to show that they empathize with my feelings.  Sometimes, it is just a little more draining than I have energy for at the time.

However, if I say I have one, then there is always a little stab in my heart since I know there is another one.  It just brings all the feelings back to the surface of knowing that there will always be someone in our family missing.  It seems so strange to tell people that I only have one when I have two.  I have two children and nothing, not even death, can change that!  So, saying something different is completely unnatural. In reality, I feel like I am lying.

So, I go through this debate in my head over a matter of 2-3 seconds after someone asks the question. I must decide if I can handle the response I will get from someone if I tell them or if I can handle the ache in my heart if I don't.  Honestly, the answer is different every time.  Sometimes, I am talking with the checkout person at the grocery store and they ask it just to have a friendly conversation.  Then, I just don't have the heart to tell them of our tragedy and I don't mention it.  Other times, I am meeting a new friend that I will most likely see and be with again.  Then, I have to answer with the full story.  They will find out eventually and I don't want to put myself through explaining it later.

So, truthfully, I am still trying to figure out how I am going to answer that question.  It is different for every angel family and I would imagine it is going to take a good amount of time to find my perfect answer.  In the mean time, I will just keep working on it. 

On the 13th of this month, we hit the 5 month mark since little Joshua returned to Heavenly Father.  It was a Saturday and I had just spent the Thursday and Friday before that at a business meeting and had been going non-stop for about 48 hours.  I was extremely tired...so Tim was sweet enough to take Logan for the day and I spent most of that Saturday watching TV and sleeping. 

I don't remember much of what I watched, but I do remember thinking about my Joshua boy a lot.  It was a day of reflection...and a day of self evaluation.  I thought about how I have gotten back into some sort of routine.  I thought about how life has kept going, even though Joshua is not with us.  But mostly, I thought about how I haven't changed as much for the better as I would have liked. 

I feel like I have slipped back into everyday things and have stopped focusing as much on the things that matter most.  I remember when Joshua was here and the weeks that followed his passing that I had cut out all the "fluff" in my life.  As I reflected on things now, I realized that fluff has slowly made it's way back in.

So, I have recommitted myself to focusing on the things that matter most: namely my family and my God.  Doing little things each day to draw myself closer to the ones I love.  Yes, that is the legacy I want Joshua to have.  I am so grateful that I have my little angel to keep me focusing on the right things.  I hope I can use his memory to continue to change my life for the better.

Why do we always feel the need to compare ourselves to others?  There have been many times over the past few months where people are going through hard times and they say to me, "but it is not even close to what you had to go through." Now, I will be the first to tell you that losing a child is one of the most tragic and difficult things a person can go through; however, just because I went through that, does that make difficult experiences less painful for others?  I would say absolutely not.

I remember sitting in the Primary Children's surgery waiting room while Joshua went through his last heart catherization procedure.   The cardiologists had just finished explaining to us that they feared Joshua's pulmonary veins were closing and if that was the case, there was nothing else they could do. Tim and I sat in that waiting room and prepared ourselves for the doctors to find the evidence they needed to make that dreaded nightmare a reality. 

Fortunately, that did not happen, but I remember as we sat there for the 2-3 hours, we saw many other parents waiting for news about their children...news that would be something like, "the tubes went in the ears perfectly," or, "the tonsils are out and he is in recovery doing great."  I remember thinking how lucky these parents were that their children did not have such life-threatening reasons for being there.  I remember thinking how they had so little to worry about...that they had no idea how much worse it could be.  Also, I'm sure that someone was looking at us thinking how easy we had it compared to them.

Now, as I look back, I can't help but think about how I would feel if my little Logan had to go in for any type of surgery.  What if he had to have his tonsils out?  What if he had to have tubes put in his ears?  The truth is, it would be hard and I would worry.  It is what we do as parents.

The truth is, the Lord gives us challenges to stretch us  just a little bit beyond our limit.  No matter where our limit is, having to be stretched farther is going to be hard.  It is not our job to compare trials, but it is our responsibility (when we are able) to lift one another's burdens.  Christ suffered through the greatest trial of all and what does he do now?  He serves us and loves us. 

Just because I have been through something terrible, does not mean that I don't feel for others and what they have to go through.  Every time I hear about someone's baby being sick, I feel for them, even though the baby will most likely survive.  Every time I hear about someone who has to kiss their child right before surgery and hand him off to the doctors, I feel for them, even though that child will most likely be ok.  Trials are hard for everyone and it is ok to feel like it is hard, even though someone may be going through something that seems harder.

There have been and probably will be many times that I have felt completely alone on this journey this past year.  Even with all the letters and notes from people who have also lost children, there were times that I thought, "No one could possibly know what my heart is going through."

Well, as the months have passed, I have experienced the miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful that He went through his lonely journey so I didn't have to.  I have felt my heart begin to heal, at least a little bit.  I could never begin to express the gratitude in my heart for my Savior and all that He as done for me, my family, and for everyone.

I was just thinking about this moment today...the moment I got to hold Joshua for the first time.  It was such an incredible moment...not only because I was holding my baby for the first time, but because it happened way sooner than I ever thought it would.  Since we had no idea what condition Joshua would be in after birth, we had prepared ourselves for a long time before we could hold our new son.  What a blessing it was that within an hour of his birth, we were holding him and we got to hold him a lot that first week he was in the hospital.

I remember telling Tim how crazy it was to see our baby with so many wires and tubes.  I laugh now because he ended up have WAY more on him at one time.  But, honestly, it didn't matter.  He was our boy and he seemed more than perfect to me, not matter what any doctor said.  I miss holding him and, man, I can't wait to hold that little man again. 

When you think of the story of Tarzan, you think about the unlikely love story between the "ape man" and the sophisticated Jane.  What we usually don't think about is the story of Kala, the "mother gorilla."Right at the beginning of the story, her seemingly perfect life of being married and having a baby, takes a tragic turn when her new little baby is killed.  She then finds Tarzan, now an orphan, and feels driven to care for him.  Why?  Because he fills an empty space in her heart.

Right after her baby dies, Kala sings these words: "No words describe a mother's tears.  No words can heal a broken heart."  Yep, this mother lost it in the middle of the audience...It didn't matter that a monkey was singing it.  The actress playing Kala captured the emotions so perfectly.  The desperation for something to fill the empty space, the constant ache, the need to have something to do.

Yes, I related all too well with Kala's tragic story.  I especially loved the next line of her song, "A dream is gone, but where there is hope, somewhere something is calling for you."  When Joshua died, there was the loss of a dream, at least in this life.  A lot of the things I morn are things that are never to be.  I morn for the birthdays that will never be celebrated with him.  I morn for the joy of seeing him walk for the first time.  I morn never seeing graduations, a wedding, and him having his own children.  Yes, a dream is gone.

But, there is definitely hope! Hope of finding who is calling for me.  Right now, it is my Logan boy. My other child and other future children give me hope.  Also, my Savior Jesus Christ gives me hope of having my whole family together again. 

So, lesson learned...think through the story line before seeing any movie or play in public.  And for goodness sakes, carry tissues with you!!

I have the most amazing husband who is the perfect father to our sons.  We had a fun day yesterday doing the activities Tim wanted to do.  First, he got up with Logan and played with blocks and legos.  Then, we went to church.  Next, we spent the afternoon feeding the ducks with little Logan boy.  Finally, we spent the evening web-caming with our families well into the night.  It was the perfect day!


Tim was such an amazing man to have by my side during our time with Joshua.  He was perfect at balancing time between work, Logan, and being at the hospital for Joshua (and me). He took on all the medical "stuff" with such grace, even though he was uncomfortable with it at first.  When you talk with him now, you never would have guessed it. 

As I prepped for this 4 month anniversary, I hoped that I would feel Joshua's presence throughout the day. In my post yesterday, I wrote "I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world,"  I wasn't sure how this would happen, but I really wanted one.
Well, one of my friends posted in the comments that maybe he would send a butterfly or some other reminder that he is around.  The idea made me smile, but didn't really think much more of it...

...Until we went to the park.  We spent a few hours at the park this morning and I saw two white butterflies.  But these were not just flying randomly; both butterflies flew right in front of my face. They came about 20 minutes apart.  When the second one came, I knew this was not a coincidence.  Joshua was there...enjoying the park right along with me and Logan.

I was happy with my little message from heaven, but Joshua wasn't done.  We spent the afternoon playing in a neighbor's pool.  Imagine my surprise when my neighbor said, "Wow, take a look at that HUGE butterfly!"  Sure enough, flying literally inches from where Logan was playing, was one of the biggest butterflies I have ever seen.  It must have had a wing span of 6 or 7 inches.  It circled around Logan's head and flew away.
As I told Tim about this, I said, "Maybe it was just a coincidence," but Tim quickly responded with, "No, that was Joshua.  He was saying hi!"  Some may think these butterflies were random, but I personally believe they were sent from Joshua.  He was reminding me that he is happy and he is still around.  He is working hard on the other side, but he took a few minutes to come give his mom a little hug from heaven.  The Lord continues to give tender mercies and we are truly blessed.

I am starting to feel like a broken record, but I just have to keep saying it because it just seems to get more and more true:  time is a strange thing.  Tomorrow, it has been 4 months since little Joshua returned to heaven...4 months. 4 months. 17 weeks. 120 days.


We have definitely fallen back into some sort of routine.  Tim and I have started thinking about the future and what are plans are (that NEVER happened when Joshua was here...we took it one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time).  We have come a long way in the grieving process. Logan and I enjoy our days at home and Tim really enjoys his job.  We have started to figure out our new normal.

I still have hard days, but I am finding them to not be as debilitating as they used to be.  Today, I went up to the cemetery to see what was left of Memorial Day (since we were out of town soon after, we didn't get a chance to).  I definitely had a good cry and I realized it was probably because I hadn't had a good cry in a while. I have been so distracted with our trip and other things going on, I haven't really been thinking too much about it.  Today, I let myself go.  At the cemetery, on the drive home, and a good hour after we got home, I cried. Logan gave me multiple hugs and I tried to explain to him that I missed Joshua.  He would just nod, as if he completely understood.  Once I was done crying, I was able to get on with the day, which felt good.

It seems strange that it has only been 4 months...it feels like it should be so much longer.  But, the Lord has been so wonderful over the past 4 months.  We have felt the healing power of the Atonement in our home.  Our testimonies of the Plan of Salvation have given us a brightness of hope.  Our little Joshua is a part of something grand.  Our Heavenly Father needed his special spirit and I know he has thrown himself into his work.

Tomorrow, I hope I can focus on that.  My little Joshua is where he is suppose to be.  I miss him so much, but I know I will see him again.

I hope you are doing well on your mission, Joshua.  I pray for that every day. I love you more than I could ever express.  I hope you can take a break tomorrow and bring me a little hug from the spirit world.

Tim and I just spent a wonderful 6 days in Hawaii.  It was our 5 year anniversary back in April, so that was the excuse we gave to most people.  However, one of the other reasons was we needed this trip after the year we had.  We needed to reconnect and just be together with nothing else to think about.  It was perfect.



I will probably have more posts about different things we did here, but here are some of our highlights:


















In short, this trip was exactly what we needed and I am so grateful we had the opportunity to go!

Joshua's 6 month birthday was this past Saturday. I was happy that I had a LOT going on that day and was able to get through it without too much thinking.

Two nights ago, I was putting my little Logan boy down for bed. He was feeling a little scared, so I stayed in the room to help him calm down. I stood at the side of his bed and ran my fingers through his feathery hair. As I watched him fall asleep, I couldn't help but say a prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father for this sweet boy.